freaking out...

up at an ungodly hour - spent the last couple tossing and turning in bed...not sure what woke me up, but then i got medicaid on the brain and it's been freakout ever since. this spend-down thing's got me really freaked out - how the hell am i supposed to live on what social security gives me MINUS FORTY PERCENT? six hundred a month is gonna be ROUGH. so i'm trying to think of all these ways to milk the system - doc visits and med refills at the beginning and end of one month, then none the next month - to save money and it's just causing a freaking anxiety attack. and that's just presuming i can keep it together enough to contain my expenditures to every other month - we know i have a tendency to have things pop up, be they seizures or strange mental things...

the New Year's Resolution i made @ Douglas & Dan's party to ring in 2008 was to be more positive - right now it's not feeling too attainable, i'm feeling really negative...grrr...

i wish the extra xanax i just took would kick in - i just wanna go back to sleep...