lalalalala...

yesterday was certainly interesting - left group early cuz the klonopin was kicking my ass, went home and slept, then went over to kat's...had to give her her bday presents early before she went out and bought em (stuff she needs for the new apt - a microwave and teakettle - woo hoo!)...fixed her a birthday dinner (her pick - steak, corn on the cob, shells & cheese)...then john came over, helped assemble some of her furniture, and then we all had a few cocktails...and then i had a few more - can't remember the last time i was that drunk. more interesting things occurred, but i'll refrain from discussing those here...*8-)

killed the website...

it was about a year ago that i reserved seizureopportunities.com as the domain for my website - the intention being to provide lots of info on the Vagus Nerve Stimulator and my interactions with it. alas, my lack of html skills combined with my lack of patience and time meant that nothing other than a front page ever got done with it. got a notice that the domain was up for renewal and have decided to give it up - paying the $6.95/mo just to keep the front page up and running isn't a luxury i can afford these days...

the weekend...

...is going alrighty, i suppose. tons of laundry done yesterday, a few errands run, yadda yadda yadda...

"dad" called yesterday - strangest conversation i've had with him, i think...he asked how i was doing, and i fessed up - "i'm in a Partial Hospitalization Program and am getting help for depression and anxiety"...hadn't mentioned that when he called a couple of weeks ago (sheesh, can't believe i've been in PHP for 3 weeks now!)...the part where it gets really weird is when he asked "what can i do?" - huh? what? it's been 20 years or so since you've acted like a father and now you're gonna give it a try?!? told him about not having money to pay my bills, he said he'd see what he could manage and send it my way. i'm not holding my breath waiting for that check, but i guess it could happen. then he asked if i wanted to come out and see him - i'd been a bit irked that several months ago he had told me about having matt & paige (my half siblings) come out to see him this summer, but a similar offer wasn't made to me or adam, so to hear that from him was a bit strange...he just didn't sound like the same ol' asshole...hell, maybe he feels guilty...*shrug* is he just trying to rack up some points before father's day? i mentioned that to mom and she said that it's sad that that's the first thing i think of when trying to figure out his intentions, but that it's understandable...people can change, i suppose, but based on his previous history, i'm not holding my breath...

being poor sucks...

i've begun the process of applying for disability medicaid and social security disability - it's depressing as hell. my situation's so bleak that they're getting me on the food stamps program beginning next week. i suppose that'll help a bit, but the medicaid is what's really needed - paying the cobra premiums on my health insurance has killed me - almost $400 a month just to maintain my health insurance. but if i didn't do that, i'd REALLY be screwed...add to that about $200 a month minimum for prescriptions and doctor copays and it's obvious that it's hard to get by on $0 income.

i hate asking for help, i really do - i'm the one supposed to be out there helping others.

oh well, now i'm off to the endocrinologist's office...

*yawn*

not sure what's going on, if it's a side effect of the Klonopin or stress or what, but i'm wide awake right now, been that way since 5:30am - not good when i didn't get to sleep till midnight. another thing that makes me wonder if it's the drugs is that i've been really forgetful since we upped the dose - i sit down to the computer and forget what i was going to do, or go out to the car to get something and forget what it was i wanted. i've also managed to lose mom's cell phone - she's not as freaked about it as i am.

dinnertime...

Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper is food of the gods!!!

*8-)

dunno...

don't know if it's the new cocktail of drugs or all the psycho stuff i'm going through (perhaps a combo of both?), but i seem to be having lots more vivid dreams lately, and have been able to remember more of them...

shouldn't have told adam about the dream i had of him dying - he's flying to LA this weekend...now he doesn't wanna get on the plane.

dammit, i was gonna blog about the dream i just awoke from, now i can't remember what the hell it was about...it's far too easy to say "woah, there's no way i'll forget that one" and then ten minutes later, it's gone...suppose i'll keep my journal (the one in book form, since i don't have a notebook PC) by the bed...

the weekend...

...consisted mainly of helping kat move into her new apartment - couldn't be as helpful as i wanted, since my wrist is still pretty damned weak (and occasionally painful) but we got all the shit moved eventually...makes me realize how damned lucky i was to have josh and steve help me move back in to mom's place - moving sucks.

on sunday, mom and i met up with joanie to get tips on applying for social security disability and such...ugh. the whole process is just so freaking overwhelming - i think even sane people would go crazy doing this shit...

Partial - Day Ten...

well, Week 3 of life in the looney bin started out with a bang...lots of conflict going on, lots of people in crisis...amazing how physically and emotionally draining it can be to sit around and talk for six hours...

lyrics of the day...

i'm not making a joke
you know me i take everything so seriously
if we wait for the time
till all souls get it right
then at least i know there'll be
no nuclear annihilation in my lifetime
i'm still not right
~"Galileo", Indigo Girls

just cuz i always wanted a dog named kittykitty...

Thought For The Day:

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for one night.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

can't think of a title...

damn, i deliberately decide to blog and now i can't think of anything...lalalalala

Partial - Day Nine...

wrapped up Week #2 of life in the Partial Looney Bin today! i tell ya, my fellow Looneys give me lots of things to think about, as do the therapists on staff...

Partial - Day Eight...

you know, it's really weird - it's not even been two weeks in therapy and i feel this closeness, this connection with some of the people there. no, not a "leave and start hanging out with these people" sort of thing, but a sense of respectful friendship.

yeah, i guess six hours a day 5 days a week (except Memorial day made it 4 days this week) is pretty intense, but i haven't seen all of them all the time, some are only half-day people, some haven't shown up for a day or two...

it's just strange to have met these people on May 24, and here on June 3 i've felt more human, more like other people, less alone because of the various ways i've connected and related with them.

i figured i'd be the total freak, the token queer - yet in my talking about various issues, even people that don't know where i'm coming from can chime in with some very helpful ideas, new ways of thinking.

it's cool, and while i know i've still got a long way to go, i think this will prove to be a very helpful program...

two steps forward, one step back...

that's what scott said therapy would be like at times, and that's how it seems now - a big light bulb goes on over my head about something and then a short time afterwards someone saying a single thing to me sets off the tears...some progress made, lots more to go...

they need to get that Magic Pill invented, dammit. you know, the one that cures everything...

Memorial Day 2004...

well, i suppose i shouldn't be so bummed about not going to Lexington - we had some horrible weather yesterday and it woulda really sucked to be out driving in it. so instead i went over to kat's and hung out, knowing she's not real fond of storms. luckily she slept through the worst of it.

hopefully mom'll get a hold of the pool people this week and we can get that baby up and running ASAP!

ARGHHHHHHHHH!

men suck!

cuz of clara's husband, we're not meeting up in lexington this weekend - road trip cancelled!!! *8-( *8-(

musical meltdown...

ever have an urge to hear a certain song or two, but for the life of ya you can't find the CD and it's not on kazaa or anywhere you've looked? ugh, so friggin frustrating! happened to me last week, with THREE cd's - a desperate need to hear Astronauts & Heretics by Thomas Dolby (the whole album) as well as Welcome To My Dream by MC 500 Ft Jesus (most of that album) and a few tracks by Kitchens of Distinction...all 90's stuff...after not being able to find my discs and unable to get tracks i wanted online, i figured it was worth the price (of my ever-decreasing sanity) to hit Best Buy and buy 'em - not a single one was available. ARGH!!!!!!!!!

thank Whoever that there's ebay - i got dolby and jesus discs in the mail this week, and they've soothed me a bit...now that i've re-purchased them, i'm sure the ones i originally bought will turn up - but that's okay, they're that good.

guess my musical tastes haven't changed much in the last 10-15 years...

L	Luscious
O	Odd
R	Refined
I	Insane

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