goofy jokes...

a thread on TotalFark reminded me of some goofy (read: STUPID) jokes i enjoy, as well as adding some new ones to the list...


Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Damn, it's hot in here, isn't it?" The other muffin says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"



Q: What do you call a female turtle?
A: A clitortoise.



What's brown and sticky?
A stick!



What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!



A pirate walks into a bar with a captain's wheel down his pants.

He walks up to the bar and the bartender says "What’s with the steering wheel down your pants?"

Pirate says "Yargh! It's driving me nuts!"



A pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch walks into a bar and the barman sees him and says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while, where'd you get that peg leg?"

"I lost me leg to a shark while out at sea", the pirate replies.

"Oh, well, what happened to your hand? That hook is new too."

"Arrh, I lost me hand to a shark as well", answered the pirate.

"Wow, well you didn't have the eyepatch either. Did a shark get your eye too?"

"No," the pirate said, "the first day I had the hook, a bird pooped in me eye."



A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" asked the doctor.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir," said the dumbfounded Doctor, "I really don't know what to tell you. I've never encountered anything like this before."

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged.

The doctor did as the man said and heard the ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said.

"However, I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."



A blond goes to the doctor and complains she isn't feeling well. The doctor discovers carrots in her ears and lettuce in her nose.

The blonde asks "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies "You aren't eating right."