IOP...

that's the acronym for Intensive Outpatient Program - a half-day version of the Partial Hospitalization Program...same people, i just leave at noon instead of staying till 3. today was the 3rd day of IOP for me, slowly getting me ready to leave the program and go back to either one-on-one therapy or finding a weekly group (perhaps returning to the Stress Management group that sent me to PHP in the first place)...

leslie led a portion of the morning's session, and i discussed a few of the things floating around in my head...i might have to go elsewhere for a discussion of sm, since she thinks that relationships that involve it are inherently dysfunctional and most (if not all) of the group couldn't relate to the things i was saying...she also said that being submissive was not a good thing. hrmmm...

fina-fuckin-ly!

yeah, it took about 2 hours, but my emailbox is now devoid of new/unread mail messages. between being in a funk and spending a lot of time at kat's, i've not spent much time online. i'm sure some of it has to do with my depression as well - i generally stay on top of things as far as email and snail mail and don't let it get too out of hand...

now i just need to step away from the computer awhile and then come back and REPLY to the tens of messages i need to address...

review: last thursday & friday in the looney bin...

so, they tell us while we're in the PHP (partial hospitalization program) that we'll no longer be seeing our regular psychiatrist or therapist, there are specific therapists overseeing us daily, and one psychiatrist that will be seeing us weekly for updates and medication adjustments. problem is, there are too many patients for this to actually happen - part of the reason for that is that the doc isn't there all the time, she only has a few hours scheduled to see us on Mondays and Thursdays.

so, thursday was my appointment with dr. mohan, my neurologist - his office is at community hospital on the east side of town. the klonopin that the shrink has given me takes care of my anxiety and panic attacks, but on the down side, it knocks my ass out. so, not wanting to fall asleep on my way to the doc's office, i didn't take my morning dose of klonopin. it became painfully obvious that the klonopin works for the anxiety - i was jittery and anxious and just felt like shit. dr. mohan says everything looks alright (my blood pressure was 126/86 - pretty close to normal for me, a little high but nothing too bad) and sends me on my way - i go back to therapy to finish off the day and meet with the shrink to talk about adjusting and/or changing the meds again. well, too bad lori, she doesn't have any time for ya. WHAT?!?!? i'm freaking out here and she can't see me? i have to be like this until at least monday, if not later?!?!?!? leslie tells me that she'll see if she can get me squeezed in with the doc somehow - nope, not gonna happen. so then i ask what the hell to do because i'm going fucking crazy with these meds. well, i can wait to see if i can see another doc on friday, or call my family doc, or go to the emergency room. what the fuck kind of options are those?!? an er doc that's never seen me's gonna think i'm shopping for drugs, i'm sure. so, i go to dr. english's office (she's so fucking wonderful - i have the best doctor in the world!!!) and apologize profusely for not having an appointment but explain that the looney bin told me to either see her or go to the emergency room and could she PLEASE just see me for a few minutes. i'm sure that my bursting into tears made it obvious that i REALLY needed to see her. they tell me they'll take care of me and get me in as soon as possible. a few minutes later, i'm in the exam room - nurse takes my blood pressure - 168/98 - excuse me?!? my 3 hours in mental health care has caused my blood pressure to jump more than 40 points?!?!?!?!? yup, definite sign that i'm a bit stressed out. so i tell dr. e that i'm on the klonopin, 1/2 a tab in the morning, 1 at night, that previously i'd been taking 2 and that REALLY zonked me out, but that just 1 didn't do the job. told her that the xanax i'd taken previously seemed to work, but that it just seemed to wear off after a while. she tells me there's a xanax xr out there - extended release, just take one a day. gives me a card to take to the pharmacy for a free weeks' supply - that'll hold me over till the shrink can see me. dunno if the first one i took was just a placebo effect thang or not, but i did calm down shortly after taking it, and the past few days have been much more stable, so we'll see...

i was really ready to just say FUCK Y'ALL to the whole program at Behavioral Care South because of this and some other unfortunate events, but i made myself go back on friday. thankfully charles was leading group that day and calmed me down a bit and said that i actually handled things well. it's just so frustrating to be in this pit of depression, desperately trying to claw myself out, while at the same time dealing with insurance requirements and unkept appointments and misinformation and on and on and on....

mandatory post from The Pillsbury Dough Dyke...

this thread on fark cracked me up!

Replace a word in a famous quote with the word "cookie." "For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten cookie..."

some personal favorites:

"Those who would trade liberty for cookies deserve neither."
-Benjamin Franklin

"I believe a marriage is between a man and a cookie."
-George W. Bush

"The cookies are coming the cookies are coming!"
-Paul Revere

"Go ahead, punk, make my cookie."
-Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry

"That's one small step for man, one giant cookie for mankind."
-Neil Armstrong