AT&T = American Telephone & Telegraph

funny link to a guy calling AT&T to get a telegraph installed...

bleargh...

pretty much sums up my mood right now.

irritating clichés...

one of those phrases that just gets under my skin is oft heard out of a weathercaster's mouth: "not a cloud in the sky" - that's supposed to be a good thing?!? sounds pretty fucking boring to me.

"not a cloud in the sky" - just one color, usually blue. i'll take some clouds, thanks...yeah yeah yeah, i know - clouds bring rain, yatta yatta yatta, but hey, a little variety every once in a while is a good thing...



think i may have weirded mom out a bit on our trip to costco this afternoon - i was just busy cloudwatching...okay, she has a right to get a bit freaky when i start gazing upward and just staring off into space, since usually that means i'll be convulsing at any given moment, but today i was just watching clouds as they passed by us and we passed by them...

some of the things i saw in the clouds this afternoon:

a mother cradling a child (everyone together now - awwwww...)

a warthog

a backwards question mark

a musical note - hell, i forget what it's called...
(aha - google sends me to a page that reaveals to me that it's a sixteenth note!)

a rubber ducky

Massachusetts

and finally, what has to be the weirdest and most unexpected vision:
joe kernan's eyebrows

(damn, i wish i'd had my camera with me then - you'd see 'em too!! the governor of indiana's damned eyebrows were in the clouds!!!)

IOP...

that's the acronym for Intensive Outpatient Program - a half-day version of the Partial Hospitalization Program...same people, i just leave at noon instead of staying till 3. today was the 3rd day of IOP for me, slowly getting me ready to leave the program and go back to either one-on-one therapy or finding a weekly group (perhaps returning to the Stress Management group that sent me to PHP in the first place)...

leslie led a portion of the morning's session, and i discussed a few of the things floating around in my head...i might have to go elsewhere for a discussion of sm, since she thinks that relationships that involve it are inherently dysfunctional and most (if not all) of the group couldn't relate to the things i was saying...she also said that being submissive was not a good thing. hrmmm...

fina-fuckin-ly!

yeah, it took about 2 hours, but my emailbox is now devoid of new/unread mail messages. between being in a funk and spending a lot of time at kat's, i've not spent much time online. i'm sure some of it has to do with my depression as well - i generally stay on top of things as far as email and snail mail and don't let it get too out of hand...

now i just need to step away from the computer awhile and then come back and REPLY to the tens of messages i need to address...

review: last thursday & friday in the looney bin...

so, they tell us while we're in the PHP (partial hospitalization program) that we'll no longer be seeing our regular psychiatrist or therapist, there are specific therapists overseeing us daily, and one psychiatrist that will be seeing us weekly for updates and medication adjustments. problem is, there are too many patients for this to actually happen - part of the reason for that is that the doc isn't there all the time, she only has a few hours scheduled to see us on Mondays and Thursdays.

so, thursday was my appointment with dr. mohan, my neurologist - his office is at community hospital on the east side of town. the klonopin that the shrink has given me takes care of my anxiety and panic attacks, but on the down side, it knocks my ass out. so, not wanting to fall asleep on my way to the doc's office, i didn't take my morning dose of klonopin. it became painfully obvious that the klonopin works for the anxiety - i was jittery and anxious and just felt like shit. dr. mohan says everything looks alright (my blood pressure was 126/86 - pretty close to normal for me, a little high but nothing too bad) and sends me on my way - i go back to therapy to finish off the day and meet with the shrink to talk about adjusting and/or changing the meds again. well, too bad lori, she doesn't have any time for ya. WHAT?!?!? i'm freaking out here and she can't see me? i have to be like this until at least monday, if not later?!?!?!? leslie tells me that she'll see if she can get me squeezed in with the doc somehow - nope, not gonna happen. so then i ask what the hell to do because i'm going fucking crazy with these meds. well, i can wait to see if i can see another doc on friday, or call my family doc, or go to the emergency room. what the fuck kind of options are those?!? an er doc that's never seen me's gonna think i'm shopping for drugs, i'm sure. so, i go to dr. english's office (she's so fucking wonderful - i have the best doctor in the world!!!) and apologize profusely for not having an appointment but explain that the looney bin told me to either see her or go to the emergency room and could she PLEASE just see me for a few minutes. i'm sure that my bursting into tears made it obvious that i REALLY needed to see her. they tell me they'll take care of me and get me in as soon as possible. a few minutes later, i'm in the exam room - nurse takes my blood pressure - 168/98 - excuse me?!? my 3 hours in mental health care has caused my blood pressure to jump more than 40 points?!?!?!?!? yup, definite sign that i'm a bit stressed out. so i tell dr. e that i'm on the klonopin, 1/2 a tab in the morning, 1 at night, that previously i'd been taking 2 and that REALLY zonked me out, but that just 1 didn't do the job. told her that the xanax i'd taken previously seemed to work, but that it just seemed to wear off after a while. she tells me there's a xanax xr out there - extended release, just take one a day. gives me a card to take to the pharmacy for a free weeks' supply - that'll hold me over till the shrink can see me. dunno if the first one i took was just a placebo effect thang or not, but i did calm down shortly after taking it, and the past few days have been much more stable, so we'll see...

i was really ready to just say FUCK Y'ALL to the whole program at Behavioral Care South because of this and some other unfortunate events, but i made myself go back on friday. thankfully charles was leading group that day and calmed me down a bit and said that i actually handled things well. it's just so frustrating to be in this pit of depression, desperately trying to claw myself out, while at the same time dealing with insurance requirements and unkept appointments and misinformation and on and on and on....

mandatory post from The Pillsbury Dough Dyke...

this thread on fark cracked me up!

Replace a word in a famous quote with the word "cookie." "For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten cookie..."

some personal favorites:

"Those who would trade liberty for cookies deserve neither."
-Benjamin Franklin

"I believe a marriage is between a man and a cookie."
-George W. Bush

"The cookies are coming the cookies are coming!"
-Paul Revere

"Go ahead, punk, make my cookie."
-Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry

"That's one small step for man, one giant cookie for mankind."
-Neil Armstrong

lalalalala...

yesterday was certainly interesting - left group early cuz the klonopin was kicking my ass, went home and slept, then went over to kat's...had to give her her bday presents early before she went out and bought em (stuff she needs for the new apt - a microwave and teakettle - woo hoo!)...fixed her a birthday dinner (her pick - steak, corn on the cob, shells & cheese)...then john came over, helped assemble some of her furniture, and then we all had a few cocktails...and then i had a few more - can't remember the last time i was that drunk. more interesting things occurred, but i'll refrain from discussing those here...*8-)

killed the website...

it was about a year ago that i reserved seizureopportunities.com as the domain for my website - the intention being to provide lots of info on the Vagus Nerve Stimulator and my interactions with it. alas, my lack of html skills combined with my lack of patience and time meant that nothing other than a front page ever got done with it. got a notice that the domain was up for renewal and have decided to give it up - paying the $6.95/mo just to keep the front page up and running isn't a luxury i can afford these days...

the weekend...

...is going alrighty, i suppose. tons of laundry done yesterday, a few errands run, yadda yadda yadda...

"dad" called yesterday - strangest conversation i've had with him, i think...he asked how i was doing, and i fessed up - "i'm in a Partial Hospitalization Program and am getting help for depression and anxiety"...hadn't mentioned that when he called a couple of weeks ago (sheesh, can't believe i've been in PHP for 3 weeks now!)...the part where it gets really weird is when he asked "what can i do?" - huh? what? it's been 20 years or so since you've acted like a father and now you're gonna give it a try?!? told him about not having money to pay my bills, he said he'd see what he could manage and send it my way. i'm not holding my breath waiting for that check, but i guess it could happen. then he asked if i wanted to come out and see him - i'd been a bit irked that several months ago he had told me about having matt & paige (my half siblings) come out to see him this summer, but a similar offer wasn't made to me or adam, so to hear that from him was a bit strange...he just didn't sound like the same ol' asshole...hell, maybe he feels guilty...*shrug* is he just trying to rack up some points before father's day? i mentioned that to mom and she said that it's sad that that's the first thing i think of when trying to figure out his intentions, but that it's understandable...people can change, i suppose, but based on his previous history, i'm not holding my breath...

being poor sucks...

i've begun the process of applying for disability medicaid and social security disability - it's depressing as hell. my situation's so bleak that they're getting me on the food stamps program beginning next week. i suppose that'll help a bit, but the medicaid is what's really needed - paying the cobra premiums on my health insurance has killed me - almost $400 a month just to maintain my health insurance. but if i didn't do that, i'd REALLY be screwed...add to that about $200 a month minimum for prescriptions and doctor copays and it's obvious that it's hard to get by on $0 income.

i hate asking for help, i really do - i'm the one supposed to be out there helping others.

oh well, now i'm off to the endocrinologist's office...

*yawn*

not sure what's going on, if it's a side effect of the Klonopin or stress or what, but i'm wide awake right now, been that way since 5:30am - not good when i didn't get to sleep till midnight. another thing that makes me wonder if it's the drugs is that i've been really forgetful since we upped the dose - i sit down to the computer and forget what i was going to do, or go out to the car to get something and forget what it was i wanted. i've also managed to lose mom's cell phone - she's not as freaked about it as i am.

dinnertime...

Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper is food of the gods!!!

*8-)

dunno...

don't know if it's the new cocktail of drugs or all the psycho stuff i'm going through (perhaps a combo of both?), but i seem to be having lots more vivid dreams lately, and have been able to remember more of them...

shouldn't have told adam about the dream i had of him dying - he's flying to LA this weekend...now he doesn't wanna get on the plane.

dammit, i was gonna blog about the dream i just awoke from, now i can't remember what the hell it was about...it's far too easy to say "woah, there's no way i'll forget that one" and then ten minutes later, it's gone...suppose i'll keep my journal (the one in book form, since i don't have a notebook PC) by the bed...

the weekend...

...consisted mainly of helping kat move into her new apartment - couldn't be as helpful as i wanted, since my wrist is still pretty damned weak (and occasionally painful) but we got all the shit moved eventually...makes me realize how damned lucky i was to have josh and steve help me move back in to mom's place - moving sucks.

on sunday, mom and i met up with joanie to get tips on applying for social security disability and such...ugh. the whole process is just so freaking overwhelming - i think even sane people would go crazy doing this shit...

Partial - Day Ten...

well, Week 3 of life in the looney bin started out with a bang...lots of conflict going on, lots of people in crisis...amazing how physically and emotionally draining it can be to sit around and talk for six hours...

lyrics of the day...

i'm not making a joke
you know me i take everything so seriously
if we wait for the time
till all souls get it right
then at least i know there'll be
no nuclear annihilation in my lifetime
i'm still not right
~"Galileo", Indigo Girls

just cuz i always wanted a dog named kittykitty...

Thought For The Day:

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for one night.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

can't think of a title...

damn, i deliberately decide to blog and now i can't think of anything...lalalalala

Partial - Day Nine...

wrapped up Week #2 of life in the Partial Looney Bin today! i tell ya, my fellow Looneys give me lots of things to think about, as do the therapists on staff...

Partial - Day Eight...

you know, it's really weird - it's not even been two weeks in therapy and i feel this closeness, this connection with some of the people there. no, not a "leave and start hanging out with these people" sort of thing, but a sense of respectful friendship.

yeah, i guess six hours a day 5 days a week (except Memorial day made it 4 days this week) is pretty intense, but i haven't seen all of them all the time, some are only half-day people, some haven't shown up for a day or two...

it's just strange to have met these people on May 24, and here on June 3 i've felt more human, more like other people, less alone because of the various ways i've connected and related with them.

i figured i'd be the total freak, the token queer - yet in my talking about various issues, even people that don't know where i'm coming from can chime in with some very helpful ideas, new ways of thinking.

it's cool, and while i know i've still got a long way to go, i think this will prove to be a very helpful program...

two steps forward, one step back...

that's what scott said therapy would be like at times, and that's how it seems now - a big light bulb goes on over my head about something and then a short time afterwards someone saying a single thing to me sets off the tears...some progress made, lots more to go...

they need to get that Magic Pill invented, dammit. you know, the one that cures everything...

Memorial Day 2004...

well, i suppose i shouldn't be so bummed about not going to Lexington - we had some horrible weather yesterday and it woulda really sucked to be out driving in it. so instead i went over to kat's and hung out, knowing she's not real fond of storms. luckily she slept through the worst of it.

hopefully mom'll get a hold of the pool people this week and we can get that baby up and running ASAP!

ARGHHHHHHHHH!

men suck!

cuz of clara's husband, we're not meeting up in lexington this weekend - road trip cancelled!!! *8-( *8-(

musical meltdown...

ever have an urge to hear a certain song or two, but for the life of ya you can't find the CD and it's not on kazaa or anywhere you've looked? ugh, so friggin frustrating! happened to me last week, with THREE cd's - a desperate need to hear Astronauts & Heretics by Thomas Dolby (the whole album) as well as Welcome To My Dream by MC 500 Ft Jesus (most of that album) and a few tracks by Kitchens of Distinction...all 90's stuff...after not being able to find my discs and unable to get tracks i wanted online, i figured it was worth the price (of my ever-decreasing sanity) to hit Best Buy and buy 'em - not a single one was available. ARGH!!!!!!!!!

thank Whoever that there's ebay - i got dolby and jesus discs in the mail this week, and they've soothed me a bit...now that i've re-purchased them, i'm sure the ones i originally bought will turn up - but that's okay, they're that good.

guess my musical tastes haven't changed much in the last 10-15 years...

L	Luscious
O	Odd
R	Refined
I	Insane

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

anniversaries...

memorial day weekend, 1988 - it was sixteen years ago this weekend that i was in the hospital, in intensive care with meningitis and encephalitis...

sixteen years...meaning now i've lived with my seizures longer than i've lived without them...

i must say, all this introspection with therapy and such makes me wonder - if i'd had that magic wand and *POOF*, made the seizures disappear, how would i be different as a person? better? worse? stronger? a bigger asshole? tough call...

i suppose i should be practicing mindfulness and not dwell on the past so much, yet at the same time, there are some big issues looming in my mind that i need to discuss in group next week - get stuff out on the table instead of being locked up in my brain...

my warning label...

> WARNING

loribindy is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Partial - Day Five...

made it through Week #1 of the Partial Hospitalization Program (finally! the whole title! not just Partial or PHP, but an explanation of what all the letters stand for!)

this codependency book has me thinking about a lot of things - a lot of relationships with people (past and present) and how they've affected me and how i've affected them...lots to ponder...perhaps next week will consist of a major breakthrough (rather than breakdown) and the light bulb will go on over my head...

*yawn*

ugh, this getting up to be at group by 9am shit is killing me. all throughout my unemployment, i've been on a modified version of my previous work schedule - not quite a night shift, but closer to that than being a morning person. too bad they don't have a 9pm-3am class...

in addition to playing havoc on my sleep schedule, i'm having difficulty adjusting my meds to this new schedule - my blood sugar keeps dropping in the afternoons. hell, who knows, when i see the endocrinologist the week after next, maybe she'll suggest we change the diabetes meds...

Partial - Day Three...

well, day three means there was obviously a day two, right? yeah. day two was much better - i actually got to talk and stood up (yes, ME, assertive!!!) and explained my frustrations at not knowing what the hell all the code words and such meant (i'm a Beaver, BTW) and so we got things out in the open - charles thanked me for "coming out of the closet"...it was then that i said "oh yeah, by the way, i'm a lesbian" - it made coming out rather easy, i wasn't sure how it'd go since it seems like most of the group is or has been married to members of the opposite sex. hell, i might be the only queer there, not quite sure yet.

anyhoo, although i'm in the midst of three books, i got #4 and am now about a third of the way through it - Codependent no more : how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. guess we can add another diagnosis to the list - lori's got some codependency issues.

more to talk about later...

Partial - Day One...

Partial - now, i dunno exactly why they do this shit, but that's they call it. i suppose it's a politically correct condensation of the term "partially fucking insane" - i'm now spending 6 hours a day in therapy trying to get out of this depression...

thus far? day 1 made it worse. it's weird enough to enter a group therapy room with 11 strangers and be the only one that hasn't a clue what's going on. then to have all these code words and inside jokes flying about makes ya feel even more left out. then to not even have a chance to say more than two sentences about myself and the fact that i desperately want nothing more than to kill myself really sucks.

what did i get out of today? well, there are other people out there that are depressed. this, i already knew.

i'm thinking i'll give it one more try tomorrow - maybe it was just one of those weird flukes that meant i didn't get a chance to talk - but i certainly didn't get a good feeling in those initial six hours...

one friggin point...

we lost by one friggin point tonight - "we" being the Fever, at my 2nd ever attended Fever game (and the 2nd attended in the past 3 days!) one minute left and the score was tied, and the Mystics ended up winning by one point...it was a nailbiter for sure...

kim's a sweetie - i offered to pay her for my ticket, but she said it was on her...we were right behind the Mystics bench...those season ticket thangs are cool...someday i'll have the money for that sort of thing...

current reads from the library...

i'm in the midst of reading three books from the library right now...

The book on Bush : how George W. (mis)leads America - Eric Alterman - it's taking me FOREVER to read this book...i'm about halfway through it, but it just gets too depressing reading about how Dubya's fucked up this country, so i put it down for a while...i think i've renewed it through the website about three times now...

Nam June Paik : video time, video space - Nam June Paik - during a late night trip to meijer, kat and i stumbled across some art prints, which got us talking about favorite artists. i told her about Paik, but any description i could give wouldn't give his art justice...hell, the book doesn't do his sculptures justice, but it'll give her an idea of the weird sort of stuff i like. i'm also re-reading the book in the hopes of getting re-energized and perhaps a bit artistically motivated - maybe that'll help with the job search...

Seizure free : from epilepsy to brain surgery, I survived, and you can, too! - Leanne Chilton - interesting read, so far, tho i must say i'm annoyed at the little errors and such. Chilton needs a better editor. it's good to have a book that's not all bogged down in clinical terms and such, but typographical and other errors just irk me...

busy busy weekend...

my cousin joanie's daughter ashley graduated from high school last night, so we attended the open house this afternoon - can't believe the little baby that i babysat as a teenager is headed to IU in the fall...

afterwards i headed over to kat's to try and help her get stuff settled with the new place she's supposed to be moving into - that ain't happening, it's a shithole, nothing like the model they showed us. back to square one, finding her a new place to live ASAP...moving is such a pain in the ass...

kat yelled and screamed so much at the game last night that she's lost most of her voice...so we went to the abbey tonight for some hot tea to soothe her throat...jacob quickly lost interest with the place once he was done with his mocha mousse cake, but i suppose we should've expected that - the scene's a bit too drab for an 11 year old...

if it weren't enough that i attended my first Fever game on friday, i'll be attending another one tomorrow!! kim said she had an extra ticket, so we're meeting for dinner beforehand and then it's off to the game...pretty cool...once i win the lottery, i'll have to get season tickets or something...

a festive evening...

kat and i took her son jacob to the home opener for the Indiana Fever - first game i've attended...pretty damned cool, i'll definitely hafta go again...saw a lot of familiar faces in the crowd, but couldn't put names to them - i think i need the shirt i saw on a chick at the softball game i attended a couple weeks ago - it read "That's okay - I don't remember your name either"...certainly a must for my brain damaged self...

afterwards, it was off to Ritter's for frozen custard - yummy. damn, now i can't seem to locate my meter for checking my blood sugar. darn. ;-)

"Every time you masturbate... God kills a kitten"

Small, brown kitten
Look at it, take a
deep look into this poor things eyes. Every
time you masturbate you kill one of him, or
her. God knows what it is, but it's gonna be
dead soon, because of you. You sick, sick boy
(or girl).


Every time you masturbate... which kitten does god kill?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shrek 2...

kat and i did dinner and a movie tonight - both of us unsure of what to eat or what to go see...we did dinner at Uno

after dinner, we made a quick pit stop into Target - when we got out of the car we saw a really spiffy rainbow - not drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but still cool. rainbows rock...

then we went and saw Shrek 2 - good movie, definitely gonna hafta check it out again when it comes out on DVD because i suspect we missed a lot of inside jokes. the scene where Antonio Banderas (aka Puss In Boots) licks himself is classic, tho i think Kat was a bit jealous...(not cuz she can't lick herself, but cuz she'd rather be the one licking Antonio - well, at least that's what i think) *8-)

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain - Emily Dickinson

(can't really explain it, but this has always been a favorite poem of mine...)

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading--treading--till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through--

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum--
Kept beating--beating--till I thought
My Mind was going numb--

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space--began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here--

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down--
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing--then--

-- Emily Dickinson

Bloomington...

Kat and i made a little road trip to Bloomington today...it was really nice until *WHAM!* i got hit by a wave of depression on the ride home. being unemployed really sucks. i feel completely and utterly useless.

the idea that'll make me a bazillionaire...

well, the initial prototypes of my magic wand that'll make everything happy have not quite worked as planned, so i suppose i'll have to get working on the back-up idea...

The Magic Remote Control will allow you to rewind and replay the spiffy parts of your life, as well as fast-forward through the really sucky ones. Want everything to just chill for a while? Hit the pause button, and hit it again when you're ready to resume life on this crazy-ass merry-go-round called life.

i think we could all use something like that...

i've been shot...

...but it's just a minor flesh wound, really...

the hand surgeon gave me a cortisone shot today...hafta keep up with the physical therapy - my not going last week made that abundantly clear...my handwriting is becoming more and more atrocious and my wrist is very weak...

nice weekend...

like a weekend even makes a fucking difference to my unemployed ass. *8-) alas, i do seem to see more people and do more things on the weekends...

saturday we went to my aunt sherry's house - to celebrate birthdays - my mom's, and my cousin's daughter's...jessica just turned 11 and went apeshit over anything and everything PINK...all her presents were either pink, a book, or Hillary Duff related!!!!!!! omigod!!!! there aren't enough exclamation points to adequately describe the excitement of preteen girls!!!!

the good thing about visiting aunt sherry - she's got all the grandbabies in the family...my branch of the family tree being a bit barren, we get to go over there and see my cousins and all their babies...then they get tired and cranky and we get to go home. *8-)

here i am with jessica's two sisters, Alanis and Alivia:


went to Kat's saturday night, we watched Priscilla - i think the Abba turd really freaked her out. *8-) eeek, i can't believe that movie's TEN years old!!

then today it was back to Kat's - this time with mom...the two finally met, now they know they aren't each figments of my imagination. kat worked her stylist magic on my momma - here's the before/after pics to prove it:



mom's just thrilled - it took her long enough to finally take the plunge and get her hair colored...i'm glad she likes the results.

suppose i should get some sleep - off to the hand doc tomorrow!

not Bosnia - Croatia...

adam's gig this weekend isn't Bosnia - this time he's in Croatia...Opatija, to be specific...

clouds...

this afternoon, between various errands, i was struck by the beauty of a rainstorm. no, not struck by lightning or anything like that...

the sky was a very light shade of grey, with these big white fluffy clouds up high...below them, these dark charcoal colored wisps of clouds - the dark clouds were scurrying across the sky, as if they were rushing off to an appointment, or perhaps they were hiding from the rainstorm to come. soon, everything turned to gray and the rain began pounding onto my car, sheets of rain - drip drip drip...

amazing how something so simple can get stuck in your mind - the simple beauty of it all was just...hell, i don't even have the right word for it. it just was...

bumper stickers...

saw one on a truck the other day that left me flabbergasted and cracked me up at the same time...

MY OTHER RIDE
IS YOUR MOM

VNS Update - it ain't brain surgery...

...so maybe i oughta just DO the brain surgery...

appointment with the neurologist today - upping the meds a bit, he doesn't wanna change the VNS settings - guess my coughing fit in the office the last time he tried really freaked him out...

in july, i'm meeting up with Dr. Vicenta Salanova to discuss a temporal lobectomy.

at first, the idea of brain surgery totally FREAKED me out. uh-uh, no how, no way. the VNS surgery wasn't nearly as scary - stick a battery in my chest, wrap a wire around a nerve in my neck. it ain't brain surgery, even tho it really was.

dr. mohan says the success rate for temporal lobectomy is 85-90% - i think those are really good odds, definitely worth looking into the option...willing to take the chance that things could get worse or not change in exchange for an 85-90% chance that my seizures will end? sounds like good odds to me...

the thing that scares the shit out of me? well, the part of the brain they're working with is around the language center, so if something does go wrong...eek, i don't wanna think about that. suffice it to say i'll need to get all my arrangements in order before the actual surgery were to happen.

dr. mohan says my diabetes makes me a less acceptable candidate because it may take longer to heal, but i've been doing really good at keeping my sugars in check and the endocrinologist was happy at my last visit...now i just need to get my stress, anxiety and depression in check - easy as pie! ;-)

speechless...

yeah, that's me - after last night, i'm at a loss for words...

thanks Kat! *8-)

*woof woof*

deb's a dog. a bad dog - in a good way.

spose that's not the sort of compliment to give a chick that buys yer dinner, but you know you're a dog!

'scuse me while i go work on a little assignment. ;-)

got rid of the winter coat...

yup, summer's definitely on it's way - shaved my legs today - woo hoo! *8-)

the fact that i don't keep the legs constantly shaved is NOT a political statement, or a requirement for my dykeness - guess i'm just a lazy ass. particularly in the wintertime.

smooth or hairy, don't matter to me...

but i did forget how good it feels to be hairless after several months' growth...*8-)

*rub rub rub*

men are assholes...

yeah, i think the title says it all - men are assholes...

inconsiderate self-centered obnoxious dickheads...

just my current opinion...ymmv.

deb...

just can't say enough about this woman - she's so spiffy! *8-) (well, except for that abandoning us and leaving to go live in nashville part, but we won't talk about that)...

rather than sitting home on friday night waiting for the phone to ring, i went and met up with her to catch lisa's softball game...i miss going to the games - i'll hafta do that more often...

so tuesday @ 5:30, we're meeting for dinner at yats - haven't been there before, but i've heard it's good stuff...

the more things change, the more they stay the same...

is that a quote from a specific person, or just some little ditty an anonymous person came up with to print on a t-shirt? hell if i know, but i'll be damned if it isn't the fucking truth.

the more things change, the more they stay the same...

unearthed my old journal today...it's one of the old-fashioned kind - made out of sheets of paper, they call them "books" - apparently that's what people used before blogs... ;-)

anyhoo, it's a blank book, with keith haring artwork on the cover...containing the gory details of my life spanning 3 nov 96 - 31 dec 99...and whaddaya know, a lot of the shit i wrote then is the same shit i'm dealing with now...depression, anxiety, job problems (granted, back then i actually HAD a job - now i'm freaking cuz i don't have one), and on and on and on...granted, there are things i'm dealing with now that i didn't deal with then (and vice versa) but it's amazing how similar things are...maybe it isn't amazing, maybe i'm just in a huge fucking RUT...

*shrug*

googling people...

it's kinda weird when ya google a doc to get more info on their professional life and then ya find out personal stuff about them...for instance, apparently my new shrink is a pretty good ragtime piano player...

the new doc...

met the new shrink last night...trying to not get too excited, but my initial impression is very good - compared to the last 2 shrinks, he rocks!

i was worried initially because we seemed to get off on a rocky start - as we were going through my medical history, i told him that i had a Vagus Nerve Stimulator implanted and asked if he was familiar with it. it was then that he said "not everyone realizes this, but i am a medical doctor" - yeah buddy, i know a psychiatrist has an M.D. attached to his name. i apologized and told him that i did know that but that i've had to explain the VNS to many an M.D. and nurse in assorted ERs and doctor's offices. after that, things were cool.

i may be following in momma's footsteps with the sleep apnea thing - something i'll have to discuss with dr. mohan when i see him next week.

getting a fix...

that's what i did this evening - fed my shopping addiction. today was the last day of Coupon Mania at Kroger - they double coupons up to $1.00 and triple the $0.50's. a great time to make purchases to send off to assorted food banks and charities around town.

cart full o groceries: $299.88
final price after zapping my evil plus card and taking off coupons: $111.34
total savings: $188.54

i put the cold stuff away, now i'm gonna take a nap and sort out the rest of the stuff later...*yawn* bargain hunting can be so exhausting.

my wrist...

went to physical therapy today...i guess the doc telling me monday that i might need either a cortisone shot or surgery scared my wrist - the pain has lessened a great deal...so now the physical therapist says we're gonna move on to strengthening exercises - excitement galore. hopefully the pain will be gone before a week from next monday and we won't need that cortisone shot - last time i had one it seemed to make things WORSE before they got better.

a hellcat - that's me!

heh heh heh - at least that's what deb called me when i told her of all my exciting plans for today - go vote, and do laundry. woo hoo - party animal, that's me!!

there's been some interesting discussion on the gayindy list about the election - some democrat voters are talking about crossing over and voting republican, either for Miller or Daniels, depending on their strategy. some think having miller in november's election will help Kernan (since miller's nuttier than a fruitcake - and NOT the good kind of fruitcake, either!), while some think having daniels in the election is a hell of a lot better than miller. i thought seriously about it before voting, but if there was any possible chance that my one vote would mean eric miller ended up as governor, i'd just have to blow my freaking brains out.

this appears to be the election of "who's the least evil?" - i wouldn't call joe kernan evil, but he said he wouldn't run for re-election, and whaddaya know, he's running. and we won't even get started on the presidential race....

*twiddle twiddle twiddle*

insomnia sucks. hope the new doc gives me a good pill when i see him on thursday...

for no apparent reason...

a dancing banana!

ugh...

ugh...

that one grunt pretty much says it all...

today started out all fine and dandy - left kat's this morning (we watched Pirates of the Caribbean last nite - johnny depp WAS robbed of that oscar!) and went to the hand doctor appointment, then went home. after seeing how nice the weather was today, i figured i'd go to the cemetery today, although it's actually Wednesday that's the tenth anniversary of Chris Gonzales' death. so i gave Kat a personalized tour of Crown Hill...then we headed to the Abbey for some food (yay! i got the last piece of mocha mousse cake!!)...then it was off to Out Word Bound...a rather amusing thing happened there, but i'm gonna hold off from talking about it right now...

it was while driving Kat home that my head started hurting...and this wave of emotions just crashed over me...

right now, i just feel like crap. i'll sit here and tell myself it's cuz it's that time of the month, but it's probably more than that...there's soooo much going on in my head and it's really overworking that one remaining semi-functional brain cell that i have...

a ganglion cyst...

a ganglion cyst - that's what the hand surgeon thinks i may have now. we'll do a couple more weeks of physical therapy - if i'm still hurting in 2 weeks, we'll do a cortisone shot. if it still hurts after that, surgery may be necessary...dunno if i could get a 2fer and get the carpal tunnel stuff taken care of at the same time, guess we'll see if that time comes...

movies...

kat and i have watched a few movies over the last couple of nights...i went over to her place wednesday night, and we rented Johnny English and Wonderland...we watched Johnny English - silly movie, but provided a much-needed laugh.

tonight, we watched Wonderland - interesting story, but a bit confusing...i guess that's the way with true-crime dramas nowadays - if there's the slightest bit of mystery they have to jumble everything up and change a few facts around to avoid libel charges or other potential lawsuits. Val Kilmer's an interesting John Holmes, and Dylan McDermott was practically unrecognizable - very weird. (somewhat related in the true-crime drama vein, June 1 is the release date for Monster on DVD - i'm looking forward to that one - yet another movie where it's definitely not got all the facts right, but if you take it as a fictional account, it's a damned good movie)

tonight, Kat treated me to a showing of Secretary - it was AWESOME...might just have to buy the DVD for myself. James Spader is just so fucking awesome, that's all there is to it. not very often that you find a movie about sadomasochism with such depth.

dinner last night...

while the brother's over in Bosnia, i went to La Hacienda with his girlfriend...never ate there when i lived in irvington, but codi says she and adam go there a lot, cuz it's cheap. not bad food, either.

so, i suppose if adam and codi don't ever get married, codi won't ever be a sister-in-law...would that make her a sister-outlaw instead? *8-)

David and Goliath Tees...

the David and Goliath Tees website's got some cute designs...

tv critique...

okay, so we're now 2 episodes in to season 4 of Queer As Folk...first noticeable change is the intro - they've toned it down a bit...seems they've made it less queer...*shrug*...it's cool to see brian show some of his humanity while still keeping his amazing ability to be a huge asshole completely intact...the ted in rehab story irks me a bit - he's in therapy with an ex that he'd put into rehab that's now become a counselor?!?!? seems like a major ethical problem going on there - mitch shouldn't be his counselor or have anything to do with him other than to say he knows what he's going through and give him a little pat on the back. totally unrealistic story line there...*shrug*

and then there's the Restaurant - Rocco, yer fucking this one up. granted, it's making for great reality tv, but why get pissy when people call you on not ever being around when it's so obvious that you're never around, you're too busy plugging your book or whatever other little project you're working on...it'll be interesting to see how this one turns out...

meanwhile, on The Practice, there've been a number of interesting special guests (William Shatner's hysterical! Rebecca DeMornay's pretty good at the ice-queen bitch role, and it'll be interesting to see what they do with Vincent Pastore's (aka "Big Pussy" on the Sopranos) character. i wonder how many of these character's we'll be seeing in the spin-off that's supposed to be happening, with James Spader as the star...

Survivor All-Stars - c'mon Rupert, let's go all the way this time!!!

shoulda listened...

ya know, when someone posts a link to TotalFark with the subject line "Not safe for epileptic nimpho's" (not my typo) you would think i'd know better than to click on the link...

alas, you are warned - this isn't safe for epileptic nymphos, or anyone else! but you know you wanna click it anyways...

heh heh heh...

"Voting is just like driving. If you want to go forward, put it in D. If you want to go back, put it in R"

pretty decent weekend...

had to cancel the AIDS memorial clean-up, because of all the rain last week and the forecasts saying we were gonna have crappy weather today (which didn't really seem to happen, of course!)...maybe next weekend - i dunno...

i didn't have time to actually participate in the "games" portion of games night saturday at steph's - i left at 8 to head over to michelle & deb's party. i'll have to find out if "scene it" is a good party game or not some other time, had to see deb since she won't be around much longer - the danged traitor is leaving for that evil city of Nashville, TN...*8-P

Zima's got a new flavor - XXX Hard Black Cherry Zima. Took a 6 pack to Michelle's - 'twas very good, i'll definitely get it again...

it's true - you really can find ANYTHING on the internet...

see for yourself...

Designs On The White House...

this could be interesting - the Designs On The White House contest will pick shirts to be printed and sold for eight different categories:

1. Best Pro-Kerry Shirt (positive spin, no mention of Bush)
2. Best Anti-Bush Shirt (negative spin, must mention Bush)
3. Best Issue Shirt - Domestic
4. Best Issue Shirt - Foreign
5. Funniest Shirt
6. Best Retro Shirt
7. Best Get Out The Vote Shirt
8. Most stylish / Most likely to be featured on Queer Eye

regardless of whether or not i become inspired to design a shirt, i'll hafta go back and check out the winners...

games...

so saturday's a special edition of Girl's Games Night - rather than the usual friday night affair at Out Word Bound or Vic's, it'll be at Steph's house...

a couple of months ago i got a card in the mail - test drive a mitsubishi, get a CD of music from their commercials and a $25 American Express card. finally got the $ in the mail yesterday. that, combined with a $10 gift card from Target for getting a prescription filled, meant i got a new game for FREE. *8-)

so, i purchased Scene It? - a movie trivia game. taking it to Steph's should be good, since she'll have a DVD player, something that we might not have access to at a regular games night...

queer as folk...

the new season started up this weekend - i taped the first episode, because i wanted to watch season 3 over again since i have it on dvd. for some reason, i thought i'd missed some episodes, but now i don't think i did. i think i just WISHED i'd missed some of 'em. the whole ted on drugs thing hits pretty damned close to home - i hadn't noticed my similarities to emmett previously, going from being blissfully ignorant to just totally enabling the drug use and lies and thefts...pretty weird how my situation with kris was years ago and it still affects me the way it does - well, perhaps it's NOT so weird, but i guess i just wish it didn't affect me the way it has. it'd be nice to go back to that blissfully ignorant phase, where i could trust and depend on people.

summoning the weather spirits...

alright now, it's becoming obvious i shoulda scheduled the AIDS memorial cleanup for LAST weekend - we had such beyootiful weather, now it's just rainy and soggy and i dunno if we'll be meeting up on sunday or not...

physical therapy...

did the physical therapy thang today for my wrist...so now i've got a list of exercises to do 2 or 3 times a day - can't quite do them all yet, it's still too painful. argh...too bad that physical therapist only massaged my hand and wrist - i think a full body massage might be rather useful nowadays....

wasting the days away...

sheesh, it's a good thing i didn't have a job to go to today, otherwise i woulda really been screwed. went to dr. tumuluri's office since my hand is STILL hurting after falling on it last tuesday. then i had to run around to several different places, getting an x-ray and such. my appointment was at 1 o'clock - i finally got home at 5:30....grrr! alas, there were no fractures visible on the x-ray, so i have a new splint and appointments for physical therapy and i go back to the doc in a couple of weeks. fun fun fun.

a new 'do...

Kat made me her guinea pig and i now have a new hairdo - i'd told her that no matter how she asked, i would NOT shake my butt like Ray the Blockbuster guinea pig, but who knows, maybe now i will....*8-)

more cool posters...

similar to the propaganda remix project, c-r-a-p.org has some cool posters...

slowly recooperating...

taking longer than usual to recover from that last seizure, i think - my mind's just blank. don't have the words for what's going on - a sign that things are getting more fucked up in the temporal lobe? not sure. the endocrinologist wants me to take lots o notes on how my blood sugars are doing, and we're making a few changes to the meds, so hopefully that will help things a bit. the last thing i need is seizures while i'm sleeping because my blood sugar drops too low...

new clothes woo hoo!

my new t-shirts from ebaynham.com arrived today!

VNS Update...

Dr. Mohan mentioned the S word today - SURGERY. since the VNS isn't controlling my seizures as much as we'd like it to, perhaps i need to be thinking about it. eh, i'm not using all my brain anyways, let's just carve out the malfunctioning parts. hopefully there'll be some left over!

before today's appointment, the VNS was set at 1.25, with the magnet zapping it up to 1.5 - today, when doc tried upping it to 1.5 / 1.75, it was clear that i couldn't take the boost - i started choking, tears streaming down my face. kinda weird, i haven't had such a strong reaction to this before. so, he backed it down to 1.5, with the magnet also zapping it at 1.5 - generally it's standard to set the magnet activation at .25 higher than the ongoing setting, but we'll see how this goes for now...

he's also wondering if the seizures i'm having could be related to low blood sugars, so i'm going to have to chat with the endocrinologist about some potential changes to those meds...fun fun fun!!!!

VNS Update...

time to schedule another appointment with the neurologist - had a seizure early this morning. as far as i can tell, i missed one dose of meds - definitely not enough to warrant having a seizure. dunno if dr. mohan will wanna take me off the lamictal and try something else, or just up the VNS stimulation...

a phrase that irks me....

"just friends" - as in, "let's just be friends" ...

hey, having a good healthy friendship is a good thing, and to add a "just" to it seems to cheapen it. yeah, okay, an intense physical/sexual/emotional/spiritual/ relationship might not be around the bend, but having a great friend is a damned good thing to have...

perhaps it's that "just friends" thing that scares me from telling people when i have an interest...kat eked it out of me, but generally a lot of crushes i've had have been completely ignored or shuttered to the back of my brain, because i'm scared of that "let's just be friends" comment, which generally means "ooh, you're interested in me, i don't feel that way about you, so now let's just let the cool friendship we had die a slow and painful death"...and i told kat that i felt that way, that if she wasn't into a relationship idea that i didn't want her thinking i had any ulterior motives and i didn't want it to affect our future as friends. those "just friends"...

Kat's outta the bag...

...so to speak...i told kat about my crush on her. i think we'll have to talk more about it later (we had to go pick up her son) but at least it's out in the open now, and she didn't puke her guts out and flee from the car when i told her, so that's a good sign - right? right?

the Indiana AIDS Memorial @ Crown Hill Cemetery

definitely in need of some spring cleaning - Crown Hill does an okay job of keeping the branches picked up and the grass mowed, but c'mon now - we need to make this baby look FABULOUS!

Social Attachments

so, i was driving through Crown Hill cemetery yesterday, and took a different route than usual. a sculpture that's on display there caught my eye, so i got out and took a look at it. pix don't do it justice, but here's one anyhoo:



i was taken aback when i read the artist's commentary - on a stand next to the sculpture, it reads:

Social Attachments

My intention with Social Attachments was to illustrate different relationships. Some are solid; some are passive; others are tenuous at best.

Michael B. Wilken $8,700

ya know, i don't think i drove past that sculpture - i think something out there drove me to it. just looking at it was cool, then reading about relationships and knowing how i'm dealing with that sort of stuff in my life right now just really freaked me out a bit...

solid...passive...tenuous...

hrmmm, perhaps i should get my brother this t-shirt...

the American Traveler International Apology Shirt says "I'm sorry my president's an idiot. I didn't vote for him." (in the six official UN languages) - what with adam doing gigs in Bosnia, Serbia and Croatia this month, it may come in handy...let's just all work to make sure that it'll be obsolete come election time...

:-(

that pretty much sums it up.

go alanis!

apparently the statement's beyond comprehension of most farkers, but i think alanis morrissette's bit at the Junos was rather amusing...

Hosting the 2004 Juno Awards ceremonies, Canada's version of the Grammies, Morissette disrobed on stage to reveal a skin-colored, naked body suit with nipples and pubic hair.

As part of the skit, Morissette was then told by the show's assistant-director that "actually, we can't show nipples or pubic hair on national TV," at which time the Ottawa-born singer pulled off the fake body parts.

The satirical act, says Morissette, was aimed at U.S. government institutions for over-reacting to cultural, free expression, as a result of the fallout surrounding Janet Jackson's Super Bowl faux pas, when her breast was accidentally exposed to millions of television viewers.

fuck yeah, the Puritanical bullshit that's taken over the US is more than deserving of parody!

babies babies babies...

being the old maid of the family, i've left mom without grandchildren...i suppose adam could still provide an extended branch o' the family tree, but it ain't happening with me. (it's cute to hear him or codi make some sort of comment about "well, if we have kids..." but if ya mention marriage or kids to 'em, it's just not a subject for discussion...)

however, we do manage to get our fill of babies by visiting my aunt sherry - her daughter marian's got four kids and sherry's stepchildren have provided several other grandbabies in the family...

saturday we got together for marian's daughter alanis' 3rd birthday. we went to Build A Bear to create various stuffed animals (no, i didn't get one, although i did get a pair of sunglasses for Puffy, the pig that my brother gave me for Xmas) then we went back to sherry's to do what the whole family knows how to do: eat.

anyhoo, here's a pic of me with alivia, marian's most recent addition to the family:



see the big yellow blob on my ear? i had sticker earrings put on me by alanis, and forgot they were still stuck to me....

DST

all you never really wanted to know about Daylight Saving Time...

ya know, i suppose it's cuz i'm a born and bred Hoosier, but i just don't get the whole DST thing. and every fricking year we have to have a big discussion about it at the statehouse, only to do nothing about it - hell, it's even the cover story on this month's Indianapolis Monthly. seems like we've turned into such a 24-7 society that it really doesn't matter all that much, we should just all be consistent...

Flash Mountain...

Click here to see wardrobe malfunctions at Splash Mountain. *8-)

not too talkative...

i know, i know, i haven't been too talkative lately - my mind's a blank slate these days. i'm trying my damnedest to get outta this funk, but i seem to have dug myself a pretty deep hole...

so, let's just compile a list of what's on lori's list of things to do...

baking: gotta make some desserts for Alanis's birthday - 3 years old! m&m brownies, a jello mold, and....i dunno what else...

reading: The Book on Bush: How George W. (Mis)leads America by Eric Alterman and Mark J. Green - just picked it up from the library today.

watching: queued up in the DVD player is Secrets & Lies - had to get it from Brazil since it's not been released in the US. such a cool fucking movie - i'm not quite sure what the attraction is in it for me, but i just think it's brilliant. i also need to get the 3rd season of Queer As Folk watched on DVD before season 4 starts up in a couple of weeks.

and right now, sleeping...

today's fortune...

"You are what you eat" - hmmmm...

ya know, i could make all sorts of comments about that, but i think i'll refrain at this point...

weekend update...

had a surprisingly okay weekend - i wasn't sure when friday started off rather crappily. then i went to group therapy and had a breakdown and all was better for that evening...

friday night was games night @ Vic's. deb broke my heart and didn't show up, but oh well. *whimper* i'll get over it eventually. ;-)

saturday was uneventful, did some shopping and stuff. sunday mom and i went to the paul gilmartin show at crackers. he was funny as hell. definitely hafta do that again sometime...

spent today working on some projects mom's roped me into doing for a few of her friends. i suppose it's all for the best - make a little extra cash and all, but my creative juices seem to have just dried up during the unemployment thang. she likes the stuff i'm giving her, but i think it's crap. *shrug*

great promo idea...mark yer calendars for Monday May 10th!

dunno how much it'll end up costing Long John Silvers, but i think their latest promo's a hoot:

LOUISVILLE, KY, March 24, 2004 - NASA's March 23 announcement of evidence of the past presence of "a body of gently flowing saltwater" on Mars is big news for America, and giant news for seafood fans.

In January, Long John Silver's offered to give America free Giant Shrimp if NASA found conclusive evidence of an ocean on Mars. To celebrate the success of NASA's Mars Rover project, the company is going to give America free Giant Shrimp on Monday, May 10.

read the whole press release, it's rather amusing...

sunday night's plans...

Paul Gilmartin's doing his schtick at Crackers Comedy Club in Broad Ripple - this should be mega-cool!

are you as smart as a twelve year old?

take this quiz to find out!

my score = 28 out of 30

Roeper, for this one, i'll give ya Two Thumbs Up!

although Roger Ebert stomps his ass as far as movie reviewing goes, i must give props to Richard Roeper for his article regarding the FCC...