Personality Test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||||| 23% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Empathy |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious |||||||||||| 43% Hedonism |||||||||||||| 56% Materialism |||||||||| 36% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||| 36% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||| 23% Conflict seeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Avoidant |||||||||||| 43% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 76% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||| 36% Food indulgent |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||||||||||||| 56% Vanity || 10% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

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*woof woof*

doggiesitting's going well. i'm thinking it's like having a kid - i rather like hanging out with my cousin's kids and all that, but when it's all said and done, i like not having to take 'em home with me. temporary is the way to go. *8-)

hangin out with a real bitch...

heh heh heh, i'm doggiesitting! adam's got a gig in detroit and codi's gone with him, so i get to hang at his place and watch Madison. saying that i'm watching Jaeger and Stoli would be overstating it - those kitties don't hang with the humans too much - and i don't even know what the fishies names are, i just know to feed em once a day...

Madison likes me so much, she's literally licking my feet. i dunno, basset tongue on the toes is a bit squicky...time to put on some socks...

Guess The Google...

the Codimeister sent me the link to Guess The Google while she shoulda been packing for her trip to Detroit...

around the web...

a few random links i've clicked on today:

this kid was DESTINED to become an OB/GYN: http://www.hcbmdbom.medem.com/

Showdog Moms & Dads on Bravo is a very interesting show - and after seeing Brandon on the show, it's no wonder the name of Ryan's business is High Maintenance Bitch

Unintentionally sexual comic book covers: part 1

find the SOCCER BALL, dummy!!

CRAZY!

This Fark Photoshop Contest contained a link to evidence of the mental disturbances of various Sesame Street characters. So that's where it comes from!!

turmoil...

everything's just been swallowed up into this big whirlwind of activities...

thankfully, things are getting back to "normal" - tho how do you have normal after burying your godson, just one day away from living three full weeks?

it just occured to me that tomorrow's friday - i've lost all concept of time this past week - totally bizarre.

*sigh*

more arrangements

Mom and i helped Marian make more arrangements today - we met with people at Crown Hill to arrange the burial, went and ordered flowers from a florist, and bought Dametri an outfit to be buried in. finding an outfit was especially difficult because he's sooooooo small - even christening gowns we found were obviously going to be too big, although they're SUPPOSED to be too big. eventually we found an outfit at a boutique in greenwood.

the funeral is tuesday - i just want it to be over and done with - the pain's obviously not going to go away, but just to be able to hit the FFWD key on the remote control of life just a bit would be a good thing, it seems...

family emergency

on thursday morning, mom and i received a phone call - my cousin Marian had prematurely given birth to twin boys less than 3 weeks prior, and she'd finally gotten the smaller of the two home the day before. now, less than 10 hours after getting him home, he was dead.

Dametri Bernard Williams was barely 20 days old. the funeral's on tuesday.

they're still sorting things out, but it appears that his cause of death is being poor - it seems that Medicaid babies are shuttled out of the hospital a bit sooner than others. perhaps that's paranoia, but he was barely FOUR POUNDS when sent home, and when he was in the hospital he'd had problems with eating and a variety of other issues.

Dominic Edward Williams went home several days before Dametri - he'd not had nearly the number of problems his twin brother had, tho he's still a preemie in a very delicate state.

this hits me and my mother especially hard because Marian asked us to be Dominic & Dametri's godmothers. i actually haven't seen Dametri - when he was born, i had a cold or some bug, and knowing how fragile they were as preemies, i knew to stay the hell away from the hospital, even though i so desperately wanted to see my godsons. now the only chance i'll get to see Dametri is shortly before they bury him on Tuesday. we got together today to take care of some of the arrangements, and i got to meet Dominic - he's sooooo tiny!!! a 0-3 mos. sized sleeper is enormous on him.

it's too much - i'll have to blog more later

Dr. Ana Priscu - in a class all by herself.

so, today i went to my appointment to see Dr. Ana Priscu - a regularly scheduled 6-month checkup with the endocrinologist. all my labs looked okay, except i'm still having problems with my cholesterol, so we're gonna up the Zocor dosage.

it started off on a bad note - my appointment was scheduled for 11:45, i get there at 11:40 only to find a variety of insurance problems. so we get things somewhat sorted out and i sit and wait for my appointment...and i wait...and i wait...it's 12:50 before i get into an exam room. i'm seeething, ready to just yell and scream at whoever walks in the door.

next person to walk in the door, dr. priscu. no yelling and screaming tho - she asks how i'm doing, and i burst into tears. tell her about my trying to lose weight and about the evil bastard neurologist at the neurology clinic that told me to tape my mouth shut. i mean, this guy has my medical history in front of him, including a diagnosis from his office's psychiatrist of me as having bulimia, as well as notes from my regular doctor and endocrinologist about my diabetes and other health issues, and he tells me to stop eating altogether. i think, if one wanted to get really nitpicky about it, what he said could qualify as malpractice. so anyway, i tell dr. priscu about this and we talk about my options. she looks at my chart, sees that it's not like i'm gaining weight, i've been very stable - just fat. perhaps going on the medically supervised weight loss program my mother's been on would work, using a nutrition supplement in lieu of food while learning how to change your eating habits et cetera for the better. i tell dr. priscu i probably can't afford the program, because all i have now as far as income goes is food stamps and i've taxed my mother financially enough as it is so i can't ask her to pay for it. dr. priscu tells me that she'll waive her fees and can probably get the supplement to me at a discounted rate. then she realizes what i'd told her earlier -- that i'd been diagnosed as bulimic by a psychiatrist -- disqualifies me from the program. having an eating disorder and trying this program would probably cause depression (enough of which i have already) and people with eating disorders tend to focus soooo much on the numbers that bad things can happen - purging, etc. she tells me that weight watchers would probably be a good alternative. then she asks me if she can help me with this and pay my fees to go to weight watchers. yes, a doctor GIVING money to her patients. i tell her i can't possibly accept, i have a hard enough time accepting help from my mother, i'm not about to ask anyone else for help. she tells me about coming from romania years and years ago and not having any money but now she's got plenty and she wants to help me. she tells me i'm young, i'm smart, and that i DESERVE this neurosurgery. (why the hell can't i get MYSELF to believe those things??) then she leaves the office and returns a few minutes later with an envelope - in it is $140 in cash, which will cover enrollment fees and 12 weeks of the program.

she's just so fucking wonderful - and i don't say that just because she gave me money, but because she's so honest and encouraging and respectful of her patients. she just blows me away.

heh heh heh...

You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!


What kind of kiss are you?
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malpractice?

the more i think about it, the more the comment from Dr. Markand REALLY pisses me off. he's one of the neurologists i'm seeing prior to the epilepsy surgery. while i usually deal with other docs, my last appointment i got to see him. when he saw that i haven't lost a significant amount of weight since my last trip to the office, he told me that i should "put a piece of tape on my mouth". i was taken aback when he said it, and didn't comment during the appointment. but since then, that comment has been eating away at me - no pun intended.

yes, asshole, i am aware that i am fat. take a glance at my chart - you'll see that it's not just from one too many twinkies. YES, i do have a problem with overeating/binging from time to time, but i also have to deal with being diabetic, having PCOS, and god knows what psychiatric diagnoses they've come up with for me now. telling me to put a piece of tape on my mouth does NOTHING to help the situation - perhaps recommending appropriate diet/exercise plans or something POSITIVE would help, instead of further throwing me down the hole of depression.

so, say i take that piece of tape and put it on my mouth - i don't eat but continue to take my prescribed meds - my blood sugar drops and sends me into a seizure that just might not end. should something like that happen, i'd say that it's very obvious that this is a case of medical malpractice by Dr. Markand - he's the bastard that did say i should stop eating.

grrrr. the whole thing just has me seeeething.

haven't heard this one before...

of course, the ol' "Jesus saves" comment has lots of additions to it that we've all seen before (my personal fave being "Jesus saves by using coupons and shopping wisely") but i saw a new one in an email sig today:

"Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes."

hahaha!

Rupert!

i love to surprise people - so when i saw an upcoming event advertised last week that i knew kat would enjoy, i told her that she was being kidnapped on saturday. awfully nice of me to warn someone of their impending kidnapping, dontcha think?

saturday was opening night at Hoosier Park - i've never been to the horse races, and neither has Kat - however, what really made it something i knew she'd enjoy meeting Rupert Boneham from "Survivor" - she swears she's Rupert's biggest fan. it was a "Reality Show Star Challenge" : Butch Lockley from "Survivor", Melissa Hunter (aka MoJo) of "Joe Millionaire" and Ryan Laster of "Elimidate" were also there. so we got our pix taken with Rupert, got autographs & t-shirts and watched the races. kat and i made bets based on names of the horses, having absolutely no knowledge of this stuff, and we did rather well - one horse won that we bet to place - had we bet on it to win, our $2 bet would've won $46 - instead, it was more like five bucks. doubt i'll make a habit of going to the track, but it was certainly fun and i wouldn't mind doing it again.

Surgery update: more delays...

went to the neurologist today - surgery can't happen till i lose at least 30 pounds - the equipment used for the Wada test has weight limits, gotta lose the weight before the Wada, which is the final test i need to do before surgery.

doc tells me to put a piece of tape on my mouth to stop eating. argh. i explained that after my last appointment and they told me they wanted me to lose weight, that i was really pumped up to do it. then i twisted my leg and my ankle - couldn't exercise. that really bummed me out, and so diet plans went out the window. being diagnosed as a non-purging bulimic is something i haven't really addressed or come to terms with - for the most part, i would say that i eat a regular diet, but there are times when i binge, and when i binge you'd better watch the hell out.

feeling lots of frustration right now.

the alma mater in the news...

Earlham made it into the news today, and for once it wasn't about their attempts to hang on to Conner Prairie and Eli Lilly's money...

Earlham student hits pundit with pie

Associated Press
March 30, 2005

RICHMOND, Ind. -- A pie in the face didn't silence conservative pundit William Kristol during a speech at Earlham College.

A man who later was identified as a student at the private Quaker college jumped onto the stage and splattered Kristol with the pie Tuesday night about 30 minutes into a speech about U.S. foreign policy.

Members of the audience jeered the student as he walked off the stage, then applauded as Kristol wiped the goo off his face with a paper towel and said, "Just let me finish this point," the Palladium-Item reported.

The student was suspended and could face expulsion following a disciplinary review, Earlham Provost Len Clark said today.

The school, which did not release the student's name, said Kristol was hit by an ice cream pie. Some of the pie also hit college President Doug Bennett, who was sitting on the stage.

Clark issued a written apology complimenting Kristol for his "graciousness."

Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard in Washington who was chief of staff to Vice President Dan Quayle, finished his speech after he was hit by the pie and then took questions from the audience before spending 30 minutes talking with students and others who gathered at the edge of the stage.

Earlham is a liberal arts college of about 1,200 students that is well-known for its peace studies program.

all i can do is smirk...i wonder if the "disciplinary review" would be a College Judical Council meeting - i was an elected student rep of the CJC in my college days. somehow, i suspect they'll try to do this in a grown-ups only manner, with no input from students.

i really drank the kool-aid and saw the utopia that Earlham promised while i was there, but after getting screwed over by them financially, i guess i've become a bit jaded as to how much they live by the ideals that they espouse.

weekend wrapup...

the weekend wasn't exactly as i expected it to be, but it was alright...

friday night, Kat, Jake and i went and picked out movies to watch- we ended up renting Catwoman, Mr. 3000, Open Water and Jack. my reviews:

Catwoman: i was leery of this one, just because of all the horrible reviews it's gotten, but when you're picking out movies for 2 "grown-ups" (me and kat) and an 11 year old, selection can be rather limited. Roger Ebert's review made me realize why the reviews are all so bad - i think people had way too many expectations of this movie. if you want a popcorn-eating, non-thinking movie to zone out to, it's alright. if ya want your superheroes to have some depth and a story that explains HOW they get their superpowers and how they deal with having them, look elsewhere...but damn if Halle Berry didn't look hot in that catsuit. ;-)

Mr. 3000: Bernie Mac's a funny guy - cute movie.

Open Water: woah - this one's based on a true story of a couple of divers left out in the ocean. filmed on digital equipment, it's rather unnerving to watch - pretty unbelievable.

Jack: haven't watched this one yet, but rented it solely because of the cover of the dvd - Anton Yelchin, who plays Byrd on "Huff" one of my favorite shows. Yelchin's apparently the lead character, Jack, dealing with parents, one of whom is gay...we'll see how it turns out.

Against the Ropes: saw this one on Showtime today - based on the true story of female boxing promoter Jackie Kallen...interesting movie, but i don't think Meg Ryan was the right choice to play Kallen.

all the movie watching's been the majority of my weekend cuz i seem to have developed a nasty chest cold or something. seem to have some of those nasty phlegmballs like in that mucinex commercial - *cough* was supposed to go to easter dinner at michelle's, but cancelled on her because i felt so awful and don't feel the need to be spreading my germs around...

the other thing i was supposed to do today was go see marian's new babies at the hospital, but refrained from that because of the germ issue too. i have learned, however, that marian wants me to be a godmother!!!! how cool is that?!?!? not sure if i'll be godmother to both of the twins or just one, but it doesn't matter. i'm thrilled. hafta get well now so i can go see them (and find out if marian and ed have decided on the correct spelling of the boys' names) - guess now i'm a Fairy Godmother! *8-)

happy easter!

on this day of Christianity, i reckon it'd be good to post a little history of the holiday, courtesy of Eddie Izzard:

So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,


"Jesus died for your sins."

"Yeah, I know, it's great!”

“No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!”

“ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."


And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!

a good weekend. *8-)

friday night kat and i went to games night - woulda been nice if brandy could've joined us, but something happened there and she didn't make it. it was good to see angela again - you'd think i'd keep in contact with her more often, as close to each other as we are - she's right up the street! in addition to cranium, we played Snorta - rather amusing game that makes everyone look like a goofy idiot. (as if i need any help in that department)

saturday i met up with jamie, a person i've been chatting with on alt. we met up at Vic's, had dinner at Bravo (my first time there - think i like Buca di Beppo more, but it was still very good) and then had dessert at Jamie's apartment. *smirk* i think we'll be seeing more of each other. perhaps i'll even need to reevaluate my place on the Kinsey Scale.

sunday i left jamie's and headed to zionsville for marian's baby shower - i think mom's a little perturbed i didn't tell her about jamie and subsequent details, but i'm feeling the need for a little distance from her. i know she's used to knowing everything that's going on with me, but right now, i'm not sharing everything.

so this vagina goes into a grocery store...

that's about how it was - majorly PMSing, i bought waaaaay too much junk food. oh well, ya only live once, right?

other medical news...

oh yeah, the cat scan came back alright (any time i tell people it was "normal" they question me because apparently the thought of lori's head and normal used in the same sentence does not compute) my thyroid's okay, as well as my blood count. however, they forgot to do the tegretol level when they did the other 2 blood tests, so i gave up another tube of blood and am still waiting to hear what's up with that.

so if my thyroid's okay, what the hell's going on that's got me sweating all the time and drinking like a fish? my blood sugars are kept in check, i don't think it's a byproduct of the diabetes. alas, i'm NOT going to go look on webmd and determine that i've got some exotic disease to add to the list of what's wrong with me - that list is long enough, thanks.

thirty bucks at the pharmacy...

i suppose spending thirty bucks at the pharmacy on prescriptions isn't that bad, it's just that when your prescriptions are three dollars each that it kinda weirds ya out a bit. thank god for medicaid.

i'm officially outta the intensive outpatient therapy program (IOP) at behavioral care south - they're moving me across the street, to Adult & Child, where they feel i can get a better level of care. this means i'm no longer gonna see sheron, my therapist of the last few years, but since there's generally a 2-3 month wait for an appointment, i suppose that's not that big a deal. i just really hate change, even when i know it's for the better.

grrrrrrr

my disability denial came in the mail yesterday. i'd thought that since they were taking longer than usual to approve me that they'd actually APPROVE me, but i was wrong in thinking that.

i am so fucked.

*bonk*

that's the sound my head made as i dropped a box on it last thursday - going through some of the Pillsbury Doughboy stuff i have in storage. about 50 lbs of the stuff in a box, dropped from above me, right onto my forehead. owww.

didn't really think much about it until mom and i talked sunday, about the HUGE amount of sleeping i'd done over the past few days (16-18 hrs a day) and my just not seeming like myself. so we headed to the doc on monday - who knows, perhaps it's a concussion, or a problem with my seizure drugs. also mentioned to him some other non-related things i hadn't told him at my previous appointment - increased thirst, sweating, etc - stuff that seemed related to my diabetes or perhaps a thyroid problem. so they took a couple of tubes of blood from me and told me they'd schedule me for a CAT scan - great, hope this doesn't affect the upcoming brain surgery.

Million Dollar Baby

mom and i saw Million Dollar Baby today - very good movie. i had my doubts before going in - Mystic River had lots of similar hype about it and i just didn't get it, it seemed as though just because Clint Eastwood did it that it deserved a spectacular review.

so if you haven't seen Million Dollar Baby, quit reading here, cuz there are spoilers to follow...

conservatives like Michael Medved and Rush Limbaugh have gone about giving away the film's ending, because they're so pro-life that a movie that even brings up the possibility of euthanasia is not worth seeing. i disagree. i also disagree with people that say that the message of this movie is that if you're a quadriplegic, you don't have any reason to live. this movie was about Maggie (played by Hilary Swank) and her decision to end her life, with the assistance of Frankie (played by Clint Eastwood) - it was about one character, not a general statement on euthanasia. i think Maggie's life was so crappy before becoming a boxer that boxing was all she had to live for - with that taken away from her, she had nothing else. that's not to say that quadriplegics can't go on to live very productive lives, but this character had no reason to go on.

where have i been?

...definitely not blogging, that's for sure.

still waiting to hear back from Social Security on my disability claim. with my luck, i'll be done with the brain surgery, all healed up and able to work by the time they get back to me. naah, probably not. i don't intend to be on disability the rest of my life, but i'm certainly not able to work at this point.

fiddling around with my medications is oh so much fun. at least now i'm just on the tegretol xr and keppra - no more topamax. being on three seizure meds plus everything else i take was seriously kicking my ass. i suspect i need to adjust the psychiatric meds, but that's not gonna happen now because dr. parrish has left and now i need to find a new shrink. crossing my fingers that the shrink that did my evaluation for the epilepsy surgery also takes patients, but i'm not sure at this point.

making some changes to therapy - the intensive outpatient program with richard wasn't working for me, so i need to figure out what to do next. methinks i need a queer group to discuss some of my issues, or at least one that i can relate to more than the one i've been in thus far. or perhaps it's time to go back to 1 on 1 therapy for a bit.

been volunteering at Hunger, Inc. - a food pantry down the street. it's been very cool, i definitely have needed an outlet for doing volunteer work for a long time. it's not quite the same as IYG or other things i've done, but still doing some good, nonetheless.

other than that, not much going on. i need to get out and do more things, and definitely blog more ;-)

cue sonny & cher...

...took a while to remember, but eventually it came to me - it was "I got you babe" on Bill Murray's radio to awaken him on Groundhog Day.

now i've got that friggin song in my head (or rather just the title snippet played over and over and over and over and over again) and the friggin groundhog says there's 6 more weeks of winter this year. bleargh.

bracelets

if you were wondering what meanings behind the various colors of rubber bracelets out there are, check out this article...

bleargh...

that pretty much sums it up...bleargh.

been doing the intensive outpatient therapy thang for a couple of weeks now - it's helping a bit, but not quite as good as the last time i was there. *shrug* don't quite click with the therapist running the show this time around, i suspect.

think i'm also still adjusting to being on 3 seizure meds at once - hopefully the tegretol level will come back as good so we can start weaning me off of the topamax. i really think being on 3 meds all at once is what's making me a freaking zombie. kat even mentioned it when we went out to dinner tonight, how at one point over the weekend she looked at me and it was like looking at a brick wall. i'm just not quite all there. this crap makes it really hard to fight off the depression.

around the world and again and again...and then some more...

brother informs me that he's logged 80,000+ frequent flier miles on delta in 2004 from his music gigs...pretty impressive, considering he's done quite a bit of stuff that he's driven to/from in the us and that the circumference of the globe is about 25k miles. around the world 3 times in a year - neat stuff. he's looking at doing a gig in japan this year, and he's probably gonna be using his frequent flier miles to take codi along with him - awwwwww.

i have yet to meet their new doggie, i really need to go over there and do that.

who died?

who died? a question both my mother and i had when seeing flags flying at half-staff, particularly in front of the post office and other public buildings. hadn't seen anything about it on the news or anything - well, apparently it's by order of Dubya, in honor of victims of the tsunami.

hmmmm...

a couple more months before i lose my mind (well, a chunk of it, at least)

the brain surgery, originally planned for january or february, is looking to be happening in april now...

seems i have to get my head together before they'll cut it open and take some of it out...

between starting new seizure meds and tapering off the old ones, and doing some intensive outpatient therapy to psychologically get my head on straight (so to speak) we wanna have some calm time before going in and carving things out...

guess i'm okay with that, but i wish i could just hit the button on the remote control and get all this done - i'm ready to get the surgery over and done with, even if physically i might not be ready...i guess i can wait - we want this thang to be a success...

fun fun fun!

yet another exhibit to prove why weblogs are soooo important...

without blogging, there wouldn't be accounts of crucially important world events such as TPIR...

grab the crayolas...

it's the Law & Order coloring book!

First movie seen at the theater this year: Finding Neverland

so, today mom and i went to see Finding Neverland - the Johnny Depp biopic about J.M. Barrie, creator of Peter Pan (the Play, not the peanut butter, smart ass!) i'm gonna agree with Roger Ebert's assessment - 3.5 stars...pretty good movie...surprisingly more of a chick flick than i expected...i must say, i find all the references that Michael Jackson makes to Neverland and Peter Pan even more disturbing after seeing this movie - does he use Barrie's interest in this widow's 4 kids as justification for child molestation? Did Barrie himself molest kids? dunno about that stuff...

and on a somewhat unrelated note, we saw posters for an upcoming movie there at the theater - side by side, one with Brad Pitt that said "Mr.", one with Angelina Jolie that said "Mrs." - apparently, they're adverts for the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith - in theaters in JUNE...looking at the website, there are soooo many things wrong with this movie, i'm not even gonna say a word....

WHAT CLASSIC MOVIE ARE YOU?

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

errr, not quite...

not sure that i agree with this one, but i'll post it anyhoo:

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Mother Teresa?!?!?

once again, molly nails it...

molly ivins is right on - her recap of 2004 says it all...read it at working for change's web site

the final paragraph seems to me exactly how i feel looking back at this year and forward to next:

"Well, friends, the old ball is starting another orbit of the sun, giving us all a chance to do better this time. Let's not blow it, because we sure look like dogmeat after this one."

*yawn*

dunno if it's the change in meds or something else going on, but if sleeping was an olympic sport, these days i would be an olympic gold medalist - setting unbeatable world records, noless.

it ain't brain surgery...

...oh yeah, i guess it is...

met up with a couple more docs at iu on tuesday - dr. pettigrew was first on the schedule - he's an internal medicine doc they sent me to in order to give me a general check-up and clearance for surgery...assuming nothing majorly weird comes back from my lab work (which i don't think will happen), i think i've got his thumbs up...

dr. worth was the other doc i met - he's the doc that will actually be performing the surgery...he gave a general overview of the procedure, mentioned the statistics, all that fun stuff...someone from the office will be calling to schedule the Wada test for me, then the surgery would be a couple weeks after that - now we're looking at february for that to be happening...

meanwhile, the docs are shifting around the seizure meds i'm taking and things are annoying, but there's light at the end of the tunnel...

the weekend...

on friday, mom and i went to see closer - interesting movie, tho it wasn't what i expected - at least now every time i hear the word closer i won't think of the nine inch nails song and automatically think "i wanna fuck you like an animal"

on saturday afternoon kat and i went to see john take his test for tae kwon do - now he's a green belt! kat mistakenly told me last time that he was got his green belt last time, so i had gotten him a matching pair of green panties, so NOW he has a pair of pair of panties to match his tae kwon do belt. heh heh heh, once he gets the black belt, i think we'll hafta go all out and get garters and who knows what else...

then we went to michelle's xmas party last night - took kat and john with me to join in the festivities...i dunno, i'm just not feeling that christmas spirit crap this year...*shrug* it was a very nice party and it was nice to get out and all, but it just seems to take such an effort - guess that's the depression in me talking. *shrug* the seizures are acting up as well, this week's loaded with doc's appointments. and of course kat had to make a big deal to michelle about how i'm not getting out too much to see people - well dammit, part of that's because of being sick and such. i know she means well and all, but part of me was a bit pissed off.

adam's thanksgiving...

while the rest of the family was here in the states eating turkey and doing the rest of the traditional stuff, my brother adam spent his thanksgiving in australia, performing at several gigs - he sent me this link to video from one of his performances...

How evil are you?

How evil are you?

awake - i think?

surreal couple of days - sunday evening i started feeling sickly, nauseous and such - by monday morning i'd been puking my guts out, to the point that at 8am it seemed far too long to wait an hour for the doc's office to open, so we went ahead and visited the emergency room. (not being able to keep anything down is bad when ya take 349085 prescription meds) additionally, i'm sure all the puking dehydrated me - my skull is shrinking by the millisecond, and the pain is almost too much to bear.

so, after seeing a few nurses, physician's assistants and a doctor, they pumped me full of anti-nausea meds and gave me an i.v. bag full of fluids - couple hours later i'm sent home on my merry way with some rx's. right now is the first time i've been somewhat coherent since that time - the drugs i took really knocked me on my ass, to the point that it scared mom. i was just glad to be able to get some sleep and not be puking my guts out...

of course, i would have to be sick for an evening that i have plans...alas, another time...

Thanksgiving 2004

pretty strange turkey day, i must say...

first thing that was glaringly obvious was the lack of numbers - the usual family members were scattered around instead of all showing up at the same time and place...

my brother's had some ups and downs as far as the music biz goes, but he finally got some decent paying gigs - too bad they're around the holidays, on the other fucking side of the planet...he's spending thanksgiving in australia and xmas in slovenia...yeah, i suppose there are times when i don't always get to see him for the holidays, but just knowing it's 9pm thursday here and it's noon on friday where he is right now just sorta sucks...

one thing mom and i were looking forward to was seeing all of my cousins' kids - since adam and i aren't providing her with any grandbabies, we've latched on to them as surrogates...(granted, these "babies range in age from 1 to 6,7,8 years in age)...at the last minute, my aunt heard from her daughter that she was gonna be spending thanksgiving at her dad's house, so no babies to fawn over...so instead of a full house of loud babies, it was a house with the youngest person being 12 years old and the house being nowhere near full...a very strange experience - not bad, just different...

July - poetry by Robin Denman

hey folks, July is a chapbook of poetry by Robin Denman...it's available at Out Word Bound Books - Robin was at games night and so I got her to sign my copy. read it over the weekend and was very impressed - i definitely recommend it, and not just cuz she's a games night buddy and fellow Cowboy Junkies fan...

Girls Games Night...

forced myself to get out and be social, went to Out Word Bound for games night. pretty big crowd, a dozen of us playing and more coming in and out to say hi...don't know why it's so hard to do it, when i really enjoy going out and seeing people, but ugh, it can just be soooo draining...*shrug* question for the shrink to answer, i suppose...

white noise...

that seems to be what's filling up the gaps between the neurons these days - my brain's working, but there just doesn't seem to be much going on of any consequence - just kind of going through the motions...

lah de dah...

Saying the F-word...

Hot bifem babe Betty Blue sent out this msg with some info that y'all might find interesting:

Nobody seems to be talking about it, Democrats are afraid to whisper the word for fear of looking like fools (guess what? we *already* look like fools)...but some of us are starting to say the F-word outloud: FRAUD. My position? Um...they did it once, badly, and yet it worked...why wouldn't they learn how to do it better the next time to gain an air of legitimacy?

I'm putting out these links in case anyone else thinks something smells bad about this election and wants to help or find out more. Feel free to read or not.

http://www.blackboxvoting.org/ (I'll be donating money to the effort to launch a complete investigation into the vote as soon as I get paid.)

http://www.democraticunderground.com

http://pages.ivillage.com/americans4america/id20.html

At least one mainstream journalist is reporting on this:

http://home.comcast.net/~hugh.moore/countdown_on_voting_irregs.wmv

Olbermann's blog today on the responses to last night's show:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6210240/

Ongoing liberal talk radio about this and other current issues (particularly Mike Malloy and Randi Rhodes...listening to Randi right now): http://www.airamericaradio.com

And some members of congress agree that something stinks:
http://www.wired.com/news/evote/0,2645,65623,00.html (note: three more congressmen have signed on since this report)

Off to get my black bracelet...
Betty

=====
betty@backseatbetty.net http://www.backseatbetty.net

more to add to the wardrobe?

damn, and here i'd just sent off for a new batch of t-shirts from tshirthumor.com - john baynham's designs are pretty cool...i get quite a few comments on my "Have a Pheasant Plucking Day" shirt...now they've just added a page of shirts relating to the election - i particularly like the 4 more years and blue person messages...

7 doctors in 5 weeks...

feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, as i look through my date book and realize that, between appointments with doctors to determine my eligibility for social security disability, as well as consultations with doctors for the upcoming brain surgery (which should be a slight hint that i might be a wee bit disabled), i have SEVEN APPOINTMENTS WITH DOCTORS IN A FIVE WEEK PERIOD! and five of those doctors i've never even met before, and want all the pertinent records, et al, to properly analyze me. sheesh!

think i'll avoid the mass exodus...

what with all the changes coming with the influx of neocon ultrareligious homophobes into the federal government, a change of address and citizenship is a naturally occuring thought. i think that rather than heading north to defect to canada like most of my fellow bloggers write that they'll be doing, perhaps i'll go visit the ol' relatives in norway...

immigration to norway isn't really on my agenda yet - let's hope it doesn't ever come to that - but it is nice to be in the know about it: "A person has a right to asylum in Norway if he or she has a well-founded fear of persecution in his or her country of origin. The cause of the persecution must be race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group or political opinion...Persecution that particularly affects women and persecution due to sexual orientation may also provide grounds for asylum."

so, i could look up my granddad's family, do some skiing, maybe try some lutefisk...Uff Da!

the morning after...

alas, it was nice to be at matt's election night party and be amongst others that were as depressed and discouraged as myself about the impending election results...

the guy on CNN had it right...

a guy in the crowd behind the set of the CNN election coverage wore a t-shirt that very adequately expressed my feelings on this whole election cycle...it read:

FUCK THIS SHIT

rather amusing to see that popping up on television (quick, someone call the FCC!!)...

*yawn* ugh, still too close to call on the kerry/bush race, but it looks like mitch daniels is the new governor of indiana. *8-P

happy halloween!

no big costume events or anything this year, going to a little get-together with kat at her soon-to-be-roommate sherry's soon-to-be-former-living-space...

i suppose if i HAD dressed up this year (in a costume, that is, for some halloween-related festivity) i woulda done some warped takeoff on a brain surgeon, what with the surgery coming up next year and all...

the Erotic Arts Ball...

Kat and I just returned from the Erotic Arts Ball - rather interesting evening, i must say. i'm soooo totally exhausted right now, but i did have a very good time, even if Kat and Brandy did their best to girlify me and put makeup on me and such. i told them it really didn't bother me, and it doesn't - just because i don't choose to wear the stuff on a regular basis doesn't mean i'm vehemently opposed to it or anything - my not wearing makeup isn't a major political statement or anything like that. and as i told kat, i'm comfortable enough in my womanhood to allow her to put girly stuff on me if she so chooses. *8-) she seemed to find a contradiction in the "comfortable enough in my womanhood" and not wearing makeup part, but i don't. it just ain't my thang, but what the hell, every once in a while, do something different!

those red kettles will be a little lighter this year...

this conversation on fark about Salvation Army bell ringers brings up an interesting point that i hadn't thought about before - their stance on homosexuality. in a nutshell, they don't want ya to pick on gay people, and they'll help you if you need their services, but dammit, you queers need to not be havin any sex or expectin to get married or try for any of that equality stuff. sort of a take-off of separate but equal - "not separate, but not equal either"...

the change i usually throw into the kettles during the holiday season will go elsewhere - to a charity that doesn't have such a discriminatory policy - and i'll drop them a little note to let them know the reason they're not getting my money.

one thing that irked me about the fark conversation was the comments made by several people to the effect of "of course they discriminate against gays - they're a CHRISTIAN organization" - ummm, the two are NOT automatically joined together...

Just in case you were still undecided...

100 Facts and 1 Opinion: The Non-Arguable Case Against the Bush Administration

Not Fooling Anybody...

i might just have to accept a position as a Not Fooling Anybody Ranger - seems we have lots of locations around Indianapolis that would fit in well at this site...now where's that digital camera?

announcing my candidacy...

well, isn't this special, a week before election day, and it becomes official...i've just received word that i'm a candidate! lucky for me that it's not an office that i've earned candidacy for - it's brain surgery!

just got off the phone with my contact at IU and she says that it appears that we're a go for brain surgery at the beginning of next year! just have several more consultations with docs and a couple of tests to get out of the way, but the big questionable things are outta the way!!

one thing i need to do before surgery is lose some weight - now i hafta figure out how to do that - i'm debating whether or not i should do the dietary supplement thing like mom's done...i just don't know that i have the will power. whatever weight i lose, i want it to stay off for good, i don't want to just lose a ton of weight just for the surgery and just put it all back on once it's all over with. it's gonna have to be a major change, and i'm not sure that i can put 100% into it right now. gonna talk with my endocrinologist and see what her opinion is on the situation.

also have to have a consultation with a psychiatrist - since i have a history of depression, they wanna see me and get a history and an idea of what my baseline is so that they have something to go by after surgery, since depression is a possibility after surgery. i'll be meeting up with dr. bowman, (the IU shrink) the day before thanksgiving.

i know my regular doc will be okay with the brain surgery idea, so they're gonna send me to one of their internal medicine docs to get another opinion - haven't found out when i'll be meeting dr. pettigrew for this consultation, but it'll probably be sometime before the year is over...

dr. worth is the surgeon that will be performing the surgery - i'll probably be meeting him for a consulation before going under the knife as well. he'll be the one to administer the Wada test (where they put half my brain to sleep and make sure i can still function) in January.

it's becoming even more real...scary as hell, but really exciting too.

redheaded...

well, sort of...i'm definitely not blonde anymore. kat got rid of all the blonde remnants in my hair, and put in red streaks (not red - RED. magma red!)...took a couple seconds to get used to, but i like it - i think it'll surprise a lot of people, particularly codi. fine by me though, i like to keep people guessing. *8-)

the neuropsychological evaluation...

friday's neuropsych evaluation went alright, i think. made me realize my memory's not as good as i'd like to think it is, although i think some of that may be attributed to the fact that i didn't get any sleep the night before.

first off, i met with dr. kareken, gave him the whole brain history, story of my seizures, et al...

then he sent in an associate to administer all the tests.

she'd read off a list of numbers to me - 2 4 9 1 8 - and i'd have to say them back to her in order. then lists of numbers - 8 3 4 6 2 - that i'd have to recall back to her in reverse. then i'd have to tell her what the definition of certain words meant - democracy, catalog, and so on. she told me a story and i had to repeat back as many details as possible. then she told another story, and i had to repeat as many details as possible on that one. she gave me a picture of an abstract drawing to copy. then she had me try to draw it from memory. then i had to remember details from the first story, then the second story. then i had to try to draw the picture again. then she showed me a series of photos in an array on sheets of paper and i had to tell her if the people were on the paper and if they were, which position they were in. she gave me a list of words to remember, then i had to tell her which ones i could remember. then i had to tell her which ones in the list were vegetables, which were modes of transportation. then she gave me another list, and we repeated the process for that list - tell her what i remembered, tell her the veggies, tell her the transportation. then she wanted me to go back and remember what i could from the first list.

i must say, i'm very curious as to what all the results say about me neuropsychologically...

testing...

ugh, hafta be downtown tomorrow at that ungodly hour of 8am for more pre-surgical evaluation/testing. this time i'm headed to Riley Hospital to meet with a Neuropsychologist - David Kareken, Ph.D. the info that's been sent to me tells me the exam will measure brain functions such as memory, attention/concentration, language and visual perception. fun fun fun!

slowly getting back to "normal"...

now that i'm outta the hospital, it appears that i'm getting sick - head's all stuffed up and i'm coughing up all sorts of crunchy things in my chest - blech.

yesterday, kat treated me to some belated birthday celebration activities - we went and saw Shark Tale and had dinner at Steak & Ale (wow, that rhymes!)

time for some more sleep...

HOME!!!

yay! home from the hospital! i was there a little longer than expected, but eventually had the seizures the docs wanted, got them captured on video and now i'm home, 9 days later! i'm gonna be picking glue outta my hair and adhesive off my body for who knows how long now...

amazing how exhausting lying in bed, hooked up to computers and 28429 wires can be. *yawn*

line of the day...week...hell, a GREAT line, period.

James Spader's smarmy lawyer Alan Shore on "Boston Legal" (a spinoff of "the Practice") is a trip...i didn't think he could be as weird in a lawyer role as he was in Secretary (that movie ROCKS), but i just may be mistaken...Alan Shore is quite a character...

tonight, as he offered to rub an uneasy co-worker's feet, he said:
"Don't worry, it's nothing personal, it's just a fetish."
might hafta use that line myself sometime - kat liked it so much she wrote it down, we were both rather amused.

Elizabeth Mitchell is playing his crazy ex-wife, apparently in a recurring role - damn, she's hot! and she's got a knack for getting roles with other hot people as well - with angelina jolie in gia, again doing the lesbo thang on er with doc kerry weaver, now the alan shore character...lemme just say the woman can eat crackers in my bed any time she wants...

courtesy of Aunt Sherry...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female
whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the
same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon
however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female
"lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen."

dubya, you're leaving the children behind...

Regardless of where you stand on the Iraq war situation, this has to make you stop and think...

i dunno how long the link on Channel 13's website will last, so lemme just cut/paste the story here:

School children get a lesson on soldiers leaving for war

Rich Van Wyk/Education Reporter

Indianapolis, Oct. 8 - Only one person didn't know it really wasn't a Columbus Day celebration. Nine hundred teachers and students pulled a fast one, making Friday Gregory Conley's Day.

A math and science teacher, a friend of students and the father of two small children, he was a man at a loss for words. "How do you say thank you?"

Conely, a sargent in the Army reserves is headed to Iraq.

Students and coworkers have known for weeks, but until Friday kept their emotions under wraps.

This is the second time the Army is calling Conley to duty. After three months in Wisconsin they sent him home. This time he expects to spend more than a year in the war zones of Iraq counseling troops.

"I am completely stunned and overwhelmed how students and staff have shown their support."

Students call Conely a good teacher and a great friend.

And Conely will miss his children as well, all 900 of them.

Reading the story doesn't compare to seeing it on the news (especially since Van Wyk pronounced sargent [sic] correctly) but reading it online sickened me all over again.

Now let's think about this situation for a second: the guy's a teacher, with two small kids, and in addition to this he serves his country in the Reserve. Then go to the Reserve website and take a look at the Mission Statement of the Reserve. Lemme point out a few of the highlights of the Mission of the Reserve and provide some of my own commentary to Dubya:

Maintaining a force that can mobilize rapidly and skillfully at any moment to respond to a crisis or situation, or to defend America's interests at home and abroad.

- George, the key word there is DEFEND, particularly if you're going abroad and sending reservists to do it. Going on a Saddam hunt in the name of 9/11 is OFFENSIVE as both a noun and an adjective.

Implementing national objectives.

- George, weren't you the "No Child Left Behind" guy? Oh yeah, guess now you can change that slogan to "No Teachers Left Behind - We're Sending 'Em To Iraq" - seeing all the kids in the gym hugging and crying and talking about their favorite teacher leaving. Guess it's not your fault George, it's Conley's - by signing on as a Reservist he's decided that he'll be the one to leave the children behind when you want to start wars with other countries

Preserving the peace and security, and providing for the defense of the United States, the Territories, Commonwealths and Possessions, and any areas occupied by the United States.

- George! Once again: the key word is DEFENSE.

Overcoming aggressive acts from nations and terrorist groups that imperil the peace and security of the United States.

- The aggressive acts are coming FROM the United States - we're the ones imperiling the peace and security.

and the last one on the list is the kicker...

Giving back to the community by providing civil support, i.e. food, shelter, safe drinking water and medical attention to our citizens during emergencies and natural disasters.

- The emergencies facing the United States now could probably be resolved if we kept our citizens at home, doing their jobs (those of us that still have them, that is) and stopped trying to bully the rest of the world. While I have no doubt in Sergeant Conley's abilities as a soldier, I suspect that his community/civil support roles would be fulfilled by doing his REGULAR JOB at this time. And as the Reserve motto so eloquently puts it: Army Reserve: It's Not Your Everyday Job - it SHOULDN'T be, but he himself believes he'll be in Iraq for at least a year.

ugh, it's just so damned disgusting...

oh wait, i forgot, Dubya doesn't read the news, so i'm sure he wouldn't read my blog or anything that the Army posted on their website either...oh well...

lagging in the blogging department...

yeah, i know, over a week since i've last blogged...lots gone on since i've last blogged - out of intensive therapy, had a birthday, getting ready to go into the hospital for my weeklong video eeg, and so on and so forth...i'll try to do some catching up this weekend before my trip to the hospital commences at 7am monday...

cute .sig file, donna... ;-)

I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. ~ Anonymous

last day of the Intensive Outpatient Program...

i graduated this morning - no more of that 3 hours a day, 3 days a week minimum group therapy stuff for me! i'm not cured or anything, but i know i've learned a lot more about myself and others and some valuable coping skills that i didn't have before. i hate goodbyes, but i know it's for the best, and it probably should've been done sooner.

there's a bit of a ritual when someone leaves the program - charles has this basket of stones...the graduate picks out a stone that grabs their attention and it gets passed around the room, each person taking a moment to say something about their experience with the graduate or whatever...meanwhile, the graduate has to remain silent - just shut up and take it...ugh, i can't take a compliment to save my life...it's always interesting to see what people see about other people, what sorts of things make impressions on people...then, after everyone's talked, turnabout's fair play and the graduate has this stone with all these good vibes put into it and can say whatever she/he wants to say. i was just left sort of speechless.

onto the next chapter...

September 14 was a rather expensive day...

thirteen days - not even two weeks - and IU's sent me a bill for my day of pre-surgical testing...the MRI/interictal SPECT/PET scan combo...not a bill, really, just a warning of what they're sending to the insurance company.

$4,114.00

sheesh. and we still have a weeklong video EEG and the neuropsychological testing to go through. damn, i'm expensive.

*twiddle*

'nother bout of insomnia has kicked in - probably anxiety about today being the last day of IOP...i can't turn my brain off.

i've always been this way - impending changes freak me out...the first day of school was always huge, i never got sleep the night before - i'd lie in bed, awake, pondering what the new school year would bring. wish i knew how to just turn the anxiety off (well, i figure 3 or 4 xanax would do it, but i need to be coherent in a few hours, so i shouldn't try that)

monday - graduation?

it looks as though monday's the day i'll be out of the intensive outpatient program at behavioral care south - my level of craziness has subsided to the point that they think i can handle just an hourlong group once a week now, with an occasional visit to the psychiatrist. i've got mixed feelings about this - i've been oh so ready to get out of it several times, and then some crisis pops up and there's no way i can leave...now i think i'm ready to go, even though there are some pretty major events heading my way in the coming weeks that may test me and my mental status.

assuming monday's the last day, i was in the programs (the Partial Hospitalization Program and the Intensive Outpatient Program) a total of 18 weeks and 1 day. pretty fucking crazy. these people have been a foster family to me, we've gone through a LOT of shit together, and they know a lot more about me than a lot of people do - it's going to be weird not having them around all the time.

dammit, ru...

ya know, RuPaul, it's awfully nice of you to come to visit us in Naptown and have a concert at Talbott Street and all, but couldn't you have scheduled it the week that i wasn't scheduled to be in the hospital with electrodes glued to my head and a video camera a few feet away from me?!?

i suppose if you wanna make it a really special birthday #32 for me, you could drop by the Neurology unit at Indiana University Hospital while you're in town - i'm sure that would probably induce some sort of brain activity that the docs would like to see!!!

the fortune in my fortune cookie...

"You will conquer obstacles to achieve success." - let's hope this one's right on the money...

underpants & tv shows...

i'm now the proud owner of a new pair of boxer shorts based on a fave tv show: American Chopper

today's horoscope....

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You're starting to see how one choice led to another to land you exactly where you are. You'll probably scrutinize a relationship sideways, backward and upside down.

yeah, sure. story of my life. hell, they could run this horoscope every friggin' day and it'd be 100% accurate for me.

ativan - yummy!

i must say, ativan's a spiffy drug. prior to today, my most recent experience with an MRI machine left me this close I--I to a complete and total freakout. to avoid that, we had a dose of meds prior to today's tests, and i think they helped greatly. i haven't generally had severe claustrophobia in the past, but the MRI and similar machines that they like to cram the fat girls into and then leave the room while they turn on to make loud noises and shake seem to have awakened something in me, something that didn't like being awoken. so now we put it back to sleep with ativan.

got to the doc's office at 8:30, to get the vagus nerve stimulator turned off (seems the VNS and the MRI don't like each other too much) 9am was MRI time! The Interictal SPECT (Single-photon emission computed tomography - as if you didn't already know that!) was at 11am. and 2pm was the PET scan. the weeklong video EEG is scheduled for october and i don't yet have a date on when they're doing the neuropsych evaluation stuff. if all the tests give them the appropriate answers, they'll go in and carve out the fucked-up part of my brain that's causing my seizures (just the seizure-causing part - if they took all the fucked-up parts, there wouldn't be any left!!)

dunno when i'll get the results of tests they did today, but at least the tests themselves are done...

crumbling...

that seems to be the word that describes how things feel around me - feels as though everything around me's crumbling. and, silly me, i go to a friend, hoping for some friendship, and get told i'm "emotionally needy" - ummm, yeah. didn't seem to be such a big issue when the roles were reversed.

argh.

life sucks.

neurologically speaking...

saw the neurologist friday afternoon, a followup visit to find out any results from the overnight video EEG i had a couple of weeks ago...

the bad news: no major activity for them to see...

the good news: it looked a lot better than the one i had done 3 years ago...

*shrug*...

so, we're making a few medicine changes (argh! the frustrating thing is having to write all the shit out for each day cuz ya can't just start or stop a med, you have to slowly increase/decrease the dosages) and proceeding with the surgical evaluation - 3 tests next tuesday!

meanwhile my sleep patterns are fucked up and i need to talk to the shrink cuz the sonata's too damned expensive at $40 a prescription...drugs drugs drugs!!!

pretty obvious...

think it's pretty obvious by that last blog entry that lori's hit another bump in the road as far as the depression goes...entirely too much shit going on in my life that's bumming me out and i'm not handling it as well as i have been in the past few weeks...time for a meds change? dunno, might hafta see if i can get in to see the shrink earlier than my next scheduled appt. *sigh*

i'm sorry...

my very essence can be distilled down to those two words: i'm sorry. it's true in a variety of ways - apologetic, pathetic, melancholy, inadequate...

i'm sorry (in the apologetic way) to the people in my life, friends and family, that have had to put up with my crap - my plethora of problems, failings and shortcomings...wish i could just snap my fingers and make everything better or at least erase all the hurt/dissapointment/anger i've caused people, but it ain't gonna happen, and for that i'm truly sorry...

more on the other ways that i'm sorry later...

where's my rocking chair?

sheesh - tickets went on sale last weekend for an upcoming indianapolis appearance of R.E.M. (oct 20 at the murat) - i'd be tempted to go, 'cept for two things:

#1: the damned tickets are too expensive - the cheap seats are $49.50

#2: probably more importantly, it'd make me feel too damned old! just hearing they're in town sent me back in time - september '89, senior year of high school, market square arena, seeing 'em in concert with my boyfriend - yeah, THAT long ago...eeeeeeeeeeek!

productive saturday...

got lots done today - lots of miscellaneous errands accomplished...got the new bank card in the mail, so it was a trip to the bank to get the new PIN set up...then a trip to the library to pick up books/cds on hold...

then i harassed kat at work - my video eeg on thursday/friday has left residue on my head, and it's been itching like crazy...figured she'd have stuff at work (conveniently named "Lori's Hair Care") that might be a bit more capable than what's sitting in my bathroom - so i got some sort of goop put in my hair, sat under a dryer with a plastic bag on my head for a while, then rinsed it out and even managed to get my hair trimmed. most of the color's gone from my hair, i suspect kat will be wanting me to be her ginuea pig soon - she'd mentioned perhaps trying red sometime, we'll see about that one...

more to write about, but i'm whupped - time for some sleep...

one day is different than 24 hours...

when ya tell me to show up for a one day eeg, i figure i get there on thursday, i leave on thursday...well, i get there, and they let me know that i'm spending the night - whoo hoo! thinking i'd only be there till the evening, i didn't pack an away bag or anything. oh well, shit happens, we'll get over it. wish they'd have said a "24 hour eeg" tho - they've called them that previously, and i would've realized i'd be spending the night

of course i was majorly stressed before getting there, major traffic along the way, difficulty finding parking and so on and so forth. so we finally get to my room, they check my vitals - blood pressure's 196/89. not a big surprise actually, i could FEEL the stress coursing through my body, even though high blood pressure is one of the few disorders i actually DON'T have. so i sit around and wait for the EEG tech to show up with her glue gun and camera and 298,713 electrodes to attach to me and viola! get in bed and act like everything's normal!

mom stayed with me and of course the only time it seemed like anything strange happened was WHILE they were putting the electrodes on, before i was actually hooked up to the computer - a little deja vu episode, perhaps a slight complex partial seizure, but it wasn't recorded, of course. the doc will get all the info and see if i had seizure activity that i wasn't aware of (perhaps in my sleep) and we'll go from there...

kinda bummed i don't have the energy to make it to games night this evening, but i'm still wiped out and my hair is still all skanky from all the glue and crap they put in it and i just need to chill...

evil bastard cocksucking motherfuckers...

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stuck in my head...

ever get a song stuck in your head, for no apparent reason at all, and the only thing ya can do to attempt to remedy the situation is put it on the cd player and hit the repeat button until it just disappears from your consciousness? that's happening to me...

the song?

"Down To One" by Melissa Etheridge

*shrug* consciously, i'm not feeling particularly depressed or anything, but i think the subconscious is a bit lonely...

testing 1 2 3...

well, the tests for deciding whether or not i'm a surgical candidate won't start up till next month, but this thursday i'll be going in for a one day video EEG to see if they can discern anything about this last bout of seizure weirdness...i hope we can get some of this shit figured out - i really don't like feeling this way...

apparently, there's not a neuropsych doc covered by cigna within 100 miles, so i'll be going to the one at IU and paying 20% out of pocket - depends on who ya ask tho, one person says the tests'll cost $1000, another says $2400...oh well, it's only money, right?

trying to remember symptoms...

in trying to remember symptoms of things that have been happening with me since the last bout of seizures, here's the list thus far:

#1: having difficulty remembering things...

#2: ummmmm....lemme think about it, i know there were a few more to add to the list...

mid-weekend post...

not too much going on right now - kat and i did dinner at golden corral and wandered around meijer (jeez, the excitement of a saturday night!!) and now she's using my computer to check her email...

group on thursday was interesting - charles asked me if i'd thought about when i wanted to leave the intensive outpatient program. i was up front with him, it's been on my mind recently, and i honestly don't know what i think about it - part of me's thinks it's time to go, part of me doesn't - seems like the times before when i've thought it was time to go have been when things started to fall apart, and with the stuff i'm looking at coming up with testing for possible surgery and all, perhaps i should just stick with it a bit longer. or maybe not. hell, i don't know. in looking at what to do afterwards though, we talked about what group i may want to join up with - i'd previously been in the stress management group that met once a week, but i'm not sure if that's what i want to return to. charles suggested that perhaps a ptsd group might be a good fit - huh?!? post traumatic stress disorder?!? he explained how it may be relevant to me, how my seizures and my dealing with them could be seen as traumatic events and the ptsd group might be helpful - so i'm going to "audit" the group next week - still doing IOP, but i'll go to the PTSD group on tuesday and sit in the background and check it out, see if that's where i want to be. we'll give it a shot...

Kurt Vonnegut's got it figured out...

Kurt Vonnegut's figured out Dubya...check out this quote from a recent column (hell, read the whole column, it's great!):

"And do you know why I think he is so pissed off at Arabs? They invented algebra. Arabs also invented the numbers we use, including a symbol for nothing, which nobody else had ever had before. You think Arabs are dumb? Try doing long division with Roman numerals.

We're spreading democracy, are we? Same way European explorers brought Christianity to the Indians, what we now call "Native Americans.""

my Yiddish lesson for the day...

Holly emailed me and told me that my description of not being quite back to normal is ongepotchket in Yiddish...hmmm...ongepotchket...a google search reveals the common definition to be "Messed up, slapped together without form, excessively and unesthetically decorated" - that's not quite the way i'm feeling, but i suppose it somewhat gets the message across...

this weekend flew by...

perhaps it's that misperception of time thing i'm still dealing with since those last few seizures, but this weekend seemed to go a LOT faster than usual...

hung out with kat & jake friday night and saturday, played games and watched movies (both of em were amazed i hadn't seen Rat Race - funny movie)

sheesh, i can't believe i start week #13 of group on monday morning - better get to bed...

Friday the 13th...

good thing i'm not terribly superstitious - it'll really SUCK if today goes even worse than the rest of this week has simply because it's friday the 13th...

i'm still not back to "normal" - the lori standard of normal, that is...is it possible to be post-ictal for a whole week?!? not sure, but that's what it feels like...it's as if i'm in that dense fog that surrounds me after a seizure - the fog that usually lasts a couple of hours has gone been going on for days now...

meanwhile i'm having to deal with doctor's offices and insurance companies and all sorts of fucked up situations while my head isn't quite screwed on right - i KNOW i should be having an EEG done, cuz it's obvious to me that there's something not quite right goin on, but there seems to be some disagreement over who and where to do it, et cetera, et cetera...ARGH

whole lotta shakin'

...after tuesday's seizure, more weirdness abounded - smaller seizures on wednesday and thursday...saw the neurologist today, we're switching meds and going in for more tests - fun fun fun!!!

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whole lotta shakin goin on...

yup, had a seizure early tuesday morning (around 3am), then had some more weirdness happen during the day tuesday - fun fun fun. not sure how this'll effect the testing/surgery evaluation - damn, i shoulda just gone right to the hospital and got hooked up to an EEG. it's possible that the birth control pills i take for PCOS are interfering with the lamictal that dr. mohan's prescribed - i'd been off of them for a few months cuz my rx ran out and just recently started em back up again - so i need to give the gyn a call. also need to talk to the shrink about getting a better pill to help me sleep - the sonata is helping me GET to sleep, but i'm still waking up numerous times throughout the night...

ugh, it's all so frustrating. and while the seizure itself wasn't that bad, the aftereffects seem to be hanging around a lot more than usual - still feeling kinda squirrelly.

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information on food stamps in indiana...

seems i was given a bit of misinformation when told about the food stamps program in indiana, so here's a bit of a clarification for those that may be interested...

from the Hoosier Works Card FAQ:


not everybody gets their food stamp benefits on the first of the month - just so happens that i do cuz my last name starts with a B:

Food Stamp benefits will be available on one of the first five days of the month, according to the first letter of your last name:

A - B 1st
C - D 2nd
E - G 3rd
H - I 4th
J - L 5th
M - N 6th
O - R 7th
S 8th
T - V 9th
W - Z 10th

All benefits will be available at 8:00 a.m. Central Time on the benefit date.

waitaminute - it says they're available in the 1st 5 days of the month, but then lists 10 days? not a clue what that means, but that's what i copy/pasted from the link - i just hope your last name starts with a letter between A and L, cuz if you're an M through Z, i dunno what to tell ya...



and apparently the balance can roll over, tho i was told it would not and to spend the amount i had before the end of the month:

Q: What if I only receive a small amount of food stamp benefits; can I let the amount increase over a few months before I use them?
A: Yes. You may let them accumulate. Food stamp benefits will be available for 365 days from issuance



To check the balance on your card 24/7, call toll free at 1-877-768-5098


i think those are the major questions people have once they get the card...there's my public service announcement for today. *8-)