ever have an urge to hear a certain song or two, but for the life of ya you can't find the CD and it's not on kazaa or anywhere you've looked? ugh, so friggin frustrating! happened to me last week, with THREE cd's - a desperate need to hear Astronauts & Heretics by Thomas Dolby (the whole album) as well as Welcome To My Dream by MC 500 Ft Jesus (most of that album) and a few tracks by Kitchens of Distinction...all 90's stuff...after not being able to find my discs and unable to get tracks i wanted online, i figured it was worth the price (of my ever-decreasing sanity) to hit Best Buy and buy 'em - not a single one was available. ARGH!!!!!!!!!
thank Whoever that there's ebay - i got dolby and jesus discs in the mail this week, and they've soothed me a bit...now that i've re-purchased them, i'm sure the ones i originally bought will turn up - but that's okay, they're that good.
guess my musical tastes haven't changed much in the last 10-15 years...
Saturday, May 29, 2004
anniversaries...
memorial day weekend, 1988 - it was sixteen years ago this weekend that i was in the hospital, in intensive care with meningitis and encephalitis...
sixteen years...meaning now i've lived with my seizures longer than i've lived without them...
i must say, all this introspection with therapy and such makes me wonder - if i'd had that magic wand and *POOF*, made the seizures disappear, how would i be different as a person? better? worse? stronger? a bigger asshole? tough call...
i suppose i should be practicing mindfulness and not dwell on the past so much, yet at the same time, there are some big issues looming in my mind that i need to discuss in group next week - get stuff out on the table instead of being locked up in my brain...
sixteen years...meaning now i've lived with my seizures longer than i've lived without them...
i must say, all this introspection with therapy and such makes me wonder - if i'd had that magic wand and *POOF*, made the seizures disappear, how would i be different as a person? better? worse? stronger? a bigger asshole? tough call...
i suppose i should be practicing mindfulness and not dwell on the past so much, yet at the same time, there are some big issues looming in my mind that i need to discuss in group next week - get stuff out on the table instead of being locked up in my brain...
Friday, May 28, 2004
Partial - Day Five...
made it through Week #1 of the Partial Hospitalization Program (finally! the whole title! not just Partial or PHP, but an explanation of what all the letters stand for!)
this codependency book has me thinking about a lot of things - a lot of relationships with people (past and present) and how they've affected me and how i've affected them...lots to ponder...perhaps next week will consist of a major breakthrough (rather than breakdown) and the light bulb will go on over my head...
this codependency book has me thinking about a lot of things - a lot of relationships with people (past and present) and how they've affected me and how i've affected them...lots to ponder...perhaps next week will consist of a major breakthrough (rather than breakdown) and the light bulb will go on over my head...
*yawn*
ugh, this getting up to be at group by 9am shit is killing me. all throughout my unemployment, i've been on a modified version of my previous work schedule - not quite a night shift, but closer to that than being a morning person. too bad they don't have a 9pm-3am class...
in addition to playing havoc on my sleep schedule, i'm having difficulty adjusting my meds to this new schedule - my blood sugar keeps dropping in the afternoons. hell, who knows, when i see the endocrinologist the week after next, maybe she'll suggest we change the diabetes meds...
in addition to playing havoc on my sleep schedule, i'm having difficulty adjusting my meds to this new schedule - my blood sugar keeps dropping in the afternoons. hell, who knows, when i see the endocrinologist the week after next, maybe she'll suggest we change the diabetes meds...
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Partial - Day Three...
well, day three means there was obviously a day two, right? yeah. day two was much better - i actually got to talk and stood up (yes, ME, assertive!!!) and explained my frustrations at not knowing what the hell all the code words and such meant (i'm a Beaver, BTW) and so we got things out in the open - charles thanked me for "coming out of the closet"...it was then that i said "oh yeah, by the way, i'm a lesbian" - it made coming out rather easy, i wasn't sure how it'd go since it seems like most of the group is or has been married to members of the opposite sex. hell, i might be the only queer there, not quite sure yet.
anyhoo, although i'm in the midst of three books, i got #4 and am now about a third of the way through it - Codependent no more : how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. guess we can add another diagnosis to the list - lori's got some codependency issues.
more to talk about later...
anyhoo, although i'm in the midst of three books, i got #4 and am now about a third of the way through it - Codependent no more : how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. guess we can add another diagnosis to the list - lori's got some codependency issues.
more to talk about later...
Monday, May 24, 2004
Partial - Day One...
Partial - now, i dunno exactly why they do this shit, but that's they call it. i suppose it's a politically correct condensation of the term "partially fucking insane" - i'm now spending 6 hours a day in therapy trying to get out of this depression...
thus far? day 1 made it worse. it's weird enough to enter a group therapy room with 11 strangers and be the only one that hasn't a clue what's going on. then to have all these code words and inside jokes flying about makes ya feel even more left out. then to not even have a chance to say more than two sentences about myself and the fact that i desperately want nothing more than to kill myself really sucks.
what did i get out of today? well, there are other people out there that are depressed. this, i already knew.
i'm thinking i'll give it one more try tomorrow - maybe it was just one of those weird flukes that meant i didn't get a chance to talk - but i certainly didn't get a good feeling in those initial six hours...
thus far? day 1 made it worse. it's weird enough to enter a group therapy room with 11 strangers and be the only one that hasn't a clue what's going on. then to have all these code words and inside jokes flying about makes ya feel even more left out. then to not even have a chance to say more than two sentences about myself and the fact that i desperately want nothing more than to kill myself really sucks.
what did i get out of today? well, there are other people out there that are depressed. this, i already knew.
i'm thinking i'll give it one more try tomorrow - maybe it was just one of those weird flukes that meant i didn't get a chance to talk - but i certainly didn't get a good feeling in those initial six hours...
Sunday, May 23, 2004
one friggin point...
we lost by one friggin point tonight - "we" being the Fever, at my 2nd ever attended Fever game (and the 2nd attended in the past 3 days!) one minute left and the score was tied, and the Mystics ended up winning by one point...it was a nailbiter for sure...
kim's a sweetie - i offered to pay her for my ticket, but she said it was on her...we were right behind the Mystics bench...those season ticket thangs are cool...someday i'll have the money for that sort of thing...
kim's a sweetie - i offered to pay her for my ticket, but she said it was on her...we were right behind the Mystics bench...those season ticket thangs are cool...someday i'll have the money for that sort of thing...
current reads from the library...
i'm in the midst of reading three books from the library right now...
The book on Bush : how George W. (mis)leads America - Eric Alterman - it's taking me FOREVER to read this book...i'm about halfway through it, but it just gets too depressing reading about how Dubya's fucked up this country, so i put it down for a while...i think i've renewed it through the website about three times now...
Nam June Paik : video time, video space - Nam June Paik - during a late night trip to meijer, kat and i stumbled across some art prints, which got us talking about favorite artists. i told her about Paik, but any description i could give wouldn't give his art justice...hell, the book doesn't do his sculptures justice, but it'll give her an idea of the weird sort of stuff i like. i'm also re-reading the book in the hopes of getting re-energized and perhaps a bit artistically motivated - maybe that'll help with the job search...
Seizure free : from epilepsy to brain surgery, I survived, and you can, too! - Leanne Chilton - interesting read, so far, tho i must say i'm annoyed at the little errors and such. Chilton needs a better editor. it's good to have a book that's not all bogged down in clinical terms and such, but typographical and other errors just irk me...
The book on Bush : how George W. (mis)leads America - Eric Alterman - it's taking me FOREVER to read this book...i'm about halfway through it, but it just gets too depressing reading about how Dubya's fucked up this country, so i put it down for a while...i think i've renewed it through the website about three times now...
Nam June Paik : video time, video space - Nam June Paik - during a late night trip to meijer, kat and i stumbled across some art prints, which got us talking about favorite artists. i told her about Paik, but any description i could give wouldn't give his art justice...hell, the book doesn't do his sculptures justice, but it'll give her an idea of the weird sort of stuff i like. i'm also re-reading the book in the hopes of getting re-energized and perhaps a bit artistically motivated - maybe that'll help with the job search...
Seizure free : from epilepsy to brain surgery, I survived, and you can, too! - Leanne Chilton - interesting read, so far, tho i must say i'm annoyed at the little errors and such. Chilton needs a better editor. it's good to have a book that's not all bogged down in clinical terms and such, but typographical and other errors just irk me...
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