just woke up...scared to turn on the TV - what's happened now? it's just such a mind-numbing situation - there aren't adequate words to express the confusion, the fear, the sadness...

one of the images on the tv that really blew me away was of the American flag - flying upside down. and it's completely appropriate, we are in a state of dire distress. *8-(

what a surreal day...9/11/01 - the bombing of the world trade center buildings and the pentagon...*sigh* why? it's so senseless. international terrorism? things are pointing that way, but that's also what they said when mcveigh bombed oklahoma...there've been lots of comparisons to pearl harbor, but that was a MILITARY action - these people killed tuesday were innocents, not a thing to do with whatever conflict the enemy - whoever that is - has with the united states government...weird watching the news - they report something, then retract it a few minutes later...it's so fucking confusing. bush says the terrorists and whoever harbors them will pay - what if it's US that's been harboring them? is it osama bin laden? deep down, that's my suspicion. right now they're saying the hijackers didn't have guns, they just used ceramic knives and shaving kits to threaten people on the plane - can this really be?!? how is this going to change our system of national security? it's all just such a confusing, painful experience.

*yawn* i'm tired, and of course this fucking night is going S L O W E R than mole asses. in trying to make my sleep schedule more consistent, i seem to have fucked it up even more...slept too much friday, then not enough yesterday and today...so now i'm tired and i'll go home and sleep, only to fuck up my schedule even more. grrr...

paige had a soccer game today - 'lil #22 didn't score any goals, but her team did win 1-0...karen, the ex-stepmonster, irked the shit out of me. practically all she said the whole time was "sit down and shut up, matt"...yeah, he was a bit annoying at first, giving play by play of whatever it was he was playing on his game boy, but later on he was just standing up talking to me and adam, not being obnoxious or anything. i don't know what she's got stuck up her ass, but damn!

so pooky and i did lunch at the abbey before going to the game...i also got a copy of his latest disc, it's pretty cool...he's a good brother.

well, i've been somewhat productive this weekend...the oil is changed, the hair is cut, the apartment is half cleaned...

pooky and i are going to paige's soccer game tomorrow - perhaps i can arrange a time with the stepmonster to have the kids for my b-day...i think pooky was a bit freaked to realize he's about to have a 29 year old sister...

got thelma & louise on dvd for ten bucks at wal-mart today...what a kick-ass movie...

cleaning the apartment is such a pain in the ass...i'm such the pack rat - all this shit, crammed into the closets and every nook and cranny...JUST IN CASE i might need it someday...yeah right...maybe i can use this donation drive for the Julian center to my advantage and get rid of a ton of stuff...

whoo hoo, another work week bites the dust...i'm gonna TRY to be productive this weekend...lots of shit to do - clean the apartment, get the oil changed in my car, get my hair cut (pondering doing the blond thing again, too)...

on tuesday, kim said i was starting to seem a bit like my old self...until i got stuck with that fucking hubler dodge ad - neal went on to other stuff and left me stuck with it, i was soooooooooo pissed...kim told me she was making a note of it for when raise time comes...good, even with only using half my brain i'm way ahead of mr. weedhead. he definitely made #1 on my shit list this week.

at one point during work, i was boasting about how wonderful i am and kim said she wished i really believed that - maybe then i'd get a girlfriend. yeah, a little self-confidence and those chicks will be all over me.

whoo hoo...happy labor day!...ya know, with my work schedule, holidays are screwed...had to work friday - normally a day off - for 12 hours...but in exchange for that i'm off sunday and monday...so now i just have to work tuesday and wednesday, then it's off for another 3.5 days! of course, i'm sure this is precisely the shit the neuro doc wants me NOT to do...so i'm gonna try to stick to a night shift schedule all week long, even on my days off...i don't think i have a problem switching to a normal human schedule on my days off, but who knows, maybe my brain doesn't agree.

3 weeks 6 days till my final birthday - yup, after 29, i'm not having any more. it's kind of weird to think about it, it seems as though these last few years have zoomed by - it was just yesterday i was in college. er, no - it wasn't yesterday, it was 1994.

paige called tonight...we only got to talk for a few minutes because karen wanted the phone...she says she'd like to get together with me and adam and linda...interesting how she includes linda...i guess it's cool that she's attached to her, since it's not like dear ol' "dad" is around...perhaps we'll get together soon...

talked with kim on friday, because i'm going to have to take 3 days off of work to do the video eeg the neurologist wants - luckily the sleep study can be done on a thursday/friday, so i won't need to take off work for that. i explained to her yet again that i'm really not trying to fuck off, that there's really something wrong going on in my head and i'm doing everything in my powers to get it taken care of. i might have to make a schedule change, but i'm going to try to do what i can without disrupting things at work. i also mentioned to her that i was very upset that this shit was happening right as we're getting ready for annual evaluations and raise time - i was kicking some serious ass at the beginning of the year and it seems as though it's all gone down the toilet. she told me not to worry, she knows i'll be getting a good raise this year. a bit of a relief, but still, i worry. worrying is one thing i'm definitely good at.

just got back from the neurologist - i'm even more scared now, i think. he needs more tests, obviously. said that the amnesia and personality changes sound more like a sleep disorder than being seizure-related...mentioned sleep apnea as a possibility. shit. thanks mom. so i need a bunch of blood tests (B-12 and sodium levels - if they're too low, that can affect my seizure threshold) and he wants a sleep study and a video EEG - i'd have to spend a few days in the hospital for that. he wasn't happy when i told him about my fucked up work schedule and asked if i could change that. i don't know if that's a possibility or not. maybe 4 10 hour days? oh hell, i don't know what this will end up meaning. it's scary as hell though. seems as though i'm getting all the stuff mom has, only 20 years sooner. *sigh*

starting to feel a bit more human after a nice little 3 hour nap - getting to work early sucked. the meeting was with a woman from Primerica to talk to us about financial planning...er, i'd have some finances to plan if the trader would gimme a nice little raise this year...it does make me think about bumping up the contribution to my 401k though...

i almost cracked up in the meeting...so, we got a little overview of the company, then the lady told us what she'd do for us individually, providing a personal financial analysis, blah blah blah...so she says, "when we do your analysis..." but that's not what i heard - not what cheryl heard either, for that matter, cuz i could hear her chuckle behind me...we heard "when we do urinanalysis..." - i instantly thought 'i ain't peeing in a cup for this!'...*8-)

so, glenn was totally wedged up this woman's ass too, and i went off on him - i asked her a question and he started to answer and i glared at him, pointed at him and told him to be quiet, i didn't ask him. think i was speaking for everyone in the room, he was getting on EVERYBODY's nerves...

very unfortunate i didn't hit that powerball last week...

current discussion topic: sick pets...dogs with brain tumors, putting animals to sleep, et al...er, what the hell? is there a full moon out or something? i work with a bunch of weirdos...of course, i fit right in...

amazing the 2am conversation topics we have here at work - tonight: Potted Meat -- apparently clare had some at her desk - people really eat this stuff? i remember dave barry's column of long ago about the stuff - yich! ingredients include: Mechanically Separated Chicken, Beef Tripe, Partially Defatted Cooked Beef Fatty Tissue, Beef Hearts, Water, Partially Defatted Cooked Pork Fatty Tissue, Salt. Less than 2 percent: Mustard, Natural Flavorings, Dried Garlic, Dextrose, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite. i suppose it's good that someone out there's eating this stuff - less going to waste and all, but...can it really be considered food?!?

those 5:42am blahs....*blah*....tired of working, tired of being here, just tired in general...

busy week ahead...we've got some bullshit masturbatory - er, mandatory - meeting wednesday at 4pm - what a crock of shit! hafta come into work 2 hours early for some HR meeting...and with the labor day holiday happening, we're working a 12 hr shift friday, which is normally a day off...yeah, we get sunday and monday off, but it still sucks to have everything turned upside down...

whine, whine, bitch, moan, complain...

weird ass mah jongg night...we belatedly celebrated greg's birthday...he's sick but refuses to see a doc or even take drugs for it...so he's cranky, and dale's cranky cuz greg insists on being cranky, and i was still cranky about the wreck...but we still ate chinese food and played mah jongg...think we all had improved moods by the end of the night...

i skipped lesbo games night last night cuz i was feeling weird - probably for the best, i think i had another seizure...not a bad one, thankfully...i've kept it to myself though - don't want mom worrying about me more than she already does...

well, i've put a dent in the resale value on my car - literally. out shopping for greg's b-day and running errands and it started pouring down rain. the stoplight at southport & madison was out - am i the only person in indy that knows you're supposed to treat that situation as a 4-way stop? so, i managed to get through that intersection and was going along southport rd when the light at shelby turned red. there were 3 or 4 cars at the stop, i put on the brakes, but the road was wet and i just skidded along....*BAM!*...plowed into the back of a guy...i had tried to get into the turn lane, since there was no one there, but steering was for naught. so i just hit the corner of his car....he pulled up and turned on to shelby - at first i thought he was leaving, cuz he was going pretty fast...but he pulled over and got out and looked at his car...just a bit of a scratch on his back bumper - my car was another story. i asked if he wanted me to call the cops...he told me not to worry about it, it was just a $50 car he drove around. *whew!* so at least i don't have to worry about it fucking up my insurance or anything.

the totally weird thing about it? i had dido in the CD player, and was listening to track #9 - "Slide" and she's belting out "don't sliiiiiiiiiide!" when i plowed into the guy...

now i've got a headache and i'm tired and cranky and ARGH!

met with deb last night, to explain to her that i hadn't dropped off the face of the earth and that i still wanted to be involved with switchboard. i'd forgotten about her whole psych background - she was very...what's the word i want?...not touchy-feely, but a bit more understanding and concerned than other people might be...

so, due to lack of volunteers and such, they're cutting back the switchboard from 7 nights a week to fri-sat-sun...i told her that sucked for me cuz thursday was the night i typically did it - it had worked out for me cuz i'd do switchboard thursday, whatever on friday and mah jongg on saturday...she said she also did thursdays...so, we might do thu-fri-sat-sun now...i need to see how the IYG thing goes, if they're gonna schedule me for specific thursdays or what...

doc english told me what i already knew - i need to get my ass to the neurologist...er, my brain, actually...i didn't know, however, that it could be any one of 'em - so i'll reschedule tomorrow and hopefully get in before mid-september...went and had a tegretol level drawn at the lab - doc said she might get the results tomorrow...seems weird i'd have this seizure now, when i've been better lately at taking my meds than at any point previously...*shrug*

i *FINALLY* finished unloading all the groceries from the HUGE trip to K-roger....because we made the requisite purchases during the month prior, we got a 20% discount on all the groceries we bought this trip. so i had all my coupons and rainchecks ready to go...spent $110, saved $298+ - yeah, i got four hundred bucks worth of groceries for a hundred bucks! it was probably closer to five hundred, cuz Amanda the Kroger Cashier Goddess didn't have to scan half the shit i got that was BOGOF on the rainchecks....ahhhh, BOGOF - think that's my favorite acronym...Buy One Get One Free...had so much shit i filled TWO grocery carts...amanda's totally cool - am i a complete freak for having a crush on the cashier? at first my gaydar was saying "DYKE" but she mentioned she recently got married - to a man. damn. maybe she swings both ways...*smirk* i just have to wonder though - she's a hell of a lot nicer to me than any other customers...

so, i got lots of shit that i'll be able to donate to the Julian Center - i set up a donation drive at work...not quite sure what possessed me to do it, not like i'm a battered wife or anything, but hey, it hit some nerve inside me...so i'll be responsible for collecting donations that my co-workers bring in, from food to clothing and baby items...

got "high art" on dvd....had to get it through ebay - it's not available in the US...apparently this one's from Taiwan...wow, now i can turn on the subtitles and brush up on my Chinese...it's such a freakin' awesome movie - i don't know specifically what it is about it that has touched me, but i just really really like this movie...

got to get some sleep....doc appt in the afternoon, then meeting up with debbie tomorrow night to catch up on things...

funny stuff...

the night crew has determined my nationality - i'm Lesbonian. or is it Lesbonian-American? *8-)

this came about because we were talking about the theory that if you're right handed, your right breast is larger than your left, if you're left handed, yer left breast is larger...

so somebody brought up the idea that if they're the same size, they must be artificially enhanced....donna asked how you could tell if boobs were fake and i answered - "they taste different..." well, she just totally freaked when i said that...it was funny as hell...

ya know, we have discussions like this in our department and just this week they reposted the sexual harassment policy on the board - coincidence?