how are you doing?

"how are you doing?" that's what several friends and family members have asked me today - well, the answer has been "Fine" - fine until you asked. then i want to just completely fall apart. i was a bit on edge because at 3pm Mom was scheduled to meet a lawyer, to do all those legal things, draw up a will, etc...

didn't happen. at mom's regular 2pm radiation treatment the medical staff noticed she wasn't doing too good - her breathing's really labored and she has no strength at all. sent her for a chest x-ray and to the emergency room, not particularly because it was a major emergency but because they'd find out what was going on faster than if they sent her to her pulmonary doc and then he ordered tests, blah blah blah... so, at the er we find out that she's not holding her oxygen very well, they're giving her breathing treatments and gonna keep her overnight. she was having some pain, so they gave her a little bit o morphine - i'm praying it was the morphine that had her in la-la land. she was talking to me, and i asked her to speak up - "Flanner & Buchanan?" she said. now, even if it is just the drugs talking, when Mom babbles about funeral homes, i'm FREAKING OUT.

so i came home to get her meds so that we can tell the hospital precisely what dosages of what she's taking (why she doesn't have a list of hers printed out like i do mine, i dunno) and now i'm waiting for the hospital to call and tell me what room they've put her in so i can go to her.

this is so damned hard.

friday nite!!

this thing's weird....

Guess the Dictator or Television Sit-Com Character - i have yet to stump it, it's guessed all the sitcom characters i've recollected - Kip Wilson, Marge Simpson, Cliff Huxtable, Peter Brady, Mork, Fonz, Balki, Arnold Drummond, and on and on and on...

Northern Sun...

i'm not sure which i find more obnoxious - the plethora of Lance Armstrong bracelet knock-offs or all the of magnetic car ribbons out there nowadays. not sure if the magnets started with the yellow ribbon "support our troops" message, but nowadays there's something for everyone...

got a Northern Sun Merchandising catalog in the mail today, and literally laughed out loud when i saw this magnet:



too bad i can't stick magnets to my made-of-plastic saturn...

StumbleUpon...

StumbleUpon is a cool utility for surfing the web, finding websites you didn't know existed but are spiffy...

apparently someone on fark has similar StumbleUpon prefs to mine, cuz there have been fark discussions about things i've recently seen and/or mentioned - ie the Speech-Bubble Stickers in NYC...

obnoxious...

...yet it still made me laugh. Republican Women vs Democrat Women

speech bubbles...

this looks to be cool project, tho the results probably wouldn't be as spiffy if we tried duplicating this in indianapolis - alas, we don't have as many signs (or creative/funny/mischievious people) in Naptown as they do in NYC...

wandering around...

amazing the stuff you can stumble upon while wandering around the internet...

i found this updated version of American Gothic when i stumbled upon this website while digging up info for freeway blogging projects...

one liners/goofy shit culled from the net...

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

Rehab is for quitters.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

flowers...

it was really nice of all of mom's friends to send these beautiful bouquets and baskets of flowers while she was in the hospital, but it's made me realize something - i fucking HATE carnations. they're pretty enough, but the smell just reminds me of death. perhaps because they're predominant in funeral arrangements? i dunno, but the arrangements that have carnations in them are gonna be gone sooner rather than later.

cool online kaleidoscope...

a neat thing to take a mind off of a crappy life:

http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/index.html

topsy-turvy...

i tell you, things seem soooo different nowadays...i guess it's like being Alice in Wonderland, i'm looking through the Looking Glass and everything is just soooooo - i don't even have the words for it.

one thing i've noticed is how completely ABSURD things seem.

i'm noticing lots of ironic things as well...case in point: i'm a non-smoker, smoked only socially in college, might every once in a while have a clove cigarette. when kris and i were together and she worked at bars that tobacco reps visited (primarily the Slippery Noodle) and we'd fill out a card and get some little prize - i've gotten cigarette coupons in the mail for YEARS although i don't smoke. friends i've had that smoke tons never get coupons and i get stuff in the mail all the time. so now i've got a mom with lung cancer, most likely from her smoking. yesterday's mail brought a package addressed to me from Marlboro - "On your big night nothing beats LIVING IT UP with a full house" says the outside of the box - inside there's a note that says "Here's to a year full of action - Happy birthday from Marlboro" and a deck of playing cards included.

it's gonna be a less full house these days, with me taking mom to radiation treatments for the next month.

as for the "year full of action" - that seems a bit fucked up, because the small amount of research i've done on mom's cancer says that she's got a year or two to live. yeah, guess we'll be making the most of that year, since that might be all she's got.

so, they have to put the surgeon general's warning on the box, even tho there are no cigarettes in the package: "Quitting Smoking Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health." Mom quit smoking about eight years ago.

i know it's just chance that this stuff would come in the mail the week of my mother's lung cancer diagnosis, but sheesh...

*sigh*

so i just brought mom home from the hospital - the story is that she's got lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. 3 tumors in her brain, 1 in her lung, and we're waiting on results from the bone scan to tell if it's anywhere else.

if there's anyone out there reading, please say a prayer (be it to god, the flying spaghetti monster, whoever your higher power may be) for my momma - she's a damned good woman.

reading stuff on the net has its good and bad qualities - i always think it's good to be well-informed, but then again, do i really want to read "Prognosis typically is poor...Patients with the best prognostic indicators often die within 18-24 months."?

there just aren't words for what i'm feeling right now.

shattered

just got home from taking mom to the emergency room this evening - we found out why she's been feeling so awful these past few weeks...cancer. after numerous blood tests, an ekg, more blood tests and more tests came back with nothing, the doc ordered a cat scan. the cat scan's showed multiple lesions on her brain. "is it cancer?" i asked the doc? because i have lesions on my brain that cause my epilepsy, but they're not cancerous, they just scramble my brain with seizures. yes, he told me, the probably were cancerous, but were not brain tumors, they probably have come about from cancer elsewhere in her body - possibly her lungs, of which the x-ray came back abnormal.

i just can't fucking believe it. thankfully, mom was a bit drugged up when the doc made the announcement, so she didn't go off the deep end like i did. and i so did not want to freak out - this isn't the end of the world, we still have a lot more learning to do, but it's just sooooo....there aren't words for it.

so many kinds of wrong...

so you know i love it - check out JesusDressUp!

The George W Bush Speechwriter

maybe if Dubya used this site himself, he wouldn't have to spend so much time removing his foot from his mouth...The George W Bush Speechwriter

head yer ass on down to Fountain Square tonite!!

K-A-T-R-I-N-A, Laura, it's Hurricane Katrina

apparently Laura Bush thinks it's Hurricane Corrina's aftermath that we're dealing with now - this link goes to video of her mispronunciating it...

i'm going to have to FORCE myself to stop thinking "things can't get any more surreal" as far as this shit goes, cuz as soon as that thought enters my head, shit gets more surreal...

attention Pastafarians!

It's time to play the Flying Spaghetti Monster game

Hurricaine Katrina benefit in Indy on Friday nite...

THIS FRIDAY September 9th - Synthesis Entertainment Benefit For Hurricaine Katrina Victims @ Radio Radio - 1119 E. Prospect Street (Fountain Square)

Synthesis Entertainment and Evolving Records DJs Adam Jay, TFA, Seth Nichols, John Mack, Dave Owen, and Johnny Utah will mix tunes as attendees raise funds. Numerous prizes and gift certificates, donated to the event by local companies, will be given away in a drawing. For every $5 donation, attendees will have their name added to the drawing for the prizes that are donated. Starts at 9 p.m.

Matching funds: KB Homes will match, dollar for dollar, all the money raised.

info here

oh yeah, and my brother takes the stage at midnight - another reason i'm required to attend. *8-)

Katrina and other bitches...

har har har, that was entirely too easy a joke to make...somebody slap me.

anyhoo, the Bassett Waddle that i posted about to hit people up for funds on August 6 has decided to work even harder to collect funds, to help make sure that their sister organization down in Louisiana has money to help doggies affected by the hurricane, so just a reminder to PLEASE send your spare change to my niece's favorite charity!

click here for donation info

oh crap...

codi, my sister-out-law (kinda like a sister-in-law, 'cept she and my brother aren't married) has put me in her blog under the "blogs i like" category - eeeek, what kind of scary freaky weirdos will she have perusing my musings?!?!?

tho i must say, i don't think any people reading her blog could be scarier or freakier than her...

;-)

missed Lori Beth's birthday!

going thru some old boxes, i found a journal from 1995. i forgot about an important anniversary - it was june 12, 1995 that i went to court and had my name legally changed - goodbye lori southerland, hello lori beth! yeah, on occasion it's been a pain in the ass - people ask my last name, i reply "beth" and they say "no, your LAST name"...otherwise, no regrets whatsoever. it was very empowering, particularly because i went to the library, researched the information and drafted the papers myself - no lawyer necessary.

Donate to Katrina relief via Fark.com

cute username...

from The Huffington Post:

Club Seals, Not Sandwiches

depression sucks...

had an appointment with the endocrinologist today - had to face up to her and show her that i didn't lose much on the Weight Watchers program that she financed for me. seems as though it doesn't matter one way or another - losing weight is VERY difficult for me. she gave me a referral to call St. Francis Hospital's weight loss services - maybe they'll have the magic recipe.

it's just sooooo fucking frustrating - all the IF ONLY's are swirling around in my brain - IF ONLY i woulda had this brain surgery a couple of years ago when the doc first suggested it instead of wussing out and going for the VNS surgery. IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY...

$1723.36

One thousand seven hundred twenty three dollars and thirty six cents. That's the sum total of all the prescriptions i filled at the pharmacy over the weekend - 11 of those had my $3.00 copay, 3 others had no copay.

sheesh.

cute little saying...

when i was at Out Word Bound on Friday before games night, i saw a cute little notebook...on the cover, it read:

Sex is the new Love

heh heh heh...

Roger Ebert gives us a Thumbs Up...

sheesh, here i just dogged Ebert for his review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and now he compliments some people in Naptown. from last Sunday's "Answer Man" column:

Q. Re "Deuce Bigalow": You guys always seem puzzled how stuff like that gets made. Ya' know, there's a huge audience for this crap in America. That's why it keeps getting made. And yes, I'll admit that even these crap movies can have their funny moments. I live in Indianapolis and I know there's a bunch of Deuce Bigalow fans in this town. They're beer-guzzlin', dope-smokin', truck-drivin', pit-bull-ownin', head-shavin', ball-cap-wearin', crime-committin', jackass psychopaths whose parents (if there were any) didn't want to bother with the job of teaching and controlling them. Garbage in, garbage out, so the parents are probably just like their offspring. The United States is rife with them. It's ugly and it's increasingly one of the causes for the ruination of a once civilized, safe nation.
Tom McCullough, Indianapolis

A. Indianapolis also harbors many heroic, civilized and cultured citizens, as befits the home office of Steak n Shake.

in the midst of an interesting weekend...

after a near nervous breakdown on thursday (inflicted by "mental health care professionals", no less) i hit the pause button on that crap and decided to get out and do some things.

first off, i had kat re-color my hair - instead of adding purple to some of the blonde highlights that were already there, it's all purple. a deep and intense purple - i really like it.

friday night was girls games night - 'cept steph, stephanie and i were the only girls that showed up. was still fun, we played a game called Zobmondo - it's a game full of would you rather-type questions...examples from the website:

Would you rather drink a glass of your own day-old spit or your own sweat?

Would you rather have to suck snakebite poison out of your dad’s hairy armpit or out of your mom’s belly button?

now, they're not all nasty like that, but they do make ya think, that's for sure...

friday night was also Fark party night - we all met up at the Old Point Tavern...i did better than at the previous Fark party that i attended at Maggiano's a couple of years ago - i actually talked to quite a few people and remembered their names afterwards! then saturday i attended a cookout that the organizer of Friday's party invited me to, where i met Drew Curtis, Fark's creator. it was very interesting to meet some of the people behind the scenes of fark.

not sure what's goin on for sunday, have a few options for plans, i just hafta decide what i wanna do...for now, sleep is on the agenda...

Which Famous Homosexual Are You?

Which Famous Homosexual Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

the philosophies of fellow Hoosiers...

so, the Indianapolis Star has a column called "Let It Out" that allows readers to call/fax/email "a comment about life, love, politics, whatever?" - some are really deep, some are really whiny, some are funny...i wonder if people from other states have columns like this in their newspapers and what they say...and what they would say about us Hoosiers if they read comments like:

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the carpeting!

Walkin' the streets with Soldiers & Sailors...

kat said it was girls' nite out, so we went walkin around downtown - i came up with the fancier title: Walkin' the streets with Soldiers & Sailors...

in the past, we've made several walks around the canal...that gets a bit old, so we decided to change it around a bit. we ended up checking out the war memorial and university park, and soldiers & sailors monument it was very nice, i just wish it hadn't been so humid - tho i didn't feel excessively uncomfortable (the Indianapolis Star thermometer read 85 degrees at 8:30) i was sweating buckets - by the time our walk was over, it looked as if i'd dunked my head in one of the fountains at the park, and not just my feet (ahhhh, so refreshing!)

during the walk, it was very obvious that Gen Con is in town - gamers all over!!!

we'll definitely hafta go back downtown during daytime - i have a bad feeling about the pix she took, i think it was too dark for them to turn out halfway decent. we'll see...

website i've stumbled upon - celebatheists.com

celebatheists.com seems to be a wikipedia section dedicated to pointing out athiests, agnostics and such...you definitely have to take a look at the comments attributed to people to determine just how accurate the description is.

for instance, Kathy Griffin's listed as an atheist because of her quote “I’m sick to death of Jesus. I feel that Jesus and Paris Hilton are both overexposed. I’ve seen enough of both of them. And I think I’m getting more atheist because of the way the country is getting more into Bible-thumping.” - Actress Kathy Griffin (“Suddenly Susan”) to Sacramento’s gay Outword Magazine, Dec. 23 [2004].

now call me crazy, but i think this comedian was making a joke - more a joke about the crap that Dubya lovers have inflicted on this country rather than real, authentic Christianity (not to mention that whole overexposed aspect)

nonetheless, it's interesting to read the quotes...

brain surgery...

the brain surgery's still on hold for me until i lose enough weight for the neurosurgeon's liking (prolly about 25 lbs)...meanwhile, a co-worker of mom's has a nephew in california that had a very similar surgery, and there was an article in their paper that she sent the link to (gonna go ahead and copy/paste in case their links don't last too long)...

Surgery helps Alameda teenager eliminate epilepsy, medication
14-year-old enjoying normal life after recovery
By Kristin Bender, STAFF WRITER

ALAMEDA — Daniel Burlingame is a far different kid today than he was two years ago.
His eyes are brighter, and he's more animated. He isn't groggy or bloated from his epilepsy medications.

And he no longer takes handfuls of seizure medication or struggles with pounding headaches that left him drained.

Daniel can now swim and bike and do normal teen things without the fear of a seizure.

His grades have jumped up dramatically, and he even got a volunteer summer job at an Alameda preschool.

There, no one even noticed the scar on his head, where doctors sewed 21 stitches. It's barely visible.

It has been nearly two years since Daniel, now 14, had part of his brain removed in a last-ditch effort to stop the epileptic seizures that had plagued him nearly all his life. He hasn't had a seizure since the surgery and has been off his medications for a year now.

"This is how well Daniel should have done. There is a very high success rate for this surgery," said American pediatric neurosurgeon Dr. Benjamin Warf, a family friend of Daniel's parents, Bob and Esther Burlingame, who recommended the surgery three years ago.

Warf moved from the United States to Africa five years ago toperform neurosurgery on the poorest of the poor children at CURE Children's Hospital of Uganda. But when he met Daniel and his family while on a holiday in the states in 2002, Warf quickly recommended the surgery.

"What is essentially removed during this surgery is bad brain. Even when a seizure is not going on actively, there is disorganized electrical activity that can interfere with learning and thinking," said Warf, a Harvard graduate.

The Burlingames had inquired about surgery before meeting Warf, but doctors at Children's Hospital Oakland said it wasn't an option because Daniel hadn't tried some available medications, Esther Burlingame said. Kaiser wasn't recommending surgery either, she said.

"Even neurologists tend to under-refer for that procedure," said Warf, who was in Alameda last week visiting his in-laws and saw Daniel for the first time since he had the surgery and has been seizure-free.

"He looks good. He's grown, his face has thinned out," said Warf, who also performs the brain surgery on children at his hospital in Uganda.

With the surgery, doctors claim there is a 60 to 75 percent success rate for curing epilepsy and a nearly 90 percent success rate of drastically reducing it. Daniel had the surgery at Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford University, and doctors there have given him the OK to only return annually for checkups, Esther Burlingame said.

That's all fine with Daniel. He'd still rather play with his dog, Jason, or ride his bike than talk about epilepsy or medications or doctor stuff.

He's better, but he's still a kid of few words on the subject.

But when asked what the best part of his life is now, he doesn't hesitate.

"Being off the medications," Daniel said.

Daniel had his first seizure in 1992 when he was 10 months old, following a fever that quickly rose to 106 degrees. That seizure lasted 45 minutes, but he didn't have a second one for five years. At that point, doctors determined he had epilepsy, which 30,000 children are diagnosed with each year.

In 1998, he had a seizure on his school playground that was so bad Daniel didn't know his own name or where he was after the episode.

More seizures followed.

So did more medications.

Different medications.

Different combinations of medications.

When Daniel went under the knife in September 2003, his parents didn't know what to expect.

They were told Daniel might have problems with speech, movement and memory because those functions are controlled by the part of the brain that was removed — the hippocampus.

Doctors warned that he might have problems recalling shapes or remembering directions.

Surgeons were removing the anterior temporal tip, a part of the brain about the size of a matchbox and the right hippocampus, about the size of a thimble, and the scarred portion that had been causing Daniel's seizures.

The five-hour surgery went well and Daniel emerged groggy and somewhat disoriented, but healthy and strong. He stayed on the medications for a year just to be safe, but was seizure-free during that trial period.

His health, general well-being and school work steadily improved.

"He was below grade level before (on standardized tests)," said Esther Burlingame. "Since the surgery, he's caught up three grade levels on the tests."

Daniel has a twin brother, Matthew, who has never suffered from epilepsy or seizures.

Having the twins on an "even playing field" is helping Daniel make progress — physically and emotionally, his parents said.

"It's still going to take some time to even out completely, but I can see him making that gain," said Esther Burlingame.

His parents said the biggest blessing is that Daniel, like Matthew, now has a chance at normal life. He will be able to get a driver's license in a couple years, study in the field of his choice and enjoy sports and leisure activities without worrying about having a seizure. "He won't have any restrictions put on his life," said his father Bob Burlingame, 45.

These days, Daniel is spending three mornings a week with a group of 10 4-year-olds at an Alameda city parks and recreation pre-school class.

"He's been a pleasure to have in class. The kids love him," said pre-school teacher Gloria Garcia, who said she didn't know Daniel had previously suffered from epilepsy or about the surgery until he told her a day before a reporter and photographer visited him in the classroom.

"We had no idea," she said. Garcia said she is just happy to have Daniel to help out with play time, recess and crafts. He brings toys from home — bristle blocks and books — and sits on the floor with the group teaching and talking.

It is with children, at the pre-school, at his church and in his neighborhood, that he seems to be the most at home. "He's a sweet kid," Garcia said.


-30-


so, there are a lot of things in common with my situation, and there are a lot of differences, as well. i don't think the hippocampus will be involved in my surgery, it's just my temporal lobe that's problematic. (as an aside, i must say, i've always found hippocampus to be a rather amusing word - it gives me a visual of the place that a hippopotamus would go to get an education)

i really wish i would've taken the neurologist's advice a couple of years ago and had this surgery then, but the whole idea of BRAIN SURGERY freaked me out and i pushed for the Vagus Nerve Stimulator surgery as a compromise. *sigh* oh well, can't change the past, i just have to get the weight lost and get this surgery done so i can get back to maybe being a productive human being...

help my niece - donate to her fundraiser!

yeah, i'll be the first to admit it: people are puzzled when i mention that my niece has 4 legs and big floppy ears, but it's true! Madison is adam and codi's baby, and she also happens to be a basset hound. they're all going to waddle around Dwight, Illinois next month and will be at The Largest Basset Gathering In The World!

you can sponsor Madison and donate online by using this link (in addition to seeing a pic of Ms. Madison herself!), or if ya see me in person, hand me some cash and i'll make sure it gets into the right paws. c'mon now, i don't go beggin' for donations too often and it's a lot less obnoxious than me hitting you up to buy a 49 cent candy bar for 3 bucks...

birth control methods...

sister-out-law Codi (well, if my brother and she don't get married, she won't be a sister-IN-law, right?!?) and i were chatting online last night, about the Supreme Court and a variety of women's issues, such as birth control. she showed me this page - yup, homosexuality is a birth control method - "No co-mingling of sperm and egg means absolutely no chance of pregnancy"

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

mom actually refrained from going in to work on friday, her normal friday off, and we went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

it's not too often that Roger Ebert and i disagree about movies - our movie tastes are very similar. this time around, even though we both give the movie 3 stars, his review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is just flat out WRONG.

"Johnny Depp may deny that he had Michael Jackson in mind when he created the look and feel of Willy Wonka, but moviegoers trust their eyes, and when they see Willy opening the doors of the factory to welcome the five little winners, they will be relieved that the kids brought along adult guardians. Depp's Wonka -- his dandy's clothes, his unnaturally pale face, his makeup and lipstick, his hat, his manner -- reminds me inescapably of Jackson..." says Ebert.

i have heard that comparison made elsewhere. the people that say that must've been watching a different movie than i was - the movie i saw showed Willy Wonka as a person with a disdain for all other people, but especially children. Willy's not a child molester, he just wants to find an heir to run the factory when he's gone. in fact, the only similarity i found between Depp's Wonka and the Michael Jackson of 2005 is their strange, unnatural color.

Ebert also says, "What was he thinking of? In "Pirates of the Caribbean" Depp was famously channeling Keith Richards, which may have primed us to look for possible inspirations for this performance. But leaving "Pirates" aside, can anyone look at Willy Wonka and not think of Michael Jackson? Consider the reclusive lifestyle, the fetishes of wardrobe and accessories, the elaborate playground built by an adult for the child inside. What's going on here? Bad luck that the movie comes out just as the Jackson trial has finally struggled to a conclusion."

i didn't think of MJ at all during the movie - a couple of times during the movie, i got the impression that depp was perhaps channeling Carson Kressley, actually - but overall, i think johnny depp put johnny depp's interpretation of willy into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - making it a good movie, just as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was, but for different reasons.

perhaps ebert got it backwards - Jacko's channeled Willy Wonka in the past - but the review of this movie was definitely wrong.

*8-)

Live Fast And Dye Your Hair...

what sound is it that a guinea pig makes? i know it's not an *oink* or *snort* or anything like that, but alas, i AM a guinea pig - for Kat and whatever she fancies regarding my hair coloring.

this time, it was PLUM PASSION - a temporary hair color from MANIC PANIC - a look at their website makes me think Cyndi Lauper uses this stuff - cool! *8-)

i have purple hair!!!!!

women, roadkill, and tunnels...

the lungs of a cigarette smoker, a couple of women standing over caulderons, a dead raccoon, and a railroad track leading into a dark tunnel - just a few of the things i saw in the Rorschach Inkblot Test i took today...after the test, i asked the doc (phd) administering it if my answers proved that i was crazy - while i couldn't quite get an answer out of her, she said that for what it was worth, some of my answers matched those of other people - lots of people saw a butterfly in one pic...

after that, it was off to a room to answer 500+ yes/no questions...dunno how long it'll take to get the results of this psychological evaluation, but at least it's over and done with...

scrapbooking...

scary as it may be, i guess i'm going to be taking this on as a project - i want Dominic to have a cool scrapbook, and as Fairy Godmother, i figure it's my duty to provide one. making the trip to Michael's was a bit intimidating - there's sooooo much stuff out there!! i suppose some of the intimidating parts are thinking about being creative again. i sure as hell don't do much of that, particularly since i've been unemployed.

a link to fuck with your head...

56 Optical Illusions & Visual Phenomena

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

What High School Stereotype Are You?

Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz.

What pisses you off?

*looks at the current world's population* You must have a lot of frustration then.

What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Linguistic Profile:

90% General American English

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

the indianapolis museum of art...

kat, john and i went to the IMA today...it was good, except john was a bit too squirmy - i like to take my time looking at the artwork - he wanted to rush to the one thing he thought was really cool and then kinda blew off stuff we found interesting. *shrug*

i really enjoyed Amorphic Robot Works: The Feisty Children, a hands-on exhibit showing from May 6 through July 31, 2005 - as the website explains:

Amorphic Robot Works: The Feisty Children is an installation of ten robotic “children” that lurch, shuffle and gyrate to their own individual beat. Amorphic Robot Works (ARW), a collective of artists, engineers and technicians based in New York City who share artistic inspiration and work together to create robotic performances and installations, developed The Feisty Children. Led by artistic director Chico MacMurtrie, ARW invites viewers to consider the relationships between people, nature and machines.

as far as paintings, i most enjoyed Edward Hopper's Hotel Lobby - i've seen Hopper's works in books and such previously and found them interesting, but seeing a work up close and personal makes for such a different experience. the museum describes the work in saying, "Urban loneliness and the banality of everyday existence are persistent themes in Hopper's paintings." - perhaps it's because i'm really relating to those issues nowadays that the painting really stood out to me - lonelieness, banality...yup, that pretty much sums it up for me.

long time no blog...

it becomes glaringly obvious when the depression really kicks in - i don't blog. things come up, and i think "oh, i should blog about that" but then it never happens. or absolutely nothing comes up, and i think "i should blog about that" but then that never happens either.

gonna try to get back into the swing of things now...

my animal totem...

You scored as Dog. You are the Dog. You are the most loyal of your friends and you protect them at all costs. Being what you are makes you happy and your friends like that about you. Dog 83% Deer 67% Crow 67% Fox 67% Bull 58% Ram 58% Eagle 58% Stag 58% Salmon 58% Bear 50% Dragon 50% Wolf 50% Horse 42% Snake 33% Which animal totem best suits you? created with QuizFarm.com

Vagus Nerve Stimulation is NOT Electroshock Therapy!!!

ugh, seeing a discussion on Fark about Vagus Nerve Stimulators and their possible use to help depression irked me because of all the misinformation out there - VNS is in absolutely no way similar to electroshock therapy - aka ECT - aka electroconvulsive therapy!!!

Joke Of The Day...

from comedycentral.com:

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

wednesday's doc appt...

thankfully, it wasn't the asshole neurologist i saw last time that told me to tape my mouth shut to lose weight when i went to followup with a neurologist on wednesday - dr. salanova is much more understanding and has a bedside manner with her patients that doesn't make you want to slap the shit out of her. of course, one more thing about going to see docs at the IU Neurology lab (besides not always seeing the same doc) is that we get to teach the young docs a bit - it's not just one doc asking you questions, it's four in the room gathering data on you. so, in the morning i'm going to get some blood drawn for a variety of tests, primarily a Tegretol level to make sure i'm not overdosing on it. Perhaps that's the reason i've been so freakin exhausted this past week - usually, after a seizure, i need a day or two to sleep it off, but it's been 8 days now, and i still just want to do nothing but sleep.

*yawn*

brain damage...

so, tuesday i took a little trip to the grocery store, where i proceeded to have a seizure. spent most of that day at st. francis south, then they transferred me to st. francis beech grove, where i spent tuesday night and most of wednesday, before being discharged. tegretol level was low, probably due to my being sick a few days prior, in addition to having lowered the med level a while back when i seemed to be having side effects from it. *sigh*

tuesday i had 4 seizures - one at the grocery, and 3 more at the hospital...subsequently, i've been exhausted, sleeping most of the time weds, thurs, fri, sat, and now sunday...*yawn*...amazing how exhausting this shit can be...

15593232 Seconds 'Til Christmas!

at kroger today, i noticed one of the employees marking down all the summer/picnic-type merchandise and shuffling it all down to the end of the aisle, getting ready to move it all out...

"the christmas merchandise coming in?" i asked her...

"not yet, the school supplies are taking over!" was her response...

i suppose i should be relieved that it's school supplies - even though i was joking when i asked, i really would NOT have been surprised if they were getting ready for christmas merchandise...

Happy (?!?) Anniversary

My 2005 datebook from the InSightOut book club (a spiffy LBGT mail order book club) informs me that it is today, June 27, that is the anniversary of the Stonewall riots. It's definitely got me thinking - how far have we come since 1969? I think there are lots of different answers to that question, both positive and negative. It brings up a lot more questions in me as well. I suppose between this anniversary and last night's episode of Queer As Folk that had a plot line about Propositions taking away our rights, I'm thrown into an state of introspection that hasn't hit me for quite a while. Perhaps it's just because i was ill and unable to attend any Pride events this year, but if anyone else hasn't really given this stuff a good hard thinking about lately, i'd strongly encourage it.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

nerd score

Court TV in Indianapolis

wow, one of my favorite cable tv channels is coming to visit us in Indianapolis in a couple of months - Court TV’s Seriously Entertaining Summer Tour comes to the state fairgrounds in August...

now if we could just get Bravo! to bring some of their shows to town - errr, wait, maybe that wouldn't be a good idea - the Fab 5 in Indy? Jonathan Antin, perhaps? hmmmm...

hadn't noticed the bondage theme before...

hadn't noticed the bondage theme before in wonder woman comic book covers, but superdickery.com has em all lined up to make it so very obvious - in a gallery labeled "Suffering Sappho!", surprisingly enough. *8-) my personal fave is the quote they added after this cover, featuring the skeleton of wonder woman chained to a wall: "Looks like someone forgot the safeword." ROFL

yeah, i think it's obvious that i should be sleeping right now...

ethical sluttiness...

True Ethical Slut Whoa! You scored 30 Sluttiness Points and 19 Ethics Points! Interesting...

Doesn’t sex just kick ass? You love it and your friends love it and your playmates love it. Sex is that overflowing bowl of ice cream you just have to share with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, if we can get more happy good sex out into the world, we can make it a happier place for everyone in it. You know how to communicate about what you want and how to listen to your partner’s desires. You even use your turn signals. You’re just an all around good person. You are one of the beautiful people.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 64% on Sluttiness You scored higher than 58% on Ethics

Link: The Ethical Slut Test written by PlayfulKissing on OkCupid Free Online Dating

hmmmm...interesting...

whodathunkit...in the googling i did for info on the Ethical Slut book, i was pointed to a paid link for The Veg Sex Shop - they've got vegan condoms, dental dams and gloves "...so it's never been a better time for herbivores to get frisky." no leather products, obviously, but definitely an interesting site. never woulda thought that condoms could be vegan or non-vegan...

a good weekend...

had its ups and downs, but it was primarily a good weekend. i was unsure in the beginning, when our trek to the park started off late because jaz (the doggie amanda was doggiesitting) took to overturning my cooler of hard lemonade in amanda's PT Cruiser while we were in the grocery store picking up food for the trip. about half of it soaked the floorboards - 2.5 gallons of booze - of amanda's car. thankfully half the liquid in the 5 gallon cooler stayed in the cooler, since that lemonade recipe is a rather expensive one.

i was amazed at how easy it was to forget all the crappy shit going on here in indy with my life and be able to take a mental/emotional vacation from people/places/things that are driving me nuts - i just chilled for the weekend. there was a bit of freaking out saturday evening, but it quickly dissipated into the night sky. wish i could do that more often.

so, now i'm a slight bit refreshed, with new people to keep in touch with and a variety of things to check out (first on the "new books to buy" list: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities
by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt - courtesy of an interesting discussion with the token bisexual of the group *grin*)

when life gives you lemons...

...make lemonade, as the ol cliche goes. well, after a rather crappy week (evidenced by my complete lack of blogging) i'm making my lemonade and going camping. yup, goin on the lesbo camping trip to Mounds State Park (go ahead, make the lousy pun about lesbos and Mounds) and i've made Michele's special recipe for Hard Lemonade - 5 gallons of lemonade made with Everclear and 100 proof vodka oughta get quite a few grrls drunk. *8-)

Indy Pride

it's Pride weekend here in Indianapolis. alas, i'm not sure how much i'm gonna be able to participate since i'm feeling so weird. *shrug*

an evening in the emergency room...

spent last night in the emergency room because i was feeling weird. Docs seem to think it's a Tegretol overdose. the whole thing's just crazy - call my family doc's office cuz that's what medicaid demands - they shrug their shoulders (over the phone, that is) and tell me i should just go to the emergency room, that they'll probably have to run tests that they couldn't do at the doc's office. go to the emergency room and they ask me "why are you here?" cuz that's what my doc told me, i tell them. so they draw some blood, gimme a bag of saline because i may be dehydrated, and give me a pill to make the room stop spinning. then they make me wait...and wait...and wait...mom's going crazy - eventually we find out that the tegretol level had to get sent out, that's why it's taking longer...then after more waiting we find out that they declined to put "STAT" on the sample, so that's why it's taking so friggin long. i was okay (prolly cuz of the drugs that gave me, which included a small dose of Ativan - woo hoo!) but mom was climbing the walls. they tell me their best guess is that i've overdosed on my Tegretol, and send me home. er, exxxcuse me? what do i do about taking my meds that evening, 3 of which are tegretol pills? oh, go ahead and take everything. so, i might be overdosing on something and your solution is for me to take more of it? err, well, take only 2 of em, and follow up with your neurologist. so that i did. call the neurologists office, they tell me i'm scheduled in July, that's the soonest they can see me - excuse me?!?!? spent the night in the emergency room and yet they can't follow up with me until late july? so they tell me they'll have a doc call back. he agrees with the er doc's assessment and we'll cut back the tegretol and see how it goes. how completely fucking vague. arghhhhh

break out "Seven and the Ragged Tiger" tonight...

my date book gives info on the phases of the moon, and apparently there's a new moon tonight. that means it's time to dig up the Duran Duran music - "New Moon On Monday" was released in 1983.

*sigh* oh, they're soooo dreamy. errrr, well, they were when i was 11, 12, 13 years old. simon lebon, such a hunky lead singer...but oh, nick rhodes, doing keyboards in his wild hair and crazy makeup...LOL

of course, i think it's their fault i turned into a big ol' dyke - i remember watching the unrated version of the "Girls On Film" video - topless chicks having pillow fights...*sigh* those were the days...

hrmmm, their site says they're coming to indy on July 24 - tickets are $59.50 - ouch!!

bumper sticker of the day...

this one made me laugh...

You almost have a full deck, however you are one jack off

heh heh heh...

Queer As Folk and Sharon Gless

tonight was another episode of the final season of Queer As Folk (the us version, that is) - i must say, showtime really fucked up by leaving such huge gaps between seasons...it's hard to get back into it. i suspect another reason it's difficult to get into it is that the show's just a complete downer - everybody's pissed at everybody, and there's just such a negative tone over the whole thing. it really sucks...

one thing i always found amusing was that my MOTHER would usually remind me about QAF being on - sometimes i think she liked it more than me. kinda weird watching a tv show with your mother and the gayboys are doin the nasty, but we both enjoyed the show.

sharon gless is definitely a highlight to the show - and wouldn't ya know it, her birthday was last week. i was shocked to see that she's 62. SIXTY-TWO?!?!? enjoy the Social Security benefits, Officer Cagney...

Hit Me Baby One More Time

NBC's making me feel old - Hit Me Baby One More Time is on - "Veteran musicians compete with performances of their hits and a cover of a popular song, with the winner to be determined by audience voting; included are updates on each performer's career as well as a history of their paths to fame." tonight it's Loverboy, CeCe Peniston, A Flock Of Seagulls, Tiffany and Arrested Development...

i'm so confused - all these guys got old and fat and bald in the 20-ish years since they were popular - i thought time was just supposed to come to a screeching halt for them so that my memories could stay as they were.

birthday celebrations!

my calendar of days informs me that today's the birthday of the Marquis de Sade - 265 years of Sadistic goodness! ;-)

tomorrow i'm gonna meet up with Steph and others to celebrate her birthday - if June 3rd is her actual birthday, then she shares it with Allen Ginsberg, although i'm gonna venture a guess and say she wasn't born in the same year (1926) *8-)

i actually met Ginsberg waaaaaay back in my college days - my impression? the guy was a major asshole. he came to speak during our Pink Triangle Week and he just thought he was all that and a bag o' chips - hey, even if he was, he was just such a major asshole. he arrived on campus and promptly told event organizers which student he wanted to be with that evening - uhhhh, al, perhaps you should TALK TO THE GUY FIRST and not act as if you're placing an order at the Boyz R Us drive-thru. yup, he was an asshole. *shrug*

Urkel Found!

amazing the weirdness the world wide web contains...just in case you were wondering whatever happened to Urkel from Family Matters (aka Jaleel White), he blogs on occasion for the NBA's website

the holiday weekend recap...

nice (though somewhat atypical) holiday weekend - didn't have the usual Memorial Day picnic or party type thing, but still fun.

saturday, went to michele's 40th bday party...she was surprised. the key to a surprise birthday party? have it on a day that isn't actually the person's birthday!

sunday was race day - bummer that danica patrick didn't win, but 4th is still damned good for a rookie run at the indy 500. maybe next year.

my internal calendar's all sorts of confused - i think it started on friday, when news about Carb day being that day made me think it was thursday. dangit, Carb Day is Thursday - that's the tradition! granted, the race cars no longer have the carburetors that put the "carb" in Carb Day, but it's still supposed to be the thursday before the race, not friday. alas, mom and i made our own Carb Day on friday - i fixed spaghetti for dinner. *8-) granted, the "carb" in spaghetti is for carbohydrate rather than carburetor, but still - carbs galore!

sunday night i got kat and we went to Garage Party at Club Industry...what a jumble of emotions there - supposedly the last Garage Party since Indiana Still Cares is going belly up. Indiana just don't Care no more. *shrug* it was the 25th Garage Party, and brought back memories of my being a volunteer long ago for Indiana Cares, and the Stop AIDS project. for some reason, my volunteering and being at the 13th Garage Party stands out in my head - G P One Three - at the Indiana State Fairgrounds. *shrug* all in all, the Garage Party went out with a whimper rather than a bang - just a dj and booze set up at Club Industry with a smattering of Bag Ladies. nice little change of scenery from the usual bars, but still nothing too special.

PostSecret

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.

very cool - i'm gonna hafta decide what secrets i have and then select one to reveal. there's no archive of what postcards are shown, which at first i thought sucked, but now i think that's prolly a good idea.

Farking animals - art or not?

Fark.com is all aglow with discussion of a sculpture recently installed at the new Herron School of Art at IUPUI (Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis, for you non-natives) - Wim Delvoye's sculpture Trophy shows two deer doing the nasty in the so-called "missionary position"

it's kind of scary that we're in an environment nowadays when a television news story discussing art cannot even show a complete photo of the aforementioned sculpture, much less name the artist. surely channel 13's scared of complaints from people that will suggest they're showing porn on tv or on their web site version of the story. even though the sculpture was approved by the school community and is supposed to be there through October (dunno if that'll happen, now that there's such publicity about it) we can't talk seriously about it in the news because it's of a somewhat sexual nature.

what really sucks is that in looking around for some of the information that the WTHR story didn't provide (ie, the artist's name - Wim Delvoye) i see that there's some very interesting artwork that this guy's created, but that will no doubt be pushed to the wayside because he tried to make some creation that was misinterpreted or thought too smutty to consider.

This Guardian link mentions "Cloaca, a room-sized mechanical imitation of the human digestive system" - more info on that one at Time.com

here's the artnet link with some of Delvoye's work shown...

this guy looks to be a very intriquing artist with a lot to say, but something a little racy sends our Puritanical overlords into a tailspin and his messages will get lost...

Mood ruiners...

nothing ruins a day like being surrounded by grumpy people. grrr.

go ahead - sit around and be pissy, and then get mad because i stay the hell out of your way and don't talk to you, for fear of pissing ya off even more.

Hanzi Smatter

latest blog to spend waaaay too much time reading: Hanzi Smatter - "Dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters (Hanzi or Kanji) in Western culture."

living proof of how STUPID ya look when you get a character of a language and/or culture you know nothing about permanently inked on yourself.

movie night with mommy

while getting momma a mother's day present at best buy last week, i got passes to a sneak preview of Monster-in-Law - first Jane Fonda movie in 15 years (eeek! 9 to 5 is twenty five years old!!!) the movie was cute, and it was cool that mom left work early to go to the movie with me. *8-)

Personality Test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||||| 23% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Empathy |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious |||||||||||| 43% Hedonism |||||||||||||| 56% Materialism |||||||||| 36% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||| 36% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||| 23% Conflict seeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Avoidant |||||||||||| 43% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 76% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||| 36% Food indulgent |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||||||||||||| 56% Vanity || 10% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

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*woof woof*

doggiesitting's going well. i'm thinking it's like having a kid - i rather like hanging out with my cousin's kids and all that, but when it's all said and done, i like not having to take 'em home with me. temporary is the way to go. *8-)

hangin out with a real bitch...

heh heh heh, i'm doggiesitting! adam's got a gig in detroit and codi's gone with him, so i get to hang at his place and watch Madison. saying that i'm watching Jaeger and Stoli would be overstating it - those kitties don't hang with the humans too much - and i don't even know what the fishies names are, i just know to feed em once a day...

Madison likes me so much, she's literally licking my feet. i dunno, basset tongue on the toes is a bit squicky...time to put on some socks...

Guess The Google...

the Codimeister sent me the link to Guess The Google while she shoulda been packing for her trip to Detroit...

around the web...

a few random links i've clicked on today:

this kid was DESTINED to become an OB/GYN: http://www.hcbmdbom.medem.com/

Showdog Moms & Dads on Bravo is a very interesting show - and after seeing Brandon on the show, it's no wonder the name of Ryan's business is High Maintenance Bitch

Unintentionally sexual comic book covers: part 1

find the SOCCER BALL, dummy!!

CRAZY!

This Fark Photoshop Contest contained a link to evidence of the mental disturbances of various Sesame Street characters. So that's where it comes from!!

turmoil...

everything's just been swallowed up into this big whirlwind of activities...

thankfully, things are getting back to "normal" - tho how do you have normal after burying your godson, just one day away from living three full weeks?

it just occured to me that tomorrow's friday - i've lost all concept of time this past week - totally bizarre.

*sigh*

more arrangements

Mom and i helped Marian make more arrangements today - we met with people at Crown Hill to arrange the burial, went and ordered flowers from a florist, and bought Dametri an outfit to be buried in. finding an outfit was especially difficult because he's sooooooo small - even christening gowns we found were obviously going to be too big, although they're SUPPOSED to be too big. eventually we found an outfit at a boutique in greenwood.

the funeral is tuesday - i just want it to be over and done with - the pain's obviously not going to go away, but just to be able to hit the FFWD key on the remote control of life just a bit would be a good thing, it seems...

family emergency

on thursday morning, mom and i received a phone call - my cousin Marian had prematurely given birth to twin boys less than 3 weeks prior, and she'd finally gotten the smaller of the two home the day before. now, less than 10 hours after getting him home, he was dead.

Dametri Bernard Williams was barely 20 days old. the funeral's on tuesday.

they're still sorting things out, but it appears that his cause of death is being poor - it seems that Medicaid babies are shuttled out of the hospital a bit sooner than others. perhaps that's paranoia, but he was barely FOUR POUNDS when sent home, and when he was in the hospital he'd had problems with eating and a variety of other issues.

Dominic Edward Williams went home several days before Dametri - he'd not had nearly the number of problems his twin brother had, tho he's still a preemie in a very delicate state.

this hits me and my mother especially hard because Marian asked us to be Dominic & Dametri's godmothers. i actually haven't seen Dametri - when he was born, i had a cold or some bug, and knowing how fragile they were as preemies, i knew to stay the hell away from the hospital, even though i so desperately wanted to see my godsons. now the only chance i'll get to see Dametri is shortly before they bury him on Tuesday. we got together today to take care of some of the arrangements, and i got to meet Dominic - he's sooooo tiny!!! a 0-3 mos. sized sleeper is enormous on him.

it's too much - i'll have to blog more later

Dr. Ana Priscu - in a class all by herself.

so, today i went to my appointment to see Dr. Ana Priscu - a regularly scheduled 6-month checkup with the endocrinologist. all my labs looked okay, except i'm still having problems with my cholesterol, so we're gonna up the Zocor dosage.

it started off on a bad note - my appointment was scheduled for 11:45, i get there at 11:40 only to find a variety of insurance problems. so we get things somewhat sorted out and i sit and wait for my appointment...and i wait...and i wait...it's 12:50 before i get into an exam room. i'm seeething, ready to just yell and scream at whoever walks in the door.

next person to walk in the door, dr. priscu. no yelling and screaming tho - she asks how i'm doing, and i burst into tears. tell her about my trying to lose weight and about the evil bastard neurologist at the neurology clinic that told me to tape my mouth shut. i mean, this guy has my medical history in front of him, including a diagnosis from his office's psychiatrist of me as having bulimia, as well as notes from my regular doctor and endocrinologist about my diabetes and other health issues, and he tells me to stop eating altogether. i think, if one wanted to get really nitpicky about it, what he said could qualify as malpractice. so anyway, i tell dr. priscu about this and we talk about my options. she looks at my chart, sees that it's not like i'm gaining weight, i've been very stable - just fat. perhaps going on the medically supervised weight loss program my mother's been on would work, using a nutrition supplement in lieu of food while learning how to change your eating habits et cetera for the better. i tell dr. priscu i probably can't afford the program, because all i have now as far as income goes is food stamps and i've taxed my mother financially enough as it is so i can't ask her to pay for it. dr. priscu tells me that she'll waive her fees and can probably get the supplement to me at a discounted rate. then she realizes what i'd told her earlier -- that i'd been diagnosed as bulimic by a psychiatrist -- disqualifies me from the program. having an eating disorder and trying this program would probably cause depression (enough of which i have already) and people with eating disorders tend to focus soooo much on the numbers that bad things can happen - purging, etc. she tells me that weight watchers would probably be a good alternative. then she asks me if she can help me with this and pay my fees to go to weight watchers. yes, a doctor GIVING money to her patients. i tell her i can't possibly accept, i have a hard enough time accepting help from my mother, i'm not about to ask anyone else for help. she tells me about coming from romania years and years ago and not having any money but now she's got plenty and she wants to help me. she tells me i'm young, i'm smart, and that i DESERVE this neurosurgery. (why the hell can't i get MYSELF to believe those things??) then she leaves the office and returns a few minutes later with an envelope - in it is $140 in cash, which will cover enrollment fees and 12 weeks of the program.

she's just so fucking wonderful - and i don't say that just because she gave me money, but because she's so honest and encouraging and respectful of her patients. she just blows me away.

heh heh heh...

You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
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you playing the dominant role MEORW!


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malpractice?

the more i think about it, the more the comment from Dr. Markand REALLY pisses me off. he's one of the neurologists i'm seeing prior to the epilepsy surgery. while i usually deal with other docs, my last appointment i got to see him. when he saw that i haven't lost a significant amount of weight since my last trip to the office, he told me that i should "put a piece of tape on my mouth". i was taken aback when he said it, and didn't comment during the appointment. but since then, that comment has been eating away at me - no pun intended.

yes, asshole, i am aware that i am fat. take a glance at my chart - you'll see that it's not just from one too many twinkies. YES, i do have a problem with overeating/binging from time to time, but i also have to deal with being diabetic, having PCOS, and god knows what psychiatric diagnoses they've come up with for me now. telling me to put a piece of tape on my mouth does NOTHING to help the situation - perhaps recommending appropriate diet/exercise plans or something POSITIVE would help, instead of further throwing me down the hole of depression.

so, say i take that piece of tape and put it on my mouth - i don't eat but continue to take my prescribed meds - my blood sugar drops and sends me into a seizure that just might not end. should something like that happen, i'd say that it's very obvious that this is a case of medical malpractice by Dr. Markand - he's the bastard that did say i should stop eating.

grrrr. the whole thing just has me seeeething.

haven't heard this one before...

of course, the ol' "Jesus saves" comment has lots of additions to it that we've all seen before (my personal fave being "Jesus saves by using coupons and shopping wisely") but i saw a new one in an email sig today:

"Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes."

hahaha!

Rupert!

i love to surprise people - so when i saw an upcoming event advertised last week that i knew kat would enjoy, i told her that she was being kidnapped on saturday. awfully nice of me to warn someone of their impending kidnapping, dontcha think?

saturday was opening night at Hoosier Park - i've never been to the horse races, and neither has Kat - however, what really made it something i knew she'd enjoy meeting Rupert Boneham from "Survivor" - she swears she's Rupert's biggest fan. it was a "Reality Show Star Challenge" : Butch Lockley from "Survivor", Melissa Hunter (aka MoJo) of "Joe Millionaire" and Ryan Laster of "Elimidate" were also there. so we got our pix taken with Rupert, got autographs & t-shirts and watched the races. kat and i made bets based on names of the horses, having absolutely no knowledge of this stuff, and we did rather well - one horse won that we bet to place - had we bet on it to win, our $2 bet would've won $46 - instead, it was more like five bucks. doubt i'll make a habit of going to the track, but it was certainly fun and i wouldn't mind doing it again.

Surgery update: more delays...

went to the neurologist today - surgery can't happen till i lose at least 30 pounds - the equipment used for the Wada test has weight limits, gotta lose the weight before the Wada, which is the final test i need to do before surgery.

doc tells me to put a piece of tape on my mouth to stop eating. argh. i explained that after my last appointment and they told me they wanted me to lose weight, that i was really pumped up to do it. then i twisted my leg and my ankle - couldn't exercise. that really bummed me out, and so diet plans went out the window. being diagnosed as a non-purging bulimic is something i haven't really addressed or come to terms with - for the most part, i would say that i eat a regular diet, but there are times when i binge, and when i binge you'd better watch the hell out.

feeling lots of frustration right now.

the alma mater in the news...

Earlham made it into the news today, and for once it wasn't about their attempts to hang on to Conner Prairie and Eli Lilly's money...

Earlham student hits pundit with pie

Associated Press
March 30, 2005

RICHMOND, Ind. -- A pie in the face didn't silence conservative pundit William Kristol during a speech at Earlham College.

A man who later was identified as a student at the private Quaker college jumped onto the stage and splattered Kristol with the pie Tuesday night about 30 minutes into a speech about U.S. foreign policy.

Members of the audience jeered the student as he walked off the stage, then applauded as Kristol wiped the goo off his face with a paper towel and said, "Just let me finish this point," the Palladium-Item reported.

The student was suspended and could face expulsion following a disciplinary review, Earlham Provost Len Clark said today.

The school, which did not release the student's name, said Kristol was hit by an ice cream pie. Some of the pie also hit college President Doug Bennett, who was sitting on the stage.

Clark issued a written apology complimenting Kristol for his "graciousness."

Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard in Washington who was chief of staff to Vice President Dan Quayle, finished his speech after he was hit by the pie and then took questions from the audience before spending 30 minutes talking with students and others who gathered at the edge of the stage.

Earlham is a liberal arts college of about 1,200 students that is well-known for its peace studies program.

all i can do is smirk...i wonder if the "disciplinary review" would be a College Judical Council meeting - i was an elected student rep of the CJC in my college days. somehow, i suspect they'll try to do this in a grown-ups only manner, with no input from students.

i really drank the kool-aid and saw the utopia that Earlham promised while i was there, but after getting screwed over by them financially, i guess i've become a bit jaded as to how much they live by the ideals that they espouse.

weekend wrapup...

the weekend wasn't exactly as i expected it to be, but it was alright...

friday night, Kat, Jake and i went and picked out movies to watch- we ended up renting Catwoman, Mr. 3000, Open Water and Jack. my reviews:

Catwoman: i was leery of this one, just because of all the horrible reviews it's gotten, but when you're picking out movies for 2 "grown-ups" (me and kat) and an 11 year old, selection can be rather limited. Roger Ebert's review made me realize why the reviews are all so bad - i think people had way too many expectations of this movie. if you want a popcorn-eating, non-thinking movie to zone out to, it's alright. if ya want your superheroes to have some depth and a story that explains HOW they get their superpowers and how they deal with having them, look elsewhere...but damn if Halle Berry didn't look hot in that catsuit. ;-)

Mr. 3000: Bernie Mac's a funny guy - cute movie.

Open Water: woah - this one's based on a true story of a couple of divers left out in the ocean. filmed on digital equipment, it's rather unnerving to watch - pretty unbelievable.

Jack: haven't watched this one yet, but rented it solely because of the cover of the dvd - Anton Yelchin, who plays Byrd on "Huff" one of my favorite shows. Yelchin's apparently the lead character, Jack, dealing with parents, one of whom is gay...we'll see how it turns out.

Against the Ropes: saw this one on Showtime today - based on the true story of female boxing promoter Jackie Kallen...interesting movie, but i don't think Meg Ryan was the right choice to play Kallen.

all the movie watching's been the majority of my weekend cuz i seem to have developed a nasty chest cold or something. seem to have some of those nasty phlegmballs like in that mucinex commercial - *cough* was supposed to go to easter dinner at michelle's, but cancelled on her because i felt so awful and don't feel the need to be spreading my germs around...

the other thing i was supposed to do today was go see marian's new babies at the hospital, but refrained from that because of the germ issue too. i have learned, however, that marian wants me to be a godmother!!!! how cool is that?!?!? not sure if i'll be godmother to both of the twins or just one, but it doesn't matter. i'm thrilled. hafta get well now so i can go see them (and find out if marian and ed have decided on the correct spelling of the boys' names) - guess now i'm a Fairy Godmother! *8-)

happy easter!

on this day of Christianity, i reckon it'd be good to post a little history of the holiday, courtesy of Eddie Izzard:

So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,


"Jesus died for your sins."

"Yeah, I know, it's great!”

“No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!”

“ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."


And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!

a good weekend. *8-)

friday night kat and i went to games night - woulda been nice if brandy could've joined us, but something happened there and she didn't make it. it was good to see angela again - you'd think i'd keep in contact with her more often, as close to each other as we are - she's right up the street! in addition to cranium, we played Snorta - rather amusing game that makes everyone look like a goofy idiot. (as if i need any help in that department)

saturday i met up with jamie, a person i've been chatting with on alt. we met up at Vic's, had dinner at Bravo (my first time there - think i like Buca di Beppo more, but it was still very good) and then had dessert at Jamie's apartment. *smirk* i think we'll be seeing more of each other. perhaps i'll even need to reevaluate my place on the Kinsey Scale.

sunday i left jamie's and headed to zionsville for marian's baby shower - i think mom's a little perturbed i didn't tell her about jamie and subsequent details, but i'm feeling the need for a little distance from her. i know she's used to knowing everything that's going on with me, but right now, i'm not sharing everything.

so this vagina goes into a grocery store...

that's about how it was - majorly PMSing, i bought waaaaay too much junk food. oh well, ya only live once, right?

other medical news...

oh yeah, the cat scan came back alright (any time i tell people it was "normal" they question me because apparently the thought of lori's head and normal used in the same sentence does not compute) my thyroid's okay, as well as my blood count. however, they forgot to do the tegretol level when they did the other 2 blood tests, so i gave up another tube of blood and am still waiting to hear what's up with that.

so if my thyroid's okay, what the hell's going on that's got me sweating all the time and drinking like a fish? my blood sugars are kept in check, i don't think it's a byproduct of the diabetes. alas, i'm NOT going to go look on webmd and determine that i've got some exotic disease to add to the list of what's wrong with me - that list is long enough, thanks.

thirty bucks at the pharmacy...

i suppose spending thirty bucks at the pharmacy on prescriptions isn't that bad, it's just that when your prescriptions are three dollars each that it kinda weirds ya out a bit. thank god for medicaid.

i'm officially outta the intensive outpatient therapy program (IOP) at behavioral care south - they're moving me across the street, to Adult & Child, where they feel i can get a better level of care. this means i'm no longer gonna see sheron, my therapist of the last few years, but since there's generally a 2-3 month wait for an appointment, i suppose that's not that big a deal. i just really hate change, even when i know it's for the better.

grrrrrrr

my disability denial came in the mail yesterday. i'd thought that since they were taking longer than usual to approve me that they'd actually APPROVE me, but i was wrong in thinking that.

i am so fucked.