hey there, Internet Corporation Listing Service - where do i rank in all the search engines when ya do a search for my website on the net?
going through the bills i got in the mail, i open one from ICLS.net...right up at the top, there's my domain name, a Customer Number, etc...
at the bottom, there's a tear-off section, says make checks payable to:... - they want $35 from me.
now waitaminute here - i'm definitely NOT a web geek by ANY stretch of the imagination, but didn't i just register that domain in june, and wasn't it more like ten bucks instead of thirty-five?
the letter says "Description of services: annual website search engine listing from jan 1, 2004 thru jan 1, 2005 -- $35.00"
what's that $35 get me? "domain name submission to 14 major search engines, eight keyword/phrase listings, quarterly search engine position and ranking reports." - hmmm, sounds like they tell the search engines "hey, lori's website's over there", do some of the stuff i get from SiteMeter.com for FREE and make $35.00.
i wouldn't be pissed if it didn't look so much like a bill - i had to read halfway down, past the sales pitch but a bit above the tear-off portion of the not-a-bill to read "this is not a bill. this is a solicitation. you are under no obligation to pay the amount state above unless you accept this offer."
i just wonder how much money these evil scammy bastards have made from people not too web-literate thinking they have to pay a bill to keep their domain. a customer number? totally made up, i've never been a customer of theirs. "please remit payment on or before december 15, 2003"? makes it look more like a bill. "all listings are final"? - yeah, then they can fall back on that when you realize you were scammed and they took $35 from you for shit that's basically worthless.
Friday, November 14, 2003
World Diabetes Day
hmmm...today is World Diabetes Day...perhaps i'll go to Dairy Queen to celebrate! ha ha, just kidding of course...
speaking of books....
just finished up Dude, Where's My Country? by Michael Moore. my review? overall, a good read, but a bit uneven - sorry, the chapter where mike leaves the computer and God takes over to write a chapter? it just didn't work. but there were some things of interest there...
a few quotes:
"They call it a war on 'terror.'" How exactly do you conduct a war on a noun? Wars are fought against countries, religions, and peoples. They are not fought against nouns or problems, and any time it has been attempted -- the 'war on drugs,' the 'war on poverty' -- it fails." - Dude, Where's My Country?, pg 96
"Look, I don't know how to put it any gentler than to say that these bastards who run our country are a bunch of conniving, thieving, smug pricks who need to be brought down and removed and replaced with a whole new system that we control. That is what democracy is supposed to be about -- we, the people, in fucking charge. What happened to us? Perhaps we were never were really in charge and those words just sounded good at Independence Hall on that sweltering day in 1776. Maybe if the Founding Fathers had air conditioning and a corporate jet they never would have written such a foolish thing. But they did, and that's what we're left to work with." - Dude, Where's My Country?, ppg 148-9
"But Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines the word liberal this way: 'Not narrow or contracted in mind; not selfish' and 'not bound by orthodox tenets or established forms in political or religious philosophy; independent in opinion; not conservative; friendly to great freedom in the institution or administration of government....' Liberal is also defined as generous, 'and implies largeness of spirit in giving, judging, acting, etc.'
And that is exactly how the majority of Americans think, act, and behave these days. Though they won't use the word itself, they are the living, breathing definition of liberal in their everyday words and deeds. Just as most independent, free-thinking women rarely use the word 'feminist' anymore; their actions speak louder than their lack of a lable, and feminist is exactly what they are.
So let's not get hung up on the terms. Most Americans don't approach the world with labels, but with common sense." - Dude, Where's My Country?, pg 179
there's also followup stuff on his website -
Run Oprah Run! - yup, Mike, i agree - it's time for a black woman to be president - and who doesn't love oprah? no money issues there, she's got plenty of her own. and we know she's good at saying what she thinks.
Send your receipts to Ashcroft - the so called USA PATRIOT Act means the damned bastard's spying on us enough as it is, let's just cut out the middleman and send him our receipts from book purchases so he can decide whether or not we're too subversive for his liking.
Also on that page are some rather humorous/scary form letters you can send to John - for instance:
Dear Attorney General Ashcroft:
Thought I'd do my part and let you know that I've switched internet service providers (AOL really sucks) and now I'm with (insert name). My new password is (insert). Some of the websites I've been visiting recently are (insert).
Helpfully yours,
Your Name here
they're humorous because you read em and say "there's no way he'd do something like that, invading our privacy in such a way!" and scary because you read em and say "hell yes, he'd do something like that!"
a few quotes:
"They call it a war on 'terror.'" How exactly do you conduct a war on a noun? Wars are fought against countries, religions, and peoples. They are not fought against nouns or problems, and any time it has been attempted -- the 'war on drugs,' the 'war on poverty' -- it fails." - Dude, Where's My Country?, pg 96
"Look, I don't know how to put it any gentler than to say that these bastards who run our country are a bunch of conniving, thieving, smug pricks who need to be brought down and removed and replaced with a whole new system that we control. That is what democracy is supposed to be about -- we, the people, in fucking charge. What happened to us? Perhaps we were never were really in charge and those words just sounded good at Independence Hall on that sweltering day in 1776. Maybe if the Founding Fathers had air conditioning and a corporate jet they never would have written such a foolish thing. But they did, and that's what we're left to work with." - Dude, Where's My Country?, ppg 148-9
"But Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines the word liberal this way: 'Not narrow or contracted in mind; not selfish' and 'not bound by orthodox tenets or established forms in political or religious philosophy; independent in opinion; not conservative; friendly to great freedom in the institution or administration of government....' Liberal is also defined as generous, 'and implies largeness of spirit in giving, judging, acting, etc.'
And that is exactly how the majority of Americans think, act, and behave these days. Though they won't use the word itself, they are the living, breathing definition of liberal in their everyday words and deeds. Just as most independent, free-thinking women rarely use the word 'feminist' anymore; their actions speak louder than their lack of a lable, and feminist is exactly what they are.
So let's not get hung up on the terms. Most Americans don't approach the world with labels, but with common sense." - Dude, Where's My Country?, pg 179
there's also followup stuff on his website -
Run Oprah Run! - yup, Mike, i agree - it's time for a black woman to be president - and who doesn't love oprah? no money issues there, she's got plenty of her own. and we know she's good at saying what she thinks.
Send your receipts to Ashcroft - the so called USA PATRIOT Act means the damned bastard's spying on us enough as it is, let's just cut out the middleman and send him our receipts from book purchases so he can decide whether or not we're too subversive for his liking.
Also on that page are some rather humorous/scary form letters you can send to John - for instance:
Dear Attorney General Ashcroft:
Thought I'd do my part and let you know that I've switched internet service providers (AOL really sucks) and now I'm with (insert name). My new password is (insert). Some of the websites I've been visiting recently are (insert).
Helpfully yours,
Your Name here
they're humorous because you read em and say "there's no way he'd do something like that, invading our privacy in such a way!" and scary because you read em and say "hell yes, he'd do something like that!"
oh dear...Amazon, ya have it all wrong...
so...i'm a poor chick that likes to read - i'm a member of QPB's book club, and they have some very interesting books...so, i have this tendency to go through their catalog and then check out those books from the library...
it was in this way that i had stumbled across Skin Flutes and Velvet Gloves: A Collection of Facts and Fancies, Legends and Oddities About the Body's Private Parts - a very interesting read. interesting enough that when i saw it available on amazon from a 3rd party seller, i bought two copies - one for myself, one for my friend greg - he really likes penises and stuff. *8-)
so anyhoo....i just logged in at amazon, and now they're recommending me all these books about penises! eeeeeek! thanks for thinking of me, Amazon, but i think A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis is gonna be pretty far down on my list of books to purchase. read it? perhaps...checking the database, i see that the Indianapolis Marion County Public Library system has 6 copies of it...but even if it's free, it's still pretty far down on the list of books to read...
it was in this way that i had stumbled across Skin Flutes and Velvet Gloves: A Collection of Facts and Fancies, Legends and Oddities About the Body's Private Parts - a very interesting read. interesting enough that when i saw it available on amazon from a 3rd party seller, i bought two copies - one for myself, one for my friend greg - he really likes penises and stuff. *8-)
so anyhoo....i just logged in at amazon, and now they're recommending me all these books about penises! eeeeeek! thanks for thinking of me, Amazon, but i think A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis is gonna be pretty far down on my list of books to purchase. read it? perhaps...checking the database, i see that the Indianapolis Marion County Public Library system has 6 copies of it...but even if it's free, it's still pretty far down on the list of books to read...
Will the Pez Lez overtake the Pillsbury Dough Dyke?
yesterday i was out shopping and got a Wonder Woman Pez dispenser - whoo hoo! now i just gotta find the Lesbo Cop and then i'll have all three that i put on the Pez Lez shirt: Peppermint Patty, Wonder Woman and Lesbo Cop (er, i guess her official Pez title is Emergency Heroes: Policewoman, but we all know...lift up that little plastic head, and you can tell she's a dyke through and through!)
hrmm, will this be a smaller, more portable addiction than my pillsbury doughboy collection? i've been pondering selling stuff off from it...*shrug* i just dunno what to do...part of me says to hold off til the economy gets better and people have more cash to spend on frivolous crap like this, another part of me says - hey, i need the money NOW...
hrmm, will this be a smaller, more portable addiction than my pillsbury doughboy collection? i've been pondering selling stuff off from it...*shrug* i just dunno what to do...part of me says to hold off til the economy gets better and people have more cash to spend on frivolous crap like this, another part of me says - hey, i need the money NOW...
tres strange...
getting ready for the afternoon appointment with the therapist, printing up my blog (not this one, the one you don't know about *8-P) and peeked in to see what i was blogging about a year ago - kinda weird, the stuff i was pissing and moaning about in therapy a year ago is the same stuff i'm pissing and moaning about now...
Monday, November 10, 2003
encouraging me to be evil...
steph mentioned in her blog that i should check out the Church Sign Generator - cute, but doing it in person is much more fulfilling. *8-)
Saturday, November 08, 2003
Salon's got the script for the Reagan movie that CBS is censoring...
so i guess since we won't be able to see what was originally supposed to be onscreen (who knows how much editing Showtime will do, now that it's got the rights to it - hopefully they'll take the high road and show what CBS was too chickenshit to show) you can read the script in a 213 page PDF.
random, babbling, free association type post...
nothing in particular to report, but i feel like blogging, so....
amazing how you can take a car in for service, tell em you just need a coolant flush, then they offer ya a free safety inspection to let ya know what else might be going on with yer car...they found $1800 worth of stuff that will need repaired on it at some point in the next year or so - my brakes should last through the winter, the clutch has a year left on it, and so on and so forth...
meanwhile, mom got out of her lease three months early and is picking up her new car tomorrow...a 2004 saturn ion coupe - my mom, got a coupe! granted, it's still four doors, but she typically doesn't go for the sporty type of car, she's more of a sedan gal.
what i thought might be a VNS problem just turns out to be an extended case of laryngitis - been going on for more than a week now - now my throat's sore, but i'm not sure if it's cuz i'm sick or because when people want to hear me, i have to scream to make anything come out.
amazing how you can take a car in for service, tell em you just need a coolant flush, then they offer ya a free safety inspection to let ya know what else might be going on with yer car...they found $1800 worth of stuff that will need repaired on it at some point in the next year or so - my brakes should last through the winter, the clutch has a year left on it, and so on and so forth...
meanwhile, mom got out of her lease three months early and is picking up her new car tomorrow...a 2004 saturn ion coupe - my mom, got a coupe! granted, it's still four doors, but she typically doesn't go for the sporty type of car, she's more of a sedan gal.
what i thought might be a VNS problem just turns out to be an extended case of laryngitis - been going on for more than a week now - now my throat's sore, but i'm not sure if it's cuz i'm sick or because when people want to hear me, i have to scream to make anything come out.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
one advantage to Xmas merchandise already being sold in the stores...
...is that i've been reminded early enough this year that i'd like to make Christmas Crackers - question is, do i wanna try making them from scratch, or buy a ready to make kit that comes with most of the stuff, but ya can add more personal prizes to them?
a few links i've found thus far:
http://www.oldenglishcrackers.com/cracker-gift.htm - fill yer own
http://www.absolutelycrackers.com/home.html - fill your own or pre-filled
http://www.imagitek.com/xmas/crafts/cracker.html - a from scratch recipe
http://www.christmas-crackers-usa.com/ - all of the above
a few links i've found thus far:
http://www.oldenglishcrackers.com/cracker-gift.htm - fill yer own
http://www.absolutelycrackers.com/home.html - fill your own or pre-filled
http://www.imagitek.com/xmas/crafts/cracker.html - a from scratch recipe
http://www.christmas-crackers-usa.com/ - all of the above
Monday, November 03, 2003
go google yerself...
heh heh heh - title refers to this thread on fark: Ego surfing - search google for your own name. Any strange people with your name out there?
well, i KNOW my current name will bring up a bazillion hits as just a first and middle name, so i doubt i'll even try it...
i just had to try it - a bazillion equals 6200, apparently...still, i doubt many (if any) of em have Beth as a last name...currently, this blog comes up as google hit number 71 for "Lori Beth"...and of course there are 2489 hits for tv listings of "Happy Days", in which Richie Cunningham's girlfriend makes an appearance...
googling myself under my previous last name brought up about 15 hits, one of which was my own, from 1992 - an entry in the Queer Resources Directory, when I compiled a list of queer musicians for my lesbigay radio show at Earlham, "Think Pink!"...ya know, i didn't even know the QRD was still around...
a little step back in time, thanks to google - back in 1992 i was on the internet, a sophomore in college, and hosting my very own queer radio show...good times...
well, i KNOW my current name will bring up a bazillion hits as just a first and middle name, so i doubt i'll even try it...
i just had to try it - a bazillion equals 6200, apparently...still, i doubt many (if any) of em have Beth as a last name...currently, this blog comes up as google hit number 71 for "Lori Beth"...and of course there are 2489 hits for tv listings of "Happy Days", in which Richie Cunningham's girlfriend makes an appearance...
googling myself under my previous last name brought up about 15 hits, one of which was my own, from 1992 - an entry in the Queer Resources Directory, when I compiled a list of queer musicians for my lesbigay radio show at Earlham, "Think Pink!"...ya know, i didn't even know the QRD was still around...
a little step back in time, thanks to google - back in 1992 i was on the internet, a sophomore in college, and hosting my very own queer radio show...good times...
Sunday, November 02, 2003
VNS update - or is it?
something weird's going on, but i'm not sure if it's VNS related. a few days ago i noticed my voice getting hoarse. it's gotten worse and worse. sounds like it has previously when i've used the magnet and gotten a stronger pulse than the constant setting. what the hell?!? i tried using the magnet a couple of times, and afterwards, it seems like my voice is actually getting better, but it only lasts a short while. huh?!?
i really wish we hadn't had that inital problem with the settings - now i'm constantly wondering if everything's cool with the twenty grand worth of hardware lodged in my chest and neck....
gonna see if it continues through thursday, when i've got my appointment with the internal medicine doc (yeah, the doc that told me to wait 5 weeks to see her when i called with a sore throat, cough, and variety of other crap going on)...
my hunch that it's VNS related is based solely on the fact that i'm not exhibiting any other symptoms - no sore throat or congestion, it's not like i've got a cold or anything. kind of annoying, being at david & garrett's party where i didn't know a whole lot of people and having to repeat myself over and over and over, because people couldn't understand what the hell i was saying.
i really wish we hadn't had that inital problem with the settings - now i'm constantly wondering if everything's cool with the twenty grand worth of hardware lodged in my chest and neck....
gonna see if it continues through thursday, when i've got my appointment with the internal medicine doc (yeah, the doc that told me to wait 5 weeks to see her when i called with a sore throat, cough, and variety of other crap going on)...
my hunch that it's VNS related is based solely on the fact that i'm not exhibiting any other symptoms - no sore throat or congestion, it's not like i've got a cold or anything. kind of annoying, being at david & garrett's party where i didn't know a whole lot of people and having to repeat myself over and over and over, because people couldn't understand what the hell i was saying.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
halloween was cool...
finally got that urge to go out and be social, so i went to garrett & david's party - kinda stupid, putting together a costume 3 hours before the halloween party starts! but oh well, it turned out, some people really liked it...i was:
yup, the pez lez - big dyke lori made a t-shirt with the logo and handed out pez dispensers. *8-) heh heh heh, if only halloween was back in march, when i really LOOKED like a human pez dispenser after my VNS surgery....
speaking of, i need to post a VNS update soon...and get the damned website up and running!!
so anyhoo, the party was fun (doug and dan made a great gilligan and skipper combo) and afterwards a bunch of the party group decided to head to talbott street...by the time i got there and searched for a parking spot, i decided i was too tired (i think the mulled cider w/brandy was really kicking in), and just headed home...all in all a much better halloween than i had originally planned....
yup, the pez lez - big dyke lori made a t-shirt with the logo and handed out pez dispensers. *8-) heh heh heh, if only halloween was back in march, when i really LOOKED like a human pez dispenser after my VNS surgery....
speaking of, i need to post a VNS update soon...and get the damned website up and running!!
so anyhoo, the party was fun (doug and dan made a great gilligan and skipper combo) and afterwards a bunch of the party group decided to head to talbott street...by the time i got there and searched for a parking spot, i decided i was too tired (i think the mulled cider w/brandy was really kicking in), and just headed home...all in all a much better halloween than i had originally planned....
Friday, October 31, 2003
haven't been blogging much lately...
...cuz most of what i've got to say isn't all that nice, and i wouldn't want my words to appear on the monitors of certain people...not overly paranoid, i don't think - i know how words can come back to haunt ya.
not sure what to do for halloween - gotten a few invites, but i'm not feeling all that social. actually, i'm in an organizing sort of mood - get my bills in order, sort through some of the crap i've accumulated and put it up for sale on ebay, clean out my email box, those sorts of things. guess i'm wanting to do things that i actually have some control over, unlike the things that are stressing me out in a major ass way.
not sure what to do for halloween - gotten a few invites, but i'm not feeling all that social. actually, i'm in an organizing sort of mood - get my bills in order, sort through some of the crap i've accumulated and put it up for sale on ebay, clean out my email box, those sorts of things. guess i'm wanting to do things that i actually have some control over, unlike the things that are stressing me out in a major ass way.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
painfully true lyric of the moment...
"...it's a hard road when you know where you're going
and it's harder when you know where you're not..."
- "the best man's fall", trashcan sinatras
and it's harder when you know where you're not..."
- "the best man's fall", trashcan sinatras
haven't done this in a long time...
i actually went out and bought a new CD today...actually, a CD/DVD set - the limited edition of Everything to Everyone by Barenaked Ladies...
so i'm listening to it here at work...first impression? makes me wanna go out to the car and get Maybe You Should Drive, my favorite BNL disc - but then again, when i first heard Maybe..., i didn't like it at all, now i like it even more than Gordon, which i thought could never be topped...
pretty sad that the number of CDs i've bought this year could probably be counted on both hands, if not just one - and it's not got a damned thing to do with Kazaa - there just hasn't been anything out there calling my name. got annie lennox's latest, but that didn't do much for me - i've just been sticking with the old faves...lately it's been Home Is In Your Head by His Name Is Alive, Walking Wounded by Everything But The Girl and a few mixes i've made...
BNL will be at the Murat on November 2 - a Sunday...question is, will that still be a work night for me?
so i'm listening to it here at work...first impression? makes me wanna go out to the car and get Maybe You Should Drive, my favorite BNL disc - but then again, when i first heard Maybe..., i didn't like it at all, now i like it even more than Gordon, which i thought could never be topped...
pretty sad that the number of CDs i've bought this year could probably be counted on both hands, if not just one - and it's not got a damned thing to do with Kazaa - there just hasn't been anything out there calling my name. got annie lennox's latest, but that didn't do much for me - i've just been sticking with the old faves...lately it's been Home Is In Your Head by His Name Is Alive, Walking Wounded by Everything But The Girl and a few mixes i've made...
BNL will be at the Murat on November 2 - a Sunday...question is, will that still be a work night for me?
Monday, October 20, 2003
what was she thinking?
i went to see the shrink last week...while in the waiting room, a woman walked in - bleeding from her wrist - asking to talk to her doctor...i sat there, speechless...all i could think was "what was she thinking when she did that? what makes a person feel THAT bad to sit there and cut yourself open like that?"
after the past two days, i think i can relate. i know slashing your wrists isn't a serious attempt at suicide, it's a cry for help, but dammit, i'm so frustrated right now, doing something to move the pain from psychological to physical almost sounds normal.
after the past two days, i think i can relate. i know slashing your wrists isn't a serious attempt at suicide, it's a cry for help, but dammit, i'm so frustrated right now, doing something to move the pain from psychological to physical almost sounds normal.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Drinking Games...
from slappyjack.com and slappyjack.com:
Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, The Drinking Game.
THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS:
Drink SIX if you're watching an episode of Q.E.F.T.S.G. on NBC, because they reedit all the best shit out of it.
Drink if someone says "Oooo, he's a hottie" during the opening briefing.
Drink if the Straight Guy looks like he hasn't shaved in a week.
Imbibe also if the Straight Guy has hair like a wookie at the beginning of the episode.
If the Straight Guy ever survives an episode with his long hair, FINISH YOUR DRINK, POUR ANOTHER, AND SLAM THAT TOO.
Drink if the Straight Guy's Mother is present.
Drink if the Guy's New York apartment is the size of a shoebox.
Drink when they do one of them cool freeze-to-gray-highlighted-text-with-colored-bar focus on one of the episode's tips.
Drink every time one of the cast members touches the Straight Guy's underwear
Do it twice if it's Thom
...and then again if it's followed buy a comment about skidmarks or bodily fluids.
Drink YET AGAIN if the Straight Guy is there saying "Dude, you're not going to put that on TV are you?"
Drink if they make it through the wardrobe-ripping without finding at least one sports jersey (or a sweater, if the Guy is a hockey fan)
When the Straight Guy is shown explaining, "THey're a sports team, you know... sports?" Please drink.
Sip your drink when one of the Fab Five are shown eating the Straight Guy's food
Drink whenever Thom says somehting bad about the Straight Guy's apartment.
Whenever Thom is struck speechless about the current pigsty the Straight Guy lives in, please drink.
Drink again if this is when they use this scene to cut to the "THOM" title
Drink if they show Jai helping Thom clean and organize the apartment.
Drink if the Guy is so hairy and they wax him somewhere.
Drink if they accidentally show Thom wearing socks.
Drink whenever the Guy's girlfriend is hotter than that Guy has any business being with.
Conversely, drink whenever the Guy's is hotter than the girlfriend any business being with.
(Yes, it's shallow, but for Christ's sake this is a MAKEOVE SHOW. And for thinking that, drink again.)
Drink if Ted comments on the cheese found in the fridge.
Do it twice if it is "american cheese".
Drink the drink if the contents of the 'fridge are 50% condiments.
When Carson touches the Guy's crotch, you should be taking a drink.
Drink again when he makes an overtly sexual comment.
Drink for each of the the Guy's friends and that are just plain hard to look at.
(During that part when, you know, they show them all commenting on the Straight Guy.)
Drink when they show the Straight Guy Fake Tanning.
Drink if they let the Guy actually keep his facial hair,
Drink if they take the Straight Guy out for a meal.
Drink anytime it's not just Ted buying food with the Straight Guy
Drink every time someone watching the show sees the Straight Guy in a new outfit and says "That's just too gay for him."
Drink Whanever they show all the cast out shopping except Thom, because he's at the apartment working his ass off.
Drink When they show the apartment after Thom worked his magic on it and someone in the viewing group says, "OOOH!"
Thom just do a product placement for Pier One? Yes, drink.
If Kirsty Alley gets mentioned, drink again.
Drink if the Straight Guy cries because he's so touched.
Drink if the Straight Guy cries out because he's touched so innapropriately. - from: Gabe
Drink Whenever someone yells "CHEERS, QUEERS!"
Drink three if the Straight Guy ever says it.
By this time, someone in your viewing group has probably hummed or otherwise sang the Queer Eye Dance Party Theme Song. Whoever did it should definately be taking a drink.
When they show the FabCave for the first time, drink to show your respect.
For every Fab Five cocktail that isn't in a martini glass, take a sip for yourself.
If your cocktail is in a martini glass, take another sip.
Drink if they comment negatively about the Guy's girlfriend.
If they shamelessly plug Disaronno as a fine apertif with dinner for that special lady: Drink, drink and be happy youre not drinking Disaronno.
Fuckit, whenever they show that goddamn Disaronno commercial - You know, the one with that woman thats shaped like a PEZ Dispenser (grossly skinny body, topped by a big big meatless head with extremely pulled back hair) sucking on the ice cube with her big ugly lips?
Drink again, and be happy youre not drinking Disaronno.
Drink when the camera crew works in a little shot of the Straight Guy's ass.
Drink whenever the Fab Five say "He looks Hot!"
Drink any time someone in the FabCave hugs someone else at the Couch.
Drink when they make fun of the straight people.
Drink when you make fun of the straight people.
Drink every time Cyan bitches about the way the Guy shaves
...and every time one of them mentions "Straight Guy Speed Shaving"
Dear Fab Five,
WHAT THE FUCK? How slow do YOU shave?
Is there a mimimum time you should take shaving?
Is it like brushing your teeth, which you should do for three minutes?
Please tell us. I don't want to be shaving wrong for the rest of my life!
- SJ
Drink any one of them say, "Thats NOT what I told him to do!"
Drink everything the Fab Five in unison scream "NOOOO!"
Drink TWICE if the camera crew has to cut away from the Straight Guy's night out suddenly/quickly because the loving couple obviously went straight to doing some serious scrumping.
Drink anytime the cast does something so gay that a gay guy in your viewing group says, "Ooh, that was really gay."
ADDED/SUGGESTED BY READERS!
Drink whenever any of the fab five use the buzzwords hip, trendy, edgy, or vintage.
- from: Nick
[i know. i'm pissed i didn't think of it, either]
Drink whenever Carson teaches the Straight Guy to say "coture", or how to say a designer's name.
- from: Spumanti
[actually, Drink whenever they teach the Guy to say ANYTHING]
Drink for everytime Carson says "Jujj" or "Jujjing"
- from: Cassie & Amie
[Note: This is the first, and probably only, time I get to take care of the requests ot two women simultaneously]
If one of the Fab Five says, "Ooohhh, she SO wants to sleep with him" about some hottie who's now keen on the Straight Guy, due to incredible whirlwind makeover - Drink.
- from: Lynn
Drink when one of the Fab Five has to go on how pricey something is (e.g - That was $200 worth of Foie Gras!)
- from: Frank
Take a sip when any one of the Fab Five take part in blatant product placement not mentioned above (e.g. - "Your bedroom is Benjamine Moore Baltic Blue")
- from: Frank [again! you go, girl!]
and then there's
American Chopper, The Drinking Game.
THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS:
When someone days "Awesome," drink.
When someone says "incredible," drink.
In the unlikely event somone on the show should have the word "FAAAAAABulous" come out of their mouths, EVERYONE finishes their drink immediately.
When Big Paul calls Paul Junior "stupid," drink.
If Paul Junior comes back with "You're Crazy," drink again.
Drink whenever Mikey is shown.
Drink two if Mikey does something stupid.
Drink Three if Paul Sr. OR Junior hits Mikey in any way.
Drink when Big Paul is shown riding his chopper in a "pensive mood."
Drink two if he is doing a philosophical vioceover during the shot.
Drink three whenever Big Paul is shown slumming it by riding his Harley Davidson.
Drink four if he's riding his HD and talking about how relaxing it is.
On road trip, drink every time ANYONE mentions:
how nice it is to get away.
how hard it is to be on the road.
how the trip is a great way to catch up on sleep.
When Cody is shown working on a bike, drink.
Drink Two when Big Paul gives Cody a fatherly hug or advice.
Drink Two Paul Jr. acknowledges Cody's existence.
If a fireman is shown with the "Fire bike", drink.
If he's got the Dalmatian with him, drink two.
If there is ALSO an actual fire truck shown in the background, finish your drink.
Whenever Paul Jr. yells as Big Paul about how he never does any work. Drink.
When Big Paul comes back with something about "I could come out of retirement and work circles around you," drink yet again.
Drink everytime an object gets thrown.
Drink whenever someone slams a door.
Drink Three if the person slamming the door is Vinnie.
Drink when Paul Jr. Test rides a new chopper.
Drink two if the voiceover is Paul Jr. talking about how special the bike is.
Dink whenever someone punches that punchy-dummy thingie.
Drink if someone gets a new tattoo.
If Mikey ever gets his motorcycle license in an episode, drink it down! Drink the whole thing! w00t for Mikey!
ADDED/SUGGESTED BY READERS!
Drink whenever Paul Jr. says "sick".
- from: Closet Chopper Dude
You should take a drink anytime Mike, Paul Jr., Paul Sr., or Vinny says, "But I gotta be honest with you."
- from: Brian
Drink anytime anyone uses the word "fabricate."
- from: Matt
I originally had some reservations about this one.
With it, you'll probably not be sober enough to finish watching the show.
Drink everytime someone says, "I gatta tell ya"
- from: Deanna
Drink whenever Paul Sr. invokes how big his feet are.
- from a suggestion by Kevin Harley
Drink two if Paul Sr. invoked his feet by not only saying they are big, but their exact size. (Size 12).
- from a suggestion by Kevin Harley
Drink whenever Paul Sr. Threatens to start kicking some butt
- from a suggestion by Kevin Harley
Kev originally wanted you to Drink three whenever Paul Sr says, "I'm gonna take my Size 12s and kick some Butt!!"
I judged this as a RULE COMBO, and split it into three separate rules
Slam-Dunk for Kevin! If I had any money, I'd send him a SlappyJack.com t-shirt.
Drink once everytime Paul Sr. says, IDEAR - from: Chad
Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, The Drinking Game.
THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS:
Drink SIX if you're watching an episode of Q.E.F.T.S.G. on NBC, because they reedit all the best shit out of it.
Drink if someone says "Oooo, he's a hottie" during the opening briefing.
Drink if the Straight Guy looks like he hasn't shaved in a week.
Imbibe also if the Straight Guy has hair like a wookie at the beginning of the episode.
If the Straight Guy ever survives an episode with his long hair, FINISH YOUR DRINK, POUR ANOTHER, AND SLAM THAT TOO.
Drink if the Straight Guy's Mother is present.
Drink if the Guy's New York apartment is the size of a shoebox.
Drink when they do one of them cool freeze-to-gray-highlighted-text-with-colored-bar focus on one of the episode's tips.
Drink every time one of the cast members touches the Straight Guy's underwear
Do it twice if it's Thom
...and then again if it's followed buy a comment about skidmarks or bodily fluids.
Drink YET AGAIN if the Straight Guy is there saying "Dude, you're not going to put that on TV are you?"
Drink if they make it through the wardrobe-ripping without finding at least one sports jersey (or a sweater, if the Guy is a hockey fan)
When the Straight Guy is shown explaining, "THey're a sports team, you know... sports?" Please drink.
Sip your drink when one of the Fab Five are shown eating the Straight Guy's food
Drink whenever Thom says somehting bad about the Straight Guy's apartment.
Whenever Thom is struck speechless about the current pigsty the Straight Guy lives in, please drink.
Drink again if this is when they use this scene to cut to the "THOM" title
Drink if they show Jai helping Thom clean and organize the apartment.
Drink if the Guy is so hairy and they wax him somewhere.
Drink if they accidentally show Thom wearing socks.
Drink whenever the Guy's girlfriend is hotter than that Guy has any business being with.
Conversely, drink whenever the Guy's is hotter than the girlfriend any business being with.
(Yes, it's shallow, but for Christ's sake this is a MAKEOVE SHOW. And for thinking that, drink again.)
Drink if Ted comments on the cheese found in the fridge.
Do it twice if it is "american cheese".
Drink the drink if the contents of the 'fridge are 50% condiments.
When Carson touches the Guy's crotch, you should be taking a drink.
Drink again when he makes an overtly sexual comment.
Drink for each of the the Guy's friends and that are just plain hard to look at.
(During that part when, you know, they show them all commenting on the Straight Guy.)
Drink when they show the Straight Guy Fake Tanning.
Drink if they let the Guy actually keep his facial hair,
Drink if they take the Straight Guy out for a meal.
Drink anytime it's not just Ted buying food with the Straight Guy
Drink every time someone watching the show sees the Straight Guy in a new outfit and says "That's just too gay for him."
Drink Whanever they show all the cast out shopping except Thom, because he's at the apartment working his ass off.
Drink When they show the apartment after Thom worked his magic on it and someone in the viewing group says, "OOOH!"
Thom just do a product placement for Pier One? Yes, drink.
If Kirsty Alley gets mentioned, drink again.
Drink if the Straight Guy cries because he's so touched.
Drink if the Straight Guy cries out because he's touched so innapropriately. - from: Gabe
Drink Whenever someone yells "CHEERS, QUEERS!"
Drink three if the Straight Guy ever says it.
By this time, someone in your viewing group has probably hummed or otherwise sang the Queer Eye Dance Party Theme Song. Whoever did it should definately be taking a drink.
When they show the FabCave for the first time, drink to show your respect.
For every Fab Five cocktail that isn't in a martini glass, take a sip for yourself.
If your cocktail is in a martini glass, take another sip.
Drink if they comment negatively about the Guy's girlfriend.
If they shamelessly plug Disaronno as a fine apertif with dinner for that special lady: Drink, drink and be happy youre not drinking Disaronno.
Fuckit, whenever they show that goddamn Disaronno commercial - You know, the one with that woman thats shaped like a PEZ Dispenser (grossly skinny body, topped by a big big meatless head with extremely pulled back hair) sucking on the ice cube with her big ugly lips?
Drink again, and be happy youre not drinking Disaronno.
Drink when the camera crew works in a little shot of the Straight Guy's ass.
Drink whenever the Fab Five say "He looks Hot!"
Drink any time someone in the FabCave hugs someone else at the Couch.
Drink when they make fun of the straight people.
Drink when you make fun of the straight people.
Drink every time Cyan bitches about the way the Guy shaves
...and every time one of them mentions "Straight Guy Speed Shaving"
Dear Fab Five,
WHAT THE FUCK? How slow do YOU shave?
Is there a mimimum time you should take shaving?
Is it like brushing your teeth, which you should do for three minutes?
Please tell us. I don't want to be shaving wrong for the rest of my life!
- SJ
Drink any one of them say, "Thats NOT what I told him to do!"
Drink everything the Fab Five in unison scream "NOOOO!"
Drink TWICE if the camera crew has to cut away from the Straight Guy's night out suddenly/quickly because the loving couple obviously went straight to doing some serious scrumping.
Drink anytime the cast does something so gay that a gay guy in your viewing group says, "Ooh, that was really gay."
ADDED/SUGGESTED BY READERS!
Drink whenever any of the fab five use the buzzwords hip, trendy, edgy, or vintage.
- from: Nick
[i know. i'm pissed i didn't think of it, either]
Drink whenever Carson teaches the Straight Guy to say "coture", or how to say a designer's name.
- from: Spumanti
[actually, Drink whenever they teach the Guy to say ANYTHING]
Drink for everytime Carson says "Jujj" or "Jujjing"
- from: Cassie & Amie
[Note: This is the first, and probably only, time I get to take care of the requests ot two women simultaneously]
If one of the Fab Five says, "Ooohhh, she SO wants to sleep with him" about some hottie who's now keen on the Straight Guy, due to incredible whirlwind makeover - Drink.
- from: Lynn
Drink when one of the Fab Five has to go on how pricey something is (e.g - That was $200 worth of Foie Gras!)
- from: Frank
Take a sip when any one of the Fab Five take part in blatant product placement not mentioned above (e.g. - "Your bedroom is Benjamine Moore Baltic Blue")
- from: Frank [again! you go, girl!]
and then there's
American Chopper, The Drinking Game.
THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS:
When someone days "Awesome," drink.
When someone says "incredible," drink.
In the unlikely event somone on the show should have the word "FAAAAAABulous" come out of their mouths, EVERYONE finishes their drink immediately.
When Big Paul calls Paul Junior "stupid," drink.
If Paul Junior comes back with "You're Crazy," drink again.
Drink whenever Mikey is shown.
Drink two if Mikey does something stupid.
Drink Three if Paul Sr. OR Junior hits Mikey in any way.
Drink when Big Paul is shown riding his chopper in a "pensive mood."
Drink two if he is doing a philosophical vioceover during the shot.
Drink three whenever Big Paul is shown slumming it by riding his Harley Davidson.
Drink four if he's riding his HD and talking about how relaxing it is.
On road trip, drink every time ANYONE mentions:
how nice it is to get away.
how hard it is to be on the road.
how the trip is a great way to catch up on sleep.
When Cody is shown working on a bike, drink.
Drink Two when Big Paul gives Cody a fatherly hug or advice.
Drink Two Paul Jr. acknowledges Cody's existence.
If a fireman is shown with the "Fire bike", drink.
If he's got the Dalmatian with him, drink two.
If there is ALSO an actual fire truck shown in the background, finish your drink.
Whenever Paul Jr. yells as Big Paul about how he never does any work. Drink.
When Big Paul comes back with something about "I could come out of retirement and work circles around you," drink yet again.
Drink everytime an object gets thrown.
Drink whenever someone slams a door.
Drink Three if the person slamming the door is Vinnie.
Drink when Paul Jr. Test rides a new chopper.
Drink two if the voiceover is Paul Jr. talking about how special the bike is.
Dink whenever someone punches that punchy-dummy thingie.
Drink if someone gets a new tattoo.
If Mikey ever gets his motorcycle license in an episode, drink it down! Drink the whole thing! w00t for Mikey!
ADDED/SUGGESTED BY READERS!
Drink whenever Paul Jr. says "sick".
- from: Closet Chopper Dude
You should take a drink anytime Mike, Paul Jr., Paul Sr., or Vinny says, "But I gotta be honest with you."
- from: Brian
Drink anytime anyone uses the word "fabricate."
- from: Matt
I originally had some reservations about this one.
With it, you'll probably not be sober enough to finish watching the show.
Drink everytime someone says, "I gatta tell ya"
- from: Deanna
Drink whenever Paul Sr. invokes how big his feet are.
- from a suggestion by Kevin Harley
Drink two if Paul Sr. invoked his feet by not only saying they are big, but their exact size. (Size 12).
- from a suggestion by Kevin Harley
Drink whenever Paul Sr. Threatens to start kicking some butt
- from a suggestion by Kevin Harley
Kev originally wanted you to Drink three whenever Paul Sr says, "I'm gonna take my Size 12s and kick some Butt!!"
I judged this as a RULE COMBO, and split it into three separate rules
Slam-Dunk for Kevin! If I had any money, I'd send him a SlappyJack.com t-shirt.
Drink once everytime Paul Sr. says, IDEAR - from: Chad
Monday, October 13, 2003
yes yes yes!!!!!!
slightly late announcement, as we approach the middle of the month, but i just found out...
October is National Orgasm Month!
yes!!!!
as declared by Erotic University - "National Orgasm Month...takes place in October because, "it's the only month that starts with an 'O'"."
October is National Orgasm Month!
yes!!!!
as declared by Erotic University - "National Orgasm Month...takes place in October because, "it's the only month that starts with an 'O'"."
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